Where do we go from here Part 2

[TimR]

Thank you Vanilla. I will try and write that letter in my journal. I cannot help but think that there is something emotionally wrong with me that I did not show affection to my WW. I cannot say I drove her to OM but that I created the depression that open her to the idea. And worse I did not recognize it while it was happening. In the months that we have been separated I have done a lot of soul searching. Out of all the reasons she gave me, I believe the following to be true, 1. I was not affectionate, 2. I shut her out, 3. I was not intimate like I should have been (let me explain that a bit more) I wanted to be but something got in the way, 4. I took her for granted, 5. I was not supporting or compassionate.

I am not saying I did not care or love her, I did. But I was unable to show her how much she meant to me until of course it was too late. These are the things I have to work out and improve in myself.

[TimR]

So here is an update on my sitch. Apparently, I was having too good of a day. So in order to torture myself, I checked out social media. What I found will probably keep me up tonight. While some may say its a good thing I will explain why I do not think it is.

So she blocked me from her FB account so I cannot see her profile. She did that some time ago. But I can still see portions of OM's FB. He changed his profile from in a relationship to single. Her mom stopped following him on Pintrest.

You would think that is good news but I don't think it is. OM has done that before and then changed it back. I also had to deal with her lashing out at me during that time. She was exceptionally mean at that time. Also, who knows even if it is over, whether she will just move on to someone else or already has. At least with that relationship I knew it would eventually implode but maybe the next one will be better. UGH! just had to look, I should have known I beat myself up.

And down goes my rollercoaster. May be it was I felt too good for too long and I am self destructive to add to all my other issues.

[HopeRB]

Its natural to want to check social media. I find myself checking every so often too. Doesn't do anything but make me sad. So I would say to try to lay off of it as much as possible. Stay strong Tim.

[Thornton]

Crazy. I've been tempted to snoop lately as well but I decided not to. I think seeing W out and about smiling away would really hurt me.

W is a FB junkie so I'm sure there is lots of stuff for me to obsess about.

Tim - don't feel too bad. Would you have rather seen W and OM together in her profile pic? I think it's good that they are currently broken up. Perhaps that has coincided with her being friendly with you again and letting you see S. Throw in the fact that you are looking ripped and W has some thinking to do.

I don't think its as bad as you think it is.

[TimR]

IDK but I am sure I will be thinking catastrophic thoughts now. BTW, I text her tonight:

M: "I put your mail in S's bag."
W: "Thanks."
W: "I guess I should get to the post office to change my address."

That was it. That second on seemed to say, just in case you had doubts its over.

I know this process is for me, but I cannot help but feel hopeless right now. I am not sure why I am feeling this way tonight, weekend was good, today was good and then this. IDK I will shut up now.

[Sparkls]

What is the rule Tim? Believe nothing they say! And don't read into it. It could've very well been her trying to hurt you because she's hurting.
Not your circus. Not your monkeys.
And I understand the double edge sword of snooping. I just *had* to update the mobile banking app on my phone today and saw that H bought desserts from a local place here that we went to on his birthday (it was like $20 so he was buying desserts for OW).
It never ends well for us when we snoop, does it?
I've now recruited some intermediaries that can tell me if something significant happens that I should know about (like them breaking up or something) but it really does'nt change what we're going to do, does it?
We can't approach and scare the squirrel.

[Thornton]

You're good, buddy.

I go through that stuff too. A few good days and I start to get confident and then life kicks me in the peppers and I'm back to obsessing.

This process isn't linear so realize that everything you are going through is normal and to be expected.

And I truly believe that your W has to really think in her mind that it's over with you before she will have that thunderbolt epiphany and wonder why the hell she got rid of you. And that will take some time, buddy. No way around it.

I would back off on the texts for a while, just to give yourself some breathing room. She wants to be single? Let her realize what it's like to be single.

One of my good friends asked me if I loved my W. I said of course. Then he said, if you love her, why are you holding on to her so hard when she wants to find happiness away from you?

He makes a good point. Me holding on is kind of selfish if you think about it. Of course I love W and want her to be happy. So you know what? I'm going to respect her decision. And that's one of the reasons I don't contact her. She thinks I'm the reason for her unhappiness, so I'm going to give her the opportunity to realize maybe it wasn't all me after all.

It's scary to not have any contact, she could very likely move on. But if she does, did she really love me to begin with?

We have to really find a way to let them go, Tim. Yes, I would rather get hit by a car than to let her go. But I have no choice, I can't control her.

It's time for us to look in the mirror, my friend. What do WE want for OUR lives?

[TimR]

Thanks sparkly one. Yeah I know the rules but darn it if we just don't do stupid things that we know are going to hurt ourselves. Some day in the distant future I may go down as the stupidest DBer around. Of course I was going to see something that would hurt me and still I chose to look at it anyway. Unfortunately, I do not have anyone who feeds me info. Probably just end up hurting me anyway.

[Sparkls]

Oh sush. You're doing just fine with your DBing. We aren't supposed to be perfect. We're human. No one little thing is the reason our WS left and no one little thing is going to bring them back.
I've gotten zero info from my sources too.
Our WS will make it obvious when then want to come back. *or so I keep telling myself*
It's never going to be a facebook post of "Hey, I want my husband back!''

We snoop because we wnat to still be a part of their lives. We want to still be part of theirs. It's entirely human. But at some point, if we keep doing what hurts us, we're the only ones to blame for our pain. (pot, meet kettle I know)

[TimR]

Thanks Sparkls. Yeah I have only myself to blame. Note to self don't look on a good day, look if you have to on a bad day! At least then I am not ruining my mood but just making it worse. I don't even know what is most worrisome about it. I just think maybe they will get back together (it has happened before) yet she wont give me a second chance. I mean WTF the guy who has provided for her, loved her and her kids like they are my own and she wont give me a second chance but white trash douche will get a third shot. ARGH!