Agree with Sparkles and Tim - you made a mistake. Time to learn from it and move on. Don't beat yourself up. Take care of yourself. Come back and share more when you feel up for it. So sorry, Red. We are here for you.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
All my hard work just went down the drain.. All of it. Gone.
H came over and wanted an US talk. I couldn't take it..after like an hour..I ended up running away to my room ballin my eyes out.
It was too much for me.
It was just bad.
I feel like a failure.
I don't see how this is a failure at all! You're allowed to be sad and emotional about this. It's okay that he gets to see how he's hurt you - you just don't want for him to be the only way he sees you and all the time. You are doing GREAT - just get back on track.
Did you get anywhere with the talk? Did you figure out what he wants? I assume it's not the same thing you want since you cried?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
He started OFF the conversation saying I know something is wrong and off with you today.
I know you still care about me.
I know you are still in love with me.
I know you still cry and are hurting. I know it is hard on you.
I know you want me to come home, and you don't want a divorce. I know sweetie.
Sooo you might as well tell me what is wrong. Plus we need to talk about us anyways and what we are going to do with the D.
FIRST he wanted to GUESS what was wrong.
Did you meet someone? -no Did you sleep with someone? -no Did you do something with someone and you are feeling guilty? No, and I have nothing to feel guilty about.
He wanted to know my cards. Asked if I filed, asked what I have done for the D. I said nothing. Asked my plan, I said IDK. He asked if I was going to try to screw him over for every penny he has. I said I do not know what I am doing, I have made no decisions.
His OFFER: GIVE ME THE HOUSE, Pay my car, cell phone, water. Gives me 500$ a month for food and gas. My job covers utilities in the house.
Since if he has to give me 1000$ he can't afford the house anyways so I might as well stay in it and have it so he says. He said he doesn't care about the house. He wants the kids to have a house and be happy and make sure i'm okay too.
I said I am making no decisions, I need to think about it.
OH THAT ALSO MEANS WHEN HE WANTS THE KIDS HE WOULD COME HERE AND SLEEP AND I WOULD LEAVE. EVEN DIVORCED. It [censored] enough doing this Sh*t separated. Imagine it DIVORCED.
oh hey, my ex H stuff is all over my house because he still stays here 2x a week.
He said he wants me happy. He says I will not be single forever and he knows this. It will hurt him when I find someone NOT BECAUSE I WANT YOU BACK but because it just will. I want to approve of the person, I want a good person to be around you and the kids and takes care of you guys. I want to approve.
I just said until the judge says I'm fully divorced I have no plans on dating.
He said he heard rumors and wanted to squash them and told me like 8 rumors he heard that were upsetting them about him since they were not true and doesn't want me thinking they are so it hurts me. I tuned him out since I do not believe him anyways.
He told me I am really beautiful. That I look great.
He says he tries to talk to me,to be here for me, to be my shoulder to cry on, to be the person I go to for comfort. I said That isn't your job anymore.
He said I know but I'm still HERE for it. I still want to be that person. You are the mother of my kids. You are ALWAYS going to be important to me. You will always have a piece of my heart. I still really care about you. I really do and I don't want to hurt you.
He said it's not like much changed when he left. He always worked nights and I did it almost all on my own anyways. I WAS LIKE NO it's way different. Lets switch for a week if it's SO EASY BEING A SINGLE MOM.
He mentioned his trip with the OW and I said I didn't want to know. He wanted to explain..he got out I didn't pay. I said I don't want to know about your life and what you do with her..that is when I cracked and got teary eyed, and went to my room to cry.
He waited 30 mins before he knocked and asked to finish talking before work. I came out cold as ice probably.
I calmly said I just do not want her around our kids before it is final. He said okay of course I won't bring her around them. Then he was like this is weird. You are so calm mentioning her. You smacked me across the face when you found out and you are hostile when you usually hear her name.
I just said your life, you do what you want, keep her away from my babies until it's over. I don't want to know or hear anything.
