I swear there some sparkling somewhere...(4)

[Sparkls]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...=11&page=11

Quick recap for those just tuning in:
Together: 8 years. Known him for 10.
Noticed he was withdrawing sometime in December.
Got a speech about how he wasnt sure he wanted to be with me and was going to tell me when I moved for residency that he wasn't coming with me.
Found out a few days later about OW via an instagram post on his phone. Confronted him, he admitted to it freely. Waffled for a day or so saying he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. Said "when I"m with you, I want to be alone and when I'm alone I want to be with her." I left to stay with friends for a few days, found out he immediately hate OW over to my home. I kicked him out on valentines day. We've essentially been no contact except for him picking up more of his things.

So where do I sit in all of this?
I don't want to give up on our 8 years together. Yes I'm young, yes I could easily move on. But Ive planned a life with this man and its not a life I want to just give up. His friends/family all think he's being an idiot excpet for OW and OW's bestie who he lives with now.

Today, I'm super angry for whatever reason. I deserve so much better than this. He's capable of so much more than this.
I guess I'm hoping he'll break through the wayward fog and try and come home but I'm seeing no signs of that. No signs of any progress. No signs of any doubt. He claims he's moving back to Colorado. I have some feelers out to see if OW is going with him. I'll believe it when I see it. I don't think he realizes how hard it is to move across the country. I guess I cant help but feeling like if he's going to move OW 2000 miles away from her support system when she literally had a mental breakdown over not being able to dump her last boyfriend, he's going to feel obligated to stay with her, as he claims he felt "obligated" to stay with me because I've been through so much with him. Ironic, no?

And to think, last night I had convinced a very small part of myself that his texts had gotten a little more... human? (You can look on my old thread to see all the texts he's sent me since d-day).
I think it's all in my head. Believe actions, right? His actions show nothing.

[TimR]

sparkls sorry for the rough day you are having. It is not fair to any of us the things our WS put us through. I have to agree with Thornton that we all imagine our WS having this great time but I do not it is as good as they let on. Maybe, they do not have the same fears and doubts we do with constantly analyzing conversations, BUT they just walked away from a large part of themselves... us. That cannot be easy. OP's probably comfort that pain, just like if we were to go on meds or find OPs ourselves. But in the end you still have to face it. Walking away right into another relationship when you are not thinking right is a recipe for disaster, IMHO. That by no means is intended to say they will wake up, see the error of their ways and beg us for forgiveness but I am firmly convinced they will regret their actions.

Having said that, WE have to focus on US and take control of OUR happiness. In our sitches that is so incredibly difficult to do. So we need to start small. Thornton and I have the mall and new clothes. If it just brings us a few seconds of happiness it is worth it. Working out and feeling satisfied about accomplishments that is good. When I first read the books and it talked about goals, I thought "well that is easy, My goal is to start having phone calls w/I a month, dating month 2 and her moving back month 3." That was my goals. NOW, I am slowly realizing I need to have goals I can personally work toward and have some control over. Now my goals are "Wrestle in MAWA (need to work out harder, Run a 5k (need more cardio), get a 6 pack (need to eat healthier) and if I have contact with WW be civil and friendly no matter how she acts (need to push any anger and depression aside).

You are an intelligent driven woman which is so much stronger than a man. You have an extremely bright future and I envy the journey you are on professionally. I remember the excitement and anxiety finishing grad school. Don't lose sight of that!

[Sparkls]

THanks Tim. I guess it's darkest before the light, right?
Found out this morning that I did get a residency somewhere (they won't tell me where till friday). So yay for that at least.

I wish the anger lasted longer, it's already starting to fade. Its easier than the grief.

[TimR]

I know how you feel, anger is so much better than despair and sadness. I did well last night until I was trying to sleep and then the thoughts of my WW with someone else started creeping in. I did better than normal not to focus on them and start thinking of other things but I did not sleep the greatest last night. While I did not wake too to bad of a mood I still have that hole and dull ache today. Its hard accomplish anything when that happens but I am bound and determined I will make it through this and you can too!

Congrats and the residency and I look forward to hearing where you will be. Who knows you may end up by me somewhere, we have a large hospital right down the road. Unfortunately, there is not much to do around here unless you enjoy sitting in bars.

[Sparkls]

Unfortunately, that likely wont happen Tim. The only place in PA that is on my list is hershey and it's pretty far down the list.

I just want to jump forward 6 months and see if I'm doing this for nothing. Cause right now, it feels like its for nothing.

[Thornton]

You're not doing this for nothing, Sparky!

You are growing as a person even if you don't reconcile with H. And that will better prepare you for your next R.

[Sparkls]

Today just feels like I"m sinking. Been thinking about what it is exactly I'm so afraid of. The change? Being single? Being alone?
It's really none of that. Its losing him. Not having him in my life. I don't fear other changes, but when I think about growing old and not having him there, I panic. I fear being abandoned. I fear not being good enough. Despite intellectually knowing that the affair is really a *him* problem, I can't help but feeling this profound sense that I wasn't good enough. You read the stories of guys, when confronted with their affairs, immediately do whatever it takes to try and fix what they broke. And H didn't do that. So I've internalized that to mean that for some reason, I wasn't good enough.

Yep, sinking is the best way to describe it.

[Bear007]

Today just feels like I"m sinking. Been thinking about what it is exactly I'm so afraid of. The change? Being single? Being alone?
It's really none of that. Its losing him. Not having him in my life. I don't fear other changes, but when I think about growing old and not having him there, I panic. I fear being abandoned. I fear not being good enough. Despite intellectually knowing that the affair is really a *him* problem, I can't help but feeling this profound sense that I wasn't good enough. You read the stories of guys, when confronted with their affairs, immediately do whatever it takes to try and fix what they broke. And H didn't do that. So I've internalized that to mean that for some reason, I wasn't good enough.

Yep, sinking is the best way to describe it.

Don't fear. Most of my feelings were not fear, although I could easily mistaken them for fear. All those fears you mention, yes, they are there, but they are here even when my wife was there.
Now this fears are just more... materialized... nothing more. They are just fears.

What I do feel is betrayal, and that is what I realized after I went beyond sinking, I would even describe it drowning...

I feel betrayed like my best friend, person who is supposed to be here for me has just left... person who has promised to be there for good or evil... someone who had plans to grow old with me has decided to grow old alone...

quote of the day...

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert, Dune

[GWH]

I know i'm new here, but there is one thing i have learned right off the bat...we have the gift of time, and we need to practice patience, patience, patience.

[Sparkls]

I know i'm new here, but there is one thing i have learned right off the bat...we have the gift of time, and we need to practice patience, patience, patience.

I keep trying to remind myself that. I keep feeling like this intense pressure to speed things up with my graduation and him saying he's going to move to CO next month etc.