So Much Time is Passing By Pt. II

[HopeRB]

Thank you broke. Luckily, I was able to do dinner and catch up with my friend, and that was nice to not be alone. Although, I tend to drink and then I have thoughts that are not good.

I can't help but worry about a starting a family. I know I have time, I just wanted to get all this going by a certain age and never thought in a million years that H would do this. Like even now, I'm wondering where in the world he is, and he must just be living his life out loud, with no attachment. I look at pics and sometimes wonder why are we even in this position? Is what we had so terrible that it drove him away and forced him to abandon everything we had just like that. And the more time that passes on, the more I feel him rubbing off on me that, maybe it is mutual at this point. Apparently, this is what he wants so I may as well just accept it right? I don't want to give up on my M but what am I fighting for if the man doesn't even talk to me? Oh I know what I'm fighting for. You see, this is how conflicted I am.

And I know God has a plan for all of us. And I came to the understanding of how He answers prayers a few months ago. He's already answered alot of my prayers, and some others I just need to step back and observe and really keep my eyes, ears and heart open to what those answers are.

I'm just feeling great and miserable at the exact same time. I haven't heard from H, don't have a clue where he is and I just feel like I have no other choice but to just keep moving forward. I want to start a new M with him. I want to laugh and love again with him. I want to bring him into the world I'm creating for myself b/c I'm so different now.