He asked me when I wanted to file. I said I have no idea. He said he still will give me at least the full 6 months I asked for and maybe June- July we can talk about filing and to think about his offer. Let him know if he needs to lawyer up for a nasty divorce in court.
Found out his grandparents never stepped foot into a room with each other for 35 years.
Grandpa left Grandma for another women, married her and was with her for 35 years until she died. AFTER she died was the first time they were ever seen together then his grandma died a month after the OW.
His dad left and cheated on his mom, filled divorce papers, never FILED them. Said he came back for the kids, and he loved her, right thing to do..but also regrets it sometimes and it would have been easier to start over. They have been married 35 years now.
So his male role models in life SUCK A**
I cried, A LOT after he left. I don't think there is a single tear in me after today.
2nd divorce talk. It is like every 8 weeks he wants to talk about it.
I tried my best to keep it together..at this point maybe I should just focus on getting a divorce.
Whew, that was a lot! You must be exhausted. I feel your pain, really, almost physically, when I read it. So much of it is similar to what my H says.
The deal with giving you the house - what does he mean? Transfer it to you in your name? If so, he has no right to come in anymore.
Now there are people who are able to work together for the kids so they rebuild their house into a duplex. However, the separate living spaces are separate and private. It still gives the kids a feeling of one home and having all their stuff in one place.
A lot to digest there... But it sounds like you handled it very well, considering.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
He's still trying to dictate every little aspect of this entire thing to you. Notice that? Time for you to be strong. Time for you to be brave. Time for you to GET A LAWYER and crush his nuts in a vice. He's cold. He's mean. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Stop letting him dictate the terms of everything. First, change the locks on the house. He abandoned the family home, that is your right. He does not get to come and go as he pleases. He needs to start feeling some consequences of his actions (which are pathetic and horrible BTW). Karma will catch up to him because he's with the kind of woman that has no qualms about adultery so guess what's in store for your WH?
Maybe this next statement isn't the point of this site but please stop trying to save this marriage. Please stop being such a good sport about everything. Find your strength, find your anger, be brave, really truly detach, and move on. Oh yeah, don't forget about the lawyer and crushing your cheating a-hole WH's nuts in a vice. That's important. ;-)
Oh no, house would be In his name. He just would pay the mortgage on it for me for the forseeable future..even if it meant for the next 30 years.
Our situation now is he stays with his parents and ow or whatever and his turn to have the kids he comes home and I leave.
He wants to keep the same deal after the divorce. I stay here and he comes here on his kid days that way the kids are happy and always home.
I just stared at him like he was on drugs when he told me his brilliant idea.
He wants (at least my head thinks) (mind reading) he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to either.
Like what sort of F'd up divorce plan is he thinking of.
What's worse? OW moving into the house and living here with my kids on the weekend's or Me staying here and ow never gets to live here and H stuck living with his parents but also staying here part time.
V- I will look up the smiling crocodile tactic. Google just says being fake? Two faced?
The crocodile wants a bite of you, it's a croc, and it looks like it's asleep or smiling. So you are lulled into a false sense of safety. It's from Peter Pan, Captain Hook lost his hand to smiling crocodile.
Crocodiles grab hold of their prey and roll them over in the water.
I really thought I was doing good..but he knows exactly what to say to make it really hurt.
I know, I have the t-shirt too. It is horrible feeling especially when you know what it is.
How can I DB if he knows deep down how I feel no matter how hard I try to move on and act as if until its real?
DB is for you and remember your choice, in all senses you do not need to do, say or be anything other than what you want.
That's what hurt. He knows how I feel deep down and just doesn't care. At all.
In fact it's even worse than that, it is to break you down so he gets what he wants.
Only you can put a stop to it. Only you can call time on it. There will be part of you that doesn't want to do so. This is Stockholm Syndrome. It will come, eventually you will go enough. At that point please be safe.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
