Where do we go from here Part 2

[Sparkls]

Its so refreshing to see you guys talking about something OTHER than clothes :p

[Thornton]

^^^ Haha!

[Tyler12]

We could always go back to candles.

TimR glad you had a good weekend. And grats on the 4 pack! Mine aren't showing. However I haven't done anything in a week. Been thinking about getting protein shakes and whatever to help with muscle cause I will be in the gym this week. Any recommendations?

As for your roller coaster. I am finding it will only drop as far as you will let it. You know your looking good. Walk with confidence and a smile. It's amazing the way people react to you. I did it today and just a strangers smile back brought me up more.

[Sparkls]

Lol, bed bath and beyond is having a sale I think!

[Tyler12]

Sparkls. Stop being bitter cause it's easier for men to size shop. Speaking of clothes. I ordered some shoes today. Trying out a website that is so cheap it makes me question if I paid for a picture of what I want to buy or the actual thing. I'll see in a month when it gets here from China I think. But a 250$ pair of shoes for 25$. Worth the try I guess

[Sparkls]

lol ouch!

[TimR]

you guys gotta stop encouraging me to spend! although I could use some new candles.

As far as protein shakes, I can't give advise on that, I don't use any. I get my protein from eating a lot of eggs, meats (mostly red, which is bad) peanut butter (lots and lots of peanut butter) and nuts. My metabolism is so slow (probably from starving myself when I wrestled) that any supplements would make me gain weight. Cardio is the best of course for working off fat. Unlike every guy I see at the gym, I do more than lift my max three times and then take a 5 minute break. I usually lift something I am comfortable with 12 times and then move to another prestaged exercise and then another then back to first. For example:
Bench
Dumb bell curls
Flyes

Up right row
Military press
curls

Bent over rows
Behind the head
Lat extensions

Squats
Lunges
Thigh Extensions

That is my whole thing with 5 minutes of running before and after. I only do two sets instead of the three or four I should do because I do not want to live in the gym. I do that 2 times a week and then I do wrestling warm up with the kids and as tournament gets closer will live wrestle with one of the other dads who will compete too. When I have time and good weather I will be throwing in more runs and biking.

[Vanilla]

You both are doing so good and are an inspiration for me. I need help not taking people for granted and being empathetic to others. I am trying to practice this in Divorce care but I still find myself looking at the clock, especially when one guy is talking. That is terrible of me cause he is talking and I am thinking, "can we just move on." I know that makes me a horrible self centered person, so I have been trying to actively listen to what he says and offer my 2 cents. But boy I need to really work on this. I think it is because if someone is pouring their heart out I feel uncomfortable, I think I did the same with WW. Like I said I am working on it but have a ways to go.

I am going to read your threads before I post although I have some thoughts.

Let me marinade as I want to understand.


In the meanwhile this is so tough so a great big hug

V

[TimR]

Thanks Vanilla. I know I am not an overly sensitive person. I cannot think of a time when my dad said he loved me. I remember my grandfather saying it to me when I was small, "I wuv you" is what he said, but I was young. I never have known him to say it to my dad. I remember my dad being upset when he died but not crying. To this day I only remember seeing my dad cry once in my life and that was after he told mom to leave. My brother got hit by a car... dad a stone. I put a nail through my hand dad grabs me by the scruff of my neck and whispers "its gotta come out." as he yanks it out. Bike accident where my leg is rubbed to the muscle and some gauze is thrown on it wrestled the next day. Spinal tap at age 12 dad quietly says to me, "if you move during this you will either die or be paralyzed your entire life." then stands back and watches.

My grandfather, I never saw any weakness in. Even in death he looked like a strong man. My other grandfather I have only ever known in pictures and stories, a man's man... Worked in a coal mine from the time he was 13 to support his family, 6'2 225 built like... well he worked in a mine. All the stories I heard was how strong he was.

