My first post - please be nice.

[collin]

I don't think so. She said she isn't doing this to live the single life and date. But I suppose I don't know for sure.

She said she's just fed up with it all and lost all desire to fight for our marriage. And yes "I love you but not in love with you".

I honestly don't even know which way is up any more. And to make life even more fun my father just randomly texted me asking if I was OK. I haven't talked to my father in 2 years because my parents tried to tear apart my marriage. What a life huh? I am a walking soap opera.

[collin]

I know this isn't a self help forum. I just feel like I have no where else to turn. I feel beaten and defeated. All I feel like doing is wallowing in my self-pity. And I can't tell my wife that. I can't tell the one I vowed my life to that I am overwhelmed by life and feel like I'm drowning. I have no one. She's part of the reason I feel like this. She can't help. Every time I try talking to her it hurts worse. Oh well. I guess man up right? That's all I can do.

[collin]

Sorry for venting. I just need somewhere to dump it to get it off my chest.

[Sparkls]

Deep breaths. You *will* get through this.
And we're here, post as much or as little as you need to.
I'm having a bit of a self pity moment too. (reading through stories where the husband gets found out in his affair and immediately starts apologizing and trying to come home. Mine did the exact opposite. Why am I so much easier to leave than the other women? etc) We all have them. Take it one moment at a time.
As much as you want to, talking to her won't help. I speak from experience. It'll just hurt more, cause she won't hear a word you say.

And nothing about this says ANYTHING about you as "a man>"
This isn't something you can just "man up" to. This is pure grief. And the only way to get through it is to get through it.

[TimR]

Collin, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I am sorry I cannot tell you it will get better next week... next month. You do not need to 'man up' because these situations hit us all hard no matter if we are men or women. It $ucks and is not fair. No doubt in someway we contributed to our situations and the reasons our WAS left us. However, we are not to sole factor. We may have been distant, may have taken our Ws for granted, may not have helped around the house or valued our Ws opinions how they should have been valued. BUT we are also the ones who chose to stay and not walk out that door. Who chose not to cheat and remained faithful. We must own our mistakes and responsibilities in a failing M but recognize we are not the sole causes.

With that in mind, you need to work on you. One your first post you listed a lot of your mistakes. How do you plan to fix those character flaws. Self reflection is tough but true changes are even tougher. You cannot make those changes in a scheme to get W back. Maybe she will see them and decide to come back, maybe she will just keep walking. YOU NEED to make the changes for you. If you get back with W you will not want to repeat those mistakes. If you end up in a new relationship, again you do not want to repeat those mistakes. Get why those changes have to be for you???

I wish you the best of luck buddy. Feel free to vent and weigh in on others threads...

[GWH]

Hang in there brother. Remember she will be giving you the gift of time. Use that time to GAL be the best you can be. Also remember we have to be patient very patient. These are just some of the things i've learned in the short time i been here that i think are very important.

[collin]

I've got a general question about a leaving spouse.

I told my W, that I would help her out, but I'm not going to sit around packing her boxes, moving couches/bed, stuff like that. Because, although I "respect" her opinion, I am not in favor of it. I got told that is because I was selfish (I agreed - no point in fighting over it).

I asked her, ok, it's like this, if I told you I wanted to commit suicide, would you help me hold the gun? (she said that was completely dramatic and irrelevant - so be it).

Then, I told her, look, go find 10 guys (or girls) and ask them if one spouse was wanting to leave and the other was against it, would they help the departing spouse move. I told her if she found even 3 who would, I would help. (she said so what, now i'm basing our relationship off of other people - i realized this was going nowhere, so i just walked away).

My question is: of the ones whose spouse left, who helped the other move? And to what extent? I think she is expecting me to basically be her hired mover and I don't think I can nor be expected to.

But then again, if I sit around throwing fits about it doesn't that completely go against MOST of the rules. I don't want to do anything now that would cause any irreparable harm and ruin any future potential chances of reconciling.

[Sparkls]

This has come up with a couple of other people's threads to. It's ultimately up to you. I think trying to reason with her was probably not the best idea because it's just going to go in one ear and out the other.

For me, when I kicked H out because he was bringin OW to my home while I was gone, I packed the essentials and left them on the porch (not my finer moment). But anything else, he has to pack himself. Other have sided on helping them because they want them to have a lasting positive impression of the spouse.

I don't think there's a right answer, it's up to what you feel is right. Whatever your choice is, stick to it though. Don't let her guilt you into it (as she's trying to do).
I like the "I respect your opinion, but this is not what I want so I'm not comfortable helping you."

[Sparkls]

This has come up with a couple of other people's threads to. It's ultimately up to you. I think trying to reason with her was probably not the best idea because it's just going to go in one ear and out the other.

For me, when I kicked H out because he was bringin OW to my home while I was gone, I packed the essentials and left them on the porch (not my finer moment). But anything else, he has to pack himself. Other have sided on helping them because they want them to have a lasting positive impression of the spouse.

I don't think there's a right answer, it's up to what you feel is right. Whatever your choice is, stick to it though. Don't let her guilt you into it (as she's trying to do).
I like the "I respect your opinion, but this is not what I want so I'm not comfortable helping you."

[sandi2]

I saw you post on another member's thread, and I wanted to respond to you about what you said.

Sorry. Didn't pay attention to the date in your original post. But sounds like you're doing good and drudging ahead and forging out a life for yourself. I just don't know if I can. I don't know how not to be her husband. For the past 5 years that's what I've identified as. Now I'm somehow magically supposed to change my entire way of thinking? Which may or may not be impossible to do. But it doesn't make it any easier when she's in the other room (which used to be OUR bedroom) sitting on the computer, probably on Facebook, talking to her little Facebook friends about who knows what. While I'm sitting here in a divorce forum trying to piece my life together while it's falling apart around me and feeling like I am failing at life.

The above quote sounds as if the MR and your role of H identifies who you are. But when I read the first paragraph in your first post (quoted below), it sounds as if you put the MR very low on your list of priorities.

No where to start but to come straight out and say it: I ruined my marriage. I treated it like a hobby and I always lived under the illusion that I could act/say/do whatever (never cheated though) and my wife would stay with me, because...well...because marriage. So, I blew it. I admit it. Also, to continue my rash of screw ups, what did I do when she told me? Refer to item #1 in the list of things to NOT do...I did that...all of that.

So, are you saying you were a rotten H? If so, then why do you say you don't know how else to be.... except her H?

You have been a H for the past five years, right? So, what were you like before you got M? What was there about you that attracted her? Can you find that guy again, or would you need to create a completely new one?

Who were your role models for how a good M should look?