So just a quick synopsis. WW had an A starting sometime in October/November, I think. I discovered it in January via social media and then confirmed by seeing her car at his trailer. WW moved out on valentines day and we have had no R talk since January and I have no idea when this will end one way or the other.
WW has had bouts of extremely hostility toward me and has threatened to keep S13 from seeing me. Luckily she has not followed up on that yet.
S13 has had severe emotional problems since this has taken place and seems to be getting worse. I am trying to be the best father I can be to him and not to push him, but my God I just want to help him and let him know everything will be alright.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
I think it's really important to just focus on today and make today the best it can be.
I find that when I start thinking too far down the road, I get down on myself. The fact is, we have no idea what life will be like in 3 months. So why even waste energy thinking about it?
Great advice from Thornton to look at each day singularly and make it the best we can. I'm going to join you both and do that today too.
Tim - just know that S13 has you and you are doing everything you can for him. Keep doing that, talking to him and being there for him. Then he will know everything will be ok. My kids were shattered especially in December when they found out about A. I tried to talk and just be there for them. I was so worried, but they are doing better. Not as well as if their parents weren't splitting up, but they are surviving. If S13 has your love and support, he will be okay. You are great dad and he knows it.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
So today I think I am punishing myself for having a good weekend. I could not sleep and when sleep finally set in, I had one heck of a time waking up for work. Now at work, I am having trouble concentrating on anything but my sitch. I wander if she is thinking about me. I wander if there is ever a thought in her head about coming back to me.
It is true, I do not think she has hit rock bottom yet. I do not know what it is that will bring her to that place. Or if she ever will get there. Would I recognize it when it happens.
Can't help but think that a good portion of this was my fault but at the same time was life that bad with me, she HAD to leave. The fact that I am here and trudging through this he11 doesn't show her how much I love her. Is unconditional love even enough for her, or is there something more she needs?
Like I said I recognize my failings in the M and am working so hard to make the changes. I was not affectionate, I am working on showing my affection. I hug S every time I drop him off and tell him I love him. I text him before he goes to be each night. I was not intimate. Well don't know how to work on that without her, but if she comes back I will be open and intimate. I know it will be hard but I will open up to her and let her see everything inside me. I did not value her opinion. I learned on here to how to take advice, even the advice I do not want to hear. I took her for granted. Obviously her leaving has cured that! I look back at the times I should have just soaked in and enjoyed. The little things, the laughs, her silliness, even her sadness. Everything about her. Certainly I would never take her for granted again.
Working on these flaws need to be for more that just WW. She may never come back. She may just keep on walking. So they cannot revolve around her, these changes need to be addressed so I do not fail at my next relationship. IMO, the hardest most difficult for me will be intimacy. After this the third time a woman has cheated on me like this, (1st love, mom, and WW) how do I not close up and protect myself. Who would really want to be open for this pain. Shouldn't there be safeguards?
Again the same struggles, the same questions and the same emotions.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Thanks Broke and Thornton! Yeah day by day until we work ourselves out of this hole or at least our WS tunnel over to join us.
Maybe it is just the rain. You know its hard to be gloomy on a beautiful day. Despite the overcast, I still plan to get a run in after the end of the day and then go to the gym. I have a buddy that is going to join me tonight (actually it is the guy that I dropped on his face). I hope that goes well, I am usually not someone who enjoys a workout partner cause I just want to go in and do my thing. Well this will be something and will push me outside my comfort zone, just like divorce care does.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
She has had a traumatic life, as my W has. You aren't responsible for what happened in her life before she met you. And I can guarantee you, some of this stuff happening now is a result of what she's been through before she even met you.
Hurt people hurt people. You can't fix her nor can you take ALL the blame for things falling apart. She played a role as well but decided to hit the eject button. You didn't.
Think about it... she left her Lawyer husband who has been a father figure to her children for a trailer park simpleton.
^^^ Do you think that is normal? She has issues, clearly.
Stop blaming yourself, Tim. She could have been married to Dr Phil and still would have found a way to implode.
The fact that I am here and trudging through this he11 doesn't show her how much I love her. Is unconditional love even enough for her, or is there something more she needs?
This is one thing I don't get either. You just feel like saying, "look, you're the one who needs to leave to be happy, because apparently I don't love you the way you want to be loved. But, you do understand that you wanting to go live is killing me, right?"
It's almost like we didn't not love our spouses. It's that we didn't love them the way they wanted to be loved. Because the fact that we are sitting here beating ourselves up, I think, is evidence enough that we do.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
Sorry Tim. I believe that a lot of lessons we are all learning are going to go a long way for our future. Us introverts need to learn to get out of our comfort zone, to expand our domed lives. I struggle mightily. Just thinking about it stresses me.
Just keep fighting Tim. If the W spouse could see the pain we go through everyday with regret, loneliness, and despair, while still fighting to save what is so important, our M, they would never question our love.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
