Getting out of in house S (8)

[vise82]

hey,

Ok kids have been away for two days now at the inlaws, and so after work W came home with the new car, she asked if I wanted to see it, so we went out and we sat in the car and she showed me all the new stuff on this car that the old 2013 model didn't have. Before BD I would be really excited to see it and would have poked her and grabbed her arm saying how awesome it was. This time I cant touch her but I tried to say positive stuff. Just from what happened to me with the old car, I thought it was amazing and it gives you a confidence boost, driving in a new car look at me.. but then It fades and it just becomes a car and that feeling will fade for W.

After W mentions to me about the stuff we need to do to settle the S agreement, she gave me a copy to read was like 36 pages to go through, I wont go through it here but basically the only thing that came up to change was Christmas, she put in there that she gets the kids ever Christmas and Christmas morning, I get them in the afternoon and boxing day? so I ask her about it and she says she hope we can all spend Christmas together.

I didn't like it this year spending Christmas together and we talked about making it rotating. she says we can just do what we want, so just sign it as to change the agreement will cost money.

My problem with it. If she get a boyfriend and wants to spend Christmas with him too how does that work.? The whole agreement did not mention anything about another person.

I think when I go to sign I will just get my lawyer to make it rotate. And just blame it on the lawyer.

So I am having a problem at night. With the kids gone and both of us in the house and all this communication it has been getting me worked up sexually. I think I mentioned about it before about calling out at night for W to visit me in my sleep.

Well the last two nights it was happening again only stronger and it was waking me up. I would fall asleep and then it would happen again. Me talking to her sexually in my sleep. I only realize it happening as I drift out of sleep. I stop and fall asleep and then it happens again.

She did not acknowledge it and I don't know if she heard it. I am just so worried of the negative consequences it could have with her. I worry stuff like this will just drive her away more. Or worse make her feel unsafe in the house.

I took care of a few things for me, I applied for credit and updated my student loan stuff, so that was good.

I read V post about a parachute with strings and all the string being attachments to people. I realize I have very little strings right now. I came from a big family and I didn't have to worry about making friends as I had a house full of brothers and sisters. I think that is why I am finding it hard to connect with people because when I was young I didn't have to brothers and sister were just there, always , good or bad, fights or no fights.

I have reached out to my best man in my wedding and even him right now I am holding back from really connecting with him, I text him a couple times a week. And why? its because I am still walking on egg shell around my W. I am worried if she finds out I am talking to him that it will some how mess up the S agreement. He know my family and he could tell them where I am living and W and I guess by default I don't want that.

I am isolating myself from my friends at work by not telling them about the S. I am loosing strings there. I focus on the work and not the relationships. They are there but I must take them for granted because no matter what they keep showing up at work, they are there good or bad, conflict or not.

There is still a long road ahead. Looks like in house separation will end June 7 when we have to be out of the house as it is sold now conditional.

Oh and last night I was reading the S agreement and asking questions to W for clarification on things and she randomly shows me a three year old photo of our youngest. I thought really, right now you show me that I almost lost it crying, I had to hold back as a single tear welled up in my eye. The poor guy, he has no idea of what is happening.