Sparkling not so bright

[TimR]

Sparkls reread your threads and look for signs, even the smallest signs. The book says to experiment and monitor... But it also says many techniques fail because of giving up on them too soon. Look back at what you have been doing and the responses you are getting. For example he seems to be contacting you more now even though they contacts are very business like, it could still be a sign. You, of course, know your sitch better everyone else, although it is hard to be objective in your own sitch. I also think only a month of NC is too brief but I am not sure.

[Thornton]

Sparks, you crack me up lol.

I think you did a good job by not texting him last. You ended the convo, that's DB'ing 101.

Your H needs to feel a sense of loss, that's what will make him question himself. If anything is going to work to bring him home, it will be this. You are on the right track, trust the process.

Time change.. ugh. I'm with you. It's back to driving to work in the dark for me. Oh well, at least we'll have a little more sunshine in the evening.

[Sparkls]

I'm just going to type everything he's texted me since v-day so I can see it written down:
2/14:
H: do you have an american airlines frequent flyer number?
Me: no.
2/16:
Can I have my old orthopedic pillow?
Me: if I can find it.
H: Should be in the office.
Me: Ok. