Today just feels like I"m sinking. Been thinking about what it is exactly I'm so afraid of. The change? Being single? Being alone? It's really none of that. Its losing him. Not having him in my life. I don't fear other changes, but when I think about growing old and not having him there, I panic. I fear being abandoned. I fear not being good enough. Despite intellectually knowing that the affair is really a *him* problem, I can't help but feeling this profound sense that I wasn't good enough. You read the stories of guys, when confronted with their affairs, immediately do whatever it takes to try and fix what they broke. And H didn't do that. So I've internalized that to mean that for some reason, I wasn't good enough.
Yep, sinking is the best way to describe it.
Don't fear. Most of my feelings were not fear, although I could easily mistaken them for fear. All those fears you mention, yes, they are there, but they are here even when my wife was there. Now this fears are just more... materialized... nothing more. They are just fears.
What I do feel is betrayal, and that is what I realized after I went beyond sinking, I would even describe it drowning...
I feel betrayed like my best friend, person who is supposed to be here for me has just left... person who has promised to be there for good or evil... someone who had plans to grow old with me has decided to grow old alone...
quote of the day...
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” ― Frank Herbert, Dune
