Need practical ideas to aid my 180/Last Resort.WAW

[bigybiz]

Sandi2: Thanks - yes we are still in-house separation. We have no documents, no real arrangements, we are just kinda floating along. We eat meals together as a family, she and I both take care of the house, she participates in most of the family activities i.e. board games, dinners, she even attends extended family events (2 birthday parties recently) and this past weekend the we went away as a family as part of the spring break.

She "hides" and consumes herself with her passion/career. She works on publishing papers and is constantly "tweeting" and conversing with her cyber friends. She is in a crisis and thinks (this is me guessing) that I have interfered with her career and the notoriety/prestige she craves.

Yes, she is having her cake and eating it too.

Why do I want me eldest to move back in. I really like her. I enjoy her company, she is great with her "little" brothers and it is silly for a student to pay rent when she only live a 15 min walk away.

So there are big expenses and many logistics coming up - Summer camps, etc. We are usually stretched but we will be even more.

The coach said don't talk about the future - show her. But, now there are some real planning steps that need to be put in place and money needs to be budgeted.

I'm concerned if and when the money discussion comes up she is going to say well I need money for my move, first and last months rent, etc. Being cold and selfish - only being a mom part time. etc

I don't want to push her - every time I have it's gone bad. So now I've stopped (180). So how do I look and plan without setting her off - but on the other hand how do I say life is going on and you can be part of it or you can be a selfish so and so and only think about you.

Does that help?

[bigybiz]

TxHubby thanks for your comments. And yes I fully agree with you. I would love to say that to her. On an earlier post I quoted one of the "observations" about the WAW - that she won't change until she feels a loss due to her actions. So I was tempted to say to her get out. Quit dragging us through your nonsense. Hoping that if she left, she would feel the loss and come home.

Well one of the moderators (Sandi2 or Cadet) - slapped me into reality and said - it's not that easy and if I pushed her it would be my fault and my loss. And I agree. So now what.

I can't push her out. We have only been dealing with things as far as the current week. We have not looked any further. But, we've run out of rope. We need to plan and budget for the summer. I want to engage her so she wants to be part of it.

I'm totally sick of this having your cake ... I've been trying to set up boundaries and reasonable expectations and it's been OK. Could do better - but it's been a process. I realize the best way for her to see the changes I'm making in myself is if she is her with me.

The second I try and "take over" and plan it without her - it may be conceived as controlling.

[TxHubby]

You don't want her out. In-house sep. is better because she can see your GAL. BTW, do some awesome GAL. If you're out of shape then get in the best shape of your life. Do things. Take up active hobbies. Be the best you that you can be. My advice on the boundaries is that she gets ZERO say in the plans your family makes. Why? Because she has stated she doesn't want to be part of the family. Ok, fine, but that decision comes with serious consequences. She must see those consequences. Plan some awesome things to do with the family but don't consult her. That's how she wants it.

[bigybiz]

TxHubby: Thanks for your input. Yes my GAL is going OK. I'm in the best shape of my life. I run 5k everyday, I'm very slim (I was not heavy before), plus I do some basic dumbbells.

I'm catching up on house projects undone, I'm making amends to others, I'm trying to clean up my financial mess. I try and be out with my friends - it goes up and down. My business is going good. It can be great - I just don't always have the mental focus I need.

I don't want her to feel left out - as it is she feels that much of her life was driven by me and our kids only do things that I do (and their cousins).

So I'm kinda caught. I love the chapter in DB - where Michele talks about relationships being seesaws. That is my dilemma - if I do all the work - I may be letting her off the hook.

What do you and others think about that?

[bigybiz]

Oh BTW - by trolling existing posts and the comments coming back to me - I've really learned lots on how I can aid my 180. Some of the things I've learned that I may not have thought of was:

- don't be always asking the kids to do something for you. I was never a "go get me a.." guy but I have no idea how my W perceived me when I did - so for now - I've dialed it right down. Better safe than sorry

- Clean up your tool/work area - underway - again great idea

So any ideas will help. I'm especially interested in opinions from the ladies. What are things that you would like to see improved on in your man.

[sandi2]

You may have already read this, but I would suggest that you not depend or expect her to clean up after you. If you tend to be messy, make sure you don't leave a trail of trash, food, shoes, dirty clothes, magazines, etc., behine you in the house. Keep your clothes washed and hung or folded. Make your bed and change your sheets. Keep the bathroom clean when you leave it.

Most women get really irritated when they have to ask the H to do something that he should be able to clearly see that it needs to be done. For example, taking out the trash; cleaning up after pets; helping clean the kitchen instead of getting up and walking to the other room; picking up papers, bottles/cans, or whatever left laying around, telling the kids what they need to do instead of waiting on her to to do tell them; keeping the car serviced and clean; keeping the yard looking good; complete any projects that were stalled; make repairs where needed; and just look around and see if there is something that needs doing that you have the habit of leaving it up to her to take care of it.

One word of caution here, stay balanced and don't go into super husband mode. Don't take over doing all the work. It is not good to do your part and hers too. And, it sure won't cause her to appreciate it. Some women resent the H for waiting till this point before he woke up and started doing these things.

[bigybiz]

Thanks Sandi2.

I've read those and I was pretty good in the 1st place on the day to day. I went great guns on catching up on the repairs and maintenance. I'm backing that off a little now. Someone (maybe you) said that some WAW get more resentful when they see the projects getting completed after they have "pulled the trigger".

I'm trying to stay balanced and not do everything. That's an ongoing internal struggle. I've been direct a few times (i.e. I'll do the sheets and towels can you take care of the kitchen and bath). I figure that's a neutral approach.

I've started taking on half if not more of the meal prep work. It's been great when by 10 son has requested I make a certain meal.

I'm looking for those other items, that may have worked for others (shifting perceptions). One activity I started de-cluttering. primarily my own stuff and the kid's. I figure it's a good activity anyways. One or two items a day meet their demise.

So all ideas are welcome.

As I've said - I'm not sure what is going to work. There has been no response/acknowledgement and her moods change. So I'm looking for ideas that I can implement and if they work - great if not, I'll keep trying.

I do lots with the two kids in home - sometimes she joins in some times she does not. The kid's have realized how detached and minimally involved she is in their lives. Again, I worry about the see-saw effect.

On the emotional side - I'm trying too. When we talk - which is rare, I try and listen and validate. It's a struggle. But, I'm trying. I also struggle with when it's time to stop the convo. I know the DR and DB have instructed us to be the person to cut the conversation off - don't let them do it. Any ideas on the emotional side is really needed too.

I'm struggling and I really like the help that's here - so please keep it coming.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2. Did I give you enough info on this post? I'd really like your input.

[bigybiz]

Wait.....

I misunderstood. You are still in-house separation?

Why are you considering your oldest moving back into the house?

Sorry - this is what I wanted to know if Sandi2 had enough info about. I'd really like your input

[MrBond]

"That is my dilemma - if I do all the work - I may be letting her off the hook. "

Still shows you trying to control her. You just concentrate on yourself and your needs. Stop trying top make her feel some kind of responsibility. Live for yourself first and foremost.