I am not saying I did not feel love in my family, I just grew without public displays of love or empathy from men. Its weird because I can show compassion to a woman but if a man cries about the same thing and I tune out. Even and maybe especially physical pain. I was teaching a throw once to the kids and the other coach did not tuck his head so he face planted on the mat. He said something to another coach about not getting on the mat any more with me cause I did it on purpose. My response was "he should have seen the mat rapidly approaching his face and tucked his chin." (I know, I know a d1ck comment.) Please don't get me wrong, I have not hurt anyone on purpose and that was the old me, the new me would ask if he was ok and apologize that I should have explained what I was going to do first.

Well I am babbling now so I will shut up just suffice to say there is something severely wrong with me emotionally. I am slowly making progress on it in that I do not want my S13 to end up the same way as me. Every night before bed I text him I love him and every time I drop him off I hug him and tell him I love him. Any suggestions of working on this lack of compassion and empathy would be appreciated.

[Vanilla]

Firstly Tim there is absolutely nothing wrong with you emotionally. Zilch, nada, zip and the very fact that you say this makes it doubly so.

I come from a nation of stiff upper lippers. It is part of our culture here, I guarantee that we are a warm nation.

Some of this way of interacting in your FOO family is most likely to be cultural and some of it is obviously family patterning. Public displays aren't every mans thing. What that means is there is a lot of intent in the small amounts of private affection shown. It takes a lot of strength to detach and help an injured hand in this way, to watch the pain off someone you love and let them bear it and grow from it. For these generations of men that was what was expected. From father to son to grandson. Traditional even.

Grief and pain are private and just because it isn't expressed one can't assume there are lack of feelings.

Some nations gush others contain. In some families being there and doing that which is needed is enough. Showing strength is how love is shown, discipline is seen as love.

Times are different and we expect to express love and feelings. In some ways this DB process is about learning our needs first and foremost so that we can express our feelings (different from our thoughts). I think that for you that means you are a later starter than most in this area.

It is a logical thinking error to believe that because feelings aren't expressed that they aren't felt.

As I see it there is no lack of compassion and empathy in TimR for others although there does appear to be a struggle to allow that to himself.

My first thought Tim is that I recommend that you reach deep inside of yourself and express the love that you adult TimR have from Little Tim who wanted expressions of love from his father. Tell that wonderful little boy that you care for him and that he grew up to be a loving and caring father himself. A man who can give the love and express it to a vulnerable boy in his care. The man who is working to become who he wants to be rather than the one that his nurture modelled him to be.

So my compassion and empathy suggestion for Tim is this, let go of these thoughts, forgive yourself for any and all lapses. If you need to atone to any male in your past to whom care was not shown do so. Please note Tim that I said not shown and I did not say not felt! The lack here if there is any seems to be in the expression rather than the feelings. In this you include yourself on any list for growth and love, you atone to you with compassion and care. Great release will come, the expression you have given is shame, shame for who you believe you are. In expressing as you have that shows enormous vulnerability. This of itself releases these feelings, sharing always does this.

In the next few days, I guarantee that the marinade will release the block and give you peace and detachment. It happens here regularly and I sense that in your heart this will be.

Breathe dear one.

I suggest you watch the film inside out, which is a phenomenal way of learning about feelings and identifying them.

My other big suggestion is to write a letter to your dad and grandad about your feelings of them and your sadness and disappointment about the lack of connection you felt. You can post here if you want or on Vs Foolish thread.

As always I will not be offended if you say no V.

I challenged Mahhty to write a love letter to himself, express happiness about himself. He struggled with it although his wonderful letter to himself was so wonderful.

TimR I believe we have truly hit a belief which is holding you back. Releasing this belief, atoning, learning about that vulnerable part of you will cause great shift. I really think so.

Please let me say this to you, I have now worked with truly severely emotionally damaged people in my Gamanon group and this is very different. I am not going to underplay your belief, it is a powerful one to hold on to. I merely challenge it and ask you is that in truth correct?

We are moving forward, this is true self expression and emotional work.

Hugs

V