WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, V.

You're an inspiration.

My 40th. Celebrated at my mom and dads. Took D7/S12 with me. Wife was with D14 at anime convention. She didn't even wish me a happy bday. She is so enveloped in the affair, she didn't even put the kids to bed.

Mind^^^ Reading.
A few reasons she did not acknowledge your birthday, Other than having an OM,

such as wanting to remind you that she's free to do as she wishes, and or that she's "too poor to buy" you anything (So she needs alimony or more child support) or that she's "trying to make her feelings clear to you/not play games/not get your hopes up" and the only way she knows how is to be cold.

That^^ is not rare behavior, btw.

But there's No good reason for YOU to be wondering why she missed it...So I suggest you spend No energy on mind reading games b/c it's an endless, cheese-less tunnel.

You're pondering things that are Unknowable, & it's a waste of your precious energy.

I feel as if the LONG note I posted to you a page ago, flew right by you.

This post of yours is about HER, and Your reaction to her...(which is still about HER---and So I ask you this:

How much time/energy do you believe you should spend on something you cannot know AND cannot control??


I'll still get her a card for her bday next month. I will rise above it. I have to. My beliefs will not allow me to follow my emotions.

I"m not sure what your goal is with this^^ action. I don't know what you're rising above, or are you trying to "show her" that you're a good person and UNLIKE HER you won't forget a spouse's birthday? Something tells me she'll read your behavior as holier than thou.

But my question is what your fear is here? Are you worried that your kids will think you're disloyal or mean or what? What do they know IF

IF you want to appear caring while NOT actively pursuing, simply support the kids buying or making her something...that would be a gesture of kindness that is not pursuing.

But getting a card for her, just from You, is pursuit. Period.

I do hurt some days- less now than a month ago. Looking forward to my own place, and starting life out again. My kids will be there with me, half the time, but I have great plans. And they deserve a happy dad, and a happy mom.


Well that's interesting wording. Allow me to add a few other things kids deserve AND OR need...

They deserve parents who love & value their children deeply, the children in a family WILL benefit from seeing parents who overcome adversity, who process, work through and then grow, from grief,

they deserve to see their parents survive a broken heart, (which mandates that we actually experience one)

Kids deserve parents who let them see SOME of our grief process, so that when their hearts break, which they inevitably will do, they'll know it's survivable and that their broken heart/pain will not last forever and will Not always make you cry...

Our children need to know they will always be loved & cherished... they deserve parents who learn from mistakes,

Further, your children deserve to know what YOU can impart from all this, and model to them, such as

the value of redemption & forgiveness, the rigors of commitment

and again, the value of that challenging element... forgiveness....silently giving it, thoughtfully asking for it when appropriate.

Wouldn't this^^^ be a wonderful legacy to leave our children??


I sure hope my wife finds her happy soon. I don't think it's down the rabbit hole she's looking, but you never know.

R I don't get this.

You mean to say, you hope she comes to her senses soon? OR do you truly wish her well even without you, and that you are letting go??


OR are you being sarcastic & wishing she'd be miserable because she left you, feels deep regret and then returns to you?

HEY, It's very normal to feel this^^ way,!

Pretending you are "above this", & hoping she's happy without you are problems in my opinion. For one , I don't think it's true, and lying even just to ourselves ends up confusing us down the road.

Even though it's probably no big deal, I wonder if it might ultimately be better for you if you simply stayed openly fully honest with yourself, Here and elsewhere, so that you don't find yourself acting out unexpectedly...

Just a thought.

Gotta get on the walking/running thing again this week. Still, I'm hanging about 30 lbs. less than I was when the bomb dropped in late Oct. Proud of that.

Another 25 or so lbs and I'll be at my goal weight. Need to pack a few lbs of muscle on.

Well, I'm always in favor of looking our best and feeling good!! And even though getting healthy & in shape is for YOU (and not to impress or re-attract her),

it's good to know that weight loss & our physical appearance are visually verifiable & clear.

No one can say "you'll never change!" because you just did! No need to point it out b/c when people who knw you and THEN e

And Note---- No walk away spouse returns to a marriage they left; UNLESS

they believe that marriage can be better/different - than it was before they left.

Most WAS's want their LBS' need to change. And if the WAS has been hurt or wounded before, they will FEAR reconciliation b/c they fear being hurt again,

and they don't believe that it's possible for the LBS to change.

Your w is effectively saying, "YOU must do the bulk of change but I don't think you will or can" or "too little too late".

So what happens if you really do change. I mean, what happens to all her rationalizations? IF you spend quality

Ah, we need not wonder. Time reveals the truth.