Where do we go from here Part 2

[TimR]

Thanks Vanilla. I know I am not an overly sensitive person. I cannot think of a time when my dad said he loved me. I remember my grandfather saying it to me when I was small, "I wuv you" is what he said, but I was young. I never have known him to say it to my dad. I remember my dad being upset when he died but not crying. To this day I only remember seeing my dad cry once in my life and that was after he told mom to leave. My brother got hit by a car... dad a stone. I put a nail through my hand dad grabs me by the scruff of my neck and whispers "its gotta come out." as he yanks it out. Bike accident where my leg is rubbed to the muscle and some gauze is thrown on it wrestled the next day. Spinal tap at age 12 dad quietly says to me, "if you move during this you will either die or be paralyzed your entire life." then stands back and watches.

My grandfather, I never saw any weakness in. Even in death he looked like a strong man. My other grandfather I have only ever known in pictures and stories, a man's man... Worked in a coal mine from the time he was 13 to support his family, 6'2 225 built like... well he worked in a mine. All the stories I heard was how strong he was.

I am not saying I did not feel love in my family, I just grew without public displays of love or empathy from men. Its weird because I can show compassion to a woman but if a man cries about the same thing and I tune out. Even and maybe especially physical pain. I was teaching a throw once to the kids and the other coach did not tuck his head so he face planted on the mat. He said something to another coach about not getting on the mat any more with me cause I did it on purpose. My response was "he should have seen the mat rapidly approaching his face and tucked his chin." (I know, I know a d1ck comment.) Please don't get me wrong, I have not hurt anyone on purpose and that was the old me, the new me would ask if he was ok and apologize that I should have explained what I was going to do first.

Well I am babbling now so I will shut up just suffice to say there is something severely wrong with me emotionally. I am slowly making progress on it in that I do not want my S13 to end up the same way as me. Every night before bed I text him I love him and every time I drop him off I hug him and tell him I love him. Any suggestions of working on this lack of compassion and empathy would be appreciated.