Rednail- Me, Myself, and I

[Vanilla]

It was awful.

Absolutely

He started OFF the conversation saying I know something is wrong and off with you today.

Control, telling you how you feel.

I know you still care about me.

Unkind at best

I know you are still in love with me.

Arrogant and privilidged. Preening.i

I know you still cry and are hurting. I know it is hard on you.

Fake validating. Smiling crocodile, if he had any residual care for the mother of his children then he will back off and leave you alone. This is truly vindictive.

I know you want me to come home, and you don't want a divorce. I know sweetie.

Patronising, treating yo as dependent and a toy he can dispense with.

Sooo you might as well tell me what is wrong. Plus we need to talk about us anyways and what we are going to do with the D.

Control, use of the word 'we' treats you as part of himself. You have no say an extension of him.

FIRST he wanted to GUESS what was wrong.

Did you meet someone? -no Not his business
Did you sleep with someone? -no hypocritical
Did you do something with someone andWTF you are feeling guilty? No, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. Why the????



He wanted to know my cards. Asked if I filed, asked what I have done for the D. I said nothing. Asked my plan, I said IDK. He asked if I was going to try to screw him over for every penny he has. I said I do not know what I am doing, I have made no decisions.

Cards, chest close

His OFFER: GIVE ME THE HOUSE, Pay my car, cell phone, water. Gives me 500$ a month for food and gas. My job covers utilities in the house.

Since if he has to give me 1000$ he can't afford the house anyways so I might as well stay in it and have it so he says. He said he doesn't care about the house. He wants the kids to have a house and be happy and make sure i'm okay too.

I said I am making no decisions, I need to think about it.

OH THAT ALSO MEANS WHEN HE WANTS THE KIDS HE WOULD COME HERE AND SLEEP AND I WOULD LEAVE. EVEN DIVORCED. It [censored] enough doing this Sh*t separated. Imagine it DIVORCED.

oh hey, my ex H stuff is all over my house because he still stays here 2x a week.


Go see your L

He said he wants me happy.

You believe this? Really?

He says I will not be single forever and he knows this. It will hurt him when I find someone NOT BECAUSE I WANT YOU BACK but because it just will. I want to approve of the person, I want a good person to be around you and the kids and takes care of you guys. I want to approve.

This is megalomania at its worst.

I just said until the judge says I'm fully divorced I have no plans on dating.

no lovely. Please don't make any promises to this man.

He said he heard rumors and wanted to squash them and told me like 8 rumors he heard that were upsetting them about him since they were not true and doesn't want me thinking they are so it hurts me. I tuned him out since I do not believe him anyways.

He told me I am really beautiful. That I look great.

[color:#660CC]Sweet cycle. [/color]

He says he tries to talk to me,to be here for me, to be my shoulder to cry on, to be the person I go to for comfort. I said That isn't your job anymore.

He said I know but I'm still HERE for it. I still want to be that person. You are the mother of my kids. You are ALWAYS going to be important to me. You will always have a piece of my heart. I still really care about you. I really do and I don't want to hurt you.

I don't want to hurt you? He enjoys hurting you, it makes him feel powerful and in control.

He said it's not like much changed when he left. He always worked nights and I did it almost all on my own anyways. I WAS LIKE NO it's way different. Lets switch for a week if it's SO EASY BEING A SINGLE MOM.

He mentioned his trip with the OW and I said I didn't want to know. He wanted to explain..he got out I didn't pay. I said I don't want to know about your life and what you do with her..that is when I cracked and got teary eyed, and went to my room to cry.

He waited 30 mins before he knocked and asked to finish talking before work. I came out cold as ice probably.

I calmly said I just do not want her around our kids before it is final. He said okay of course I won't bring her around them. Then he was like this is weird. You are so calm mentioning her. You smacked me across the face when you found out and you are hostile when you usually hear her name.

I just said your life, you do what you want, keep her away from my babies until it's over. I don't want to know or hear anything.

He asked me when I wanted to file. I said I have no idea. He said he still will give me at least the full 6 months I asked for and maybe June- July we can talk about filing and to think about his offer. Let him know if he needs to lawyer up for a nasty divorce in court.

Found out his grandparents never stepped foot into a room with each other for 35 years.

Grandpa left Grandma for another women, married her and was with her for 35 years until she died. AFTER she died was the first time they were ever seen together then his grandma died a month after the OW.

His dad left and cheated on his mom, filled divorce papers, never FILED them. Said he came back for the kids, and he loved her, right thing to do..but also regrets it sometimes and it would have been easier to start over. They have been married 35 years now.

So his male role models in life SUCK A**

I cried, A LOT after he left. I don't think there is a single tear in me after today.

2nd divorce talk. It is like every 8 weeks he wants to talk about it.

I tried my best to keep it together..at this point maybe I should just focus on getting a divorce.


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I could analyse further if you wanted me to. I think you can read between the lines.

