Stepping in a Different Direction

[Pax_luv]

Happy Monday! Hope those of you who deal with the time change are feeling awake! For some reason, it kicks my arse

I just need to journal (aka vent) for a second.

Today is h's bday. He always hated his bday, it was always a disappointment for him growing up, etc. I worked really hard through the years to make it special but it was so hard because it didn't matter what i did as it wouldn't live up to expectations. It eventually got to the point where i would just leave it up to him to tell me what he wanted to do/ eat/ etc. I still tried, but it was soooo hard to please him. i always felt bad about him not having "good" bdays growing up, and now i am learning how much these childhood issues get carried into adulthood. Geesh.

Anyway, I had to snoop on his fb just to see who was connecting with him today. The first post was from his sister complimenting him on how he gives himself fully and deserves love and happiness ....... Uch. I know it's not about me, but really??? He had love... He was the one that through it away! That just kills me.

Another post was from his aunt who he "dropped" a few years back and they recently reconnected. She was the one person who told h to be careful as he was exiting the relationship because they have a tendency to throw people away. Well her post was also lovy and as$- kissing. Thanking him for always reaching out

I don't know why, but those two posts just irritate me! I don't think my in laws know how hard I fought... I think they believe I'm the one who exited the M. Not true. Also, with the aunt. I'm just bitter that he reconnected with her and I'm not an option.

Ok venting over. I sent him a text this morning as I was on my way to drop off the dog. I also wished him a happy birthday in that text. He replied back with thanks and a blushing happy face.

I think when this day passes, I will be back on an even keel. Thanks for reading

[Pax_luv]

Hello!
Journaling-
Fortunately, I was able to take myself off the gravitron ride that had me spinning before and after h's birthday on Monday which meant dog swap yesterday was easy peasy. I felt totally neutral.

We chatted for a bit, rather, I should say he did all the chatting. He was sharing all the stuff that is going on in his life... Pulled out his calendar to show me how busy he was and how he spends his days. I just stood and listened with a pleasant look on my face. It was the perfect opportunity to validate and be supportive and chipper.... But you know what? I didn't want to... Nope.... Just didn't.

He did make a comment about how competitive his new career is. He made it a point to tell me that him and his friend (who he made it a point to tell is a girl) went for a role in the same project and he got a part and she didn't.... And it's competitive because the industry is underhanded and people never share when auditions are, etc. I have no idea why he was sharing this, but I instinctively contorted my face in a cringe when he told me this and he asked, "why the face?" I realized that I had a reaction and just said, uch that's just ugly. Then he made it a point to tell me how he isn't competitive, but others are.

I realized that I made the face because I've done so much work on myself and I only surround myself with positive, uplifting things and people. The thought of being in an underhanded competitive environment is just so unappealing!

Anyway... Weird interaction. Yes, I spent some time wondering what it meant and what were the hidden messages, but of course that serves no purpose whatsoever... So I let it be!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[Pax_luv]

Ah ha- I just realized he may have been sharing his life because he wanted me to validate how busy he is and be happy that he's booking gigs and that it is a hard environment to work in. Hmm...it's a thought.

Last night, when I was thinking about the convo I was reminded of a time several months where I was openly talking through my schedule and logistics with him to coordinate dog swap... His response to me was... "You know what, not my problem, I don't care." Jerk-o. I may not have verbally validated him, but at least I didn't say that!

[Sotto]

Hi Feyth, last time I spoke with my H (a good while ago....9 months?) He talked for the whole time about himself and some of the cool stuff he had been up to. I made some positive noises - but then he really persisted, saying he met some important judges doing this. And I realised my noises maybe weren't positive enough for him, and I upped the anti slightly. He asked absolutely nothing about me and I didn't volunteer anything. The dynamics of the convo you describe reminded me of mine. It is like part convincing themselves - hey, my new life is great - and part seeking approval and validation from us.

JMHO of course....sounds like you are doing well Sweetie xx

[Pax_luv]

Hello and Happy Easter!

I had a good week of Galing and am getting ready to go visit the fam for Easter. All is well.

I have also been thinking about h a bit lately. I visited a friend this week who I deliberately haven't seen in 6 months. She's a mutual friend of me and h and when I last saw her in September, I realized I didn't want to see her again anytime soon because I was a mess and she knew too much about the situation between h and me. Of course, she only knew H's side and I wasn't going to be the type of person to try and share my side to sway her opinion of the sitch. So I decided to distance myself from her.

Well, I saw her this week and it was great to catch up. She didn't really bring up h except for a few times. I made sure not to bring him up. Instead, she really got to get to know the new me. She was amazed with all the cool things I had to share that happened in the last few months and I think it was a great bonding session. She did mention that her and her h were taking out my h for his bday today. I know exactly what their plans are. when texting with h today, he mentioned that he might venture out a little later. Maybe. Ok, so this is a minor minor detail, but I wonder.... Why not just say " I'm goin out at 2" (or whatever).... Why be so vague and non-commital? It doesn't make sense to me.

I've also been at this a bit and have been watching my sitch from a distance. The less detailed I am with my texts, the more detailed he becomes. When I take my time to respond (sometimes between 4-24 hours depending on the sitch), he'll mirror that. Its just an observation... Doesnt mean anything.

Well, that's it for now! Hope everyone has a great day!