I swear there some sparkling somewhere...(4)

[Sparkls]

Today just feels like I"m sinking. Been thinking about what it is exactly I'm so afraid of. The change? Being single? Being alone?
It's really none of that. Its losing him. Not having him in my life. I don't fear other changes, but when I think about growing old and not having him there, I panic. I fear being abandoned. I fear not being good enough. Despite intellectually knowing that the affair is really a *him* problem, I can't help but feeling this profound sense that I wasn't good enough. You read the stories of guys, when confronted with their affairs, immediately do whatever it takes to try and fix what they broke. And H didn't do that. So I've internalized that to mean that for some reason, I wasn't good enough.

Yep, sinking is the best way to describe it.