V

[Sparkls]

Red darlin' I know you feel like you did terrible but I think you actually did a damn good job. Better than I probably could've done at my best.
He basically wants you to continue being his wife while he gets to do whatever the eff he wants. And you made it clear that that wasn't going to work for you.
Yes, he was trying to manipulate you and play you. But you saw it happening.
Tears are totally allowed. For this kind of guy, I don't think light and airy is going to cut it. It seems like he isn't going to respond until you get angry, really angry, and show him you aren't going to put up with this bullsh*t and he better pis$ or get off the pot. (and you get a say in wheather you even want him to pis$)
Keep your head up babe. Show that strength that you've done such a good job cultivating. Its in you, we've seen it!

[Rednail]

V-
I told him I wouldn't date( doesn't mean I won't). I'm just not ready at all.

I was half tempted to tell him I could have a boyfriend in 10 minutes if I really wanted or show him a photo on my friend date with my guy friend(I can but I don't want one.) but I thought that would be bad idea.

I remembered the keep my cards close. I refused to agree on anything D wise.
(I remembered that advice from you.)

The only thing I believed out of what he said was maybe that he doesn't regret the kids and he loves them. That's probably it. Everything else I felt here was trying to cut out my heart and hand me it.

As much as I want the house, I don't. I feel like, I want it for the kids. I don't want it because it would still be his. I would feel like I could never move on living in his house with him wanting to still share and come over. Will we be divorced with him chillin in his underwear on the couch still? I just don't see that as even a decent option.

Called the L just to ask about the house. He said if I went for the house it would be the same thing H is offering but only for 2-3 years. I think that's what he said the Max I could try for and that's TRY.

Its his house in his name with him paying the mortgage and that would be best case scenario. He thinks its a good deal if I can get sole use..but also H can say when I get a boyfriend or engaged he gets his house back in the divorce and legally he can do that. I get sole use UNLESS xxx.

L also said if we ended up in court and H gets a lawyer that says I turn down the house for the kids when my other option is living at my moms where they have to share a room that it looks bad for me for not doing what's best for the babies.

I feel like I'm going to end up being really screwed now either way.

[Rednail]

Sparkls- I don't think light and airy works. It keeps him happy. He hasn't seen me angry yet. I keep it bottled up since I know we aren't suppose to flip out on them. This is why I'm in kick boxing to releave anger.

My H has NEVER seen me angry at him besides when I found out about the ow and tried giving him a black eye.

Can my 180 be just being a b**ch now

[Thornton]

Red,

Honestly I think you need to stop talking to H about ANYTHING other than your kids.

I think if you can really do that, you will start to feel stronger and more confident.

Your H wants to keep you close so if things with OW don't work out, he has you.

Don't give him that luxury. Tell him you will ONLY talk about the kids, everything else is off limits. No talking, no touching, no flirting... nothing.

He needs to feel a sense of loss. And so far he hasn't. He still has you right where he wants you. Take control of you, Red.

You have more power than you think. Establish your boundaries and MAKE him respect you.

[Sparkls]

Well, the goal is to do something and monitor the reaction.
Ignoring him is definitely getting a reaction, right? Given it's incredibly hard to deal with his mood swings, you're doing great. Keep doing what you've been doing, it's clearly pulling at him some how.

And if your kneejerk reaction is to not be a b*tch, maybe you do need to be one every once in a while. Show him he won't be able to step all over you.
Like, for me, of the things I've read, I would probably have been very b*tchy about the laying in bed with you thing.
Not over the top but something like "Do you mind, I'm trying to catch a quick nap in MY bed."
Not off the rails mad but more snarky

Of course, I"m no expert. Take it all with a gigantic grain of salt (and maybe a lime and shot of tequila)

[Rednail]

Thornton- I agree. I want to be NC right now so bad. Even one day without him talking to me would be amazing.

I think tomorrow I'm going to willing choose to be NC for myself. I need space. He Can have one baby free day of not talking to them either.

Maybe since we got this talk out of the way we can not have to do this again..at least for a while.

[TimR]

IMO Reds he is purposely hurting you to control you and if you show signs of pain he knows he still has you. Everything that he is offering you sounds like control to me. I have been at this a short time, so my opinions are not based on experience just how I see it, even his questions about you seeing or sleeping with someone. He wants to be your one and only while he has someone else too. I thinks its an ego thing and its disgusting!

[Rednail]

I feel like no matter how much gal..180.. Dbing I do for myself if he knows how I feel..I'm not doing a good enough job. I need to stop ACTING as if and just really be IT.

I woke up angry. Just ANGRY.
I made an appt with a new L just for more options. My boss works in a L office so her 2 bosses all give me free advice as well. So far it looks grim.

At least I have time on my side. He isn't pushing to go file anytime soon. For now.

So now what?
Keep doing what I'm doing even though he sees right through me?

Change all my 180s and gal to other things?

[TimR]

IMHO, Think you should go as dark as you possibly can. He is in one room you go to another. He wants to sleep on the bed, you tell him (in a nice way) that is your bed you do not want him in there. The bedroom is your room he is not welcome in there. He asks you a question about seeing someone you tell him it is none of his business and then do not saying anything about the topic anymore. Like I have said before, we are all in the same boat so take my advice with a grain of salt. You do not to set boundaries and consequences. Post them here so others can weigh in.

Red you can make it through this and be an even better Red. I wish and pray for the very best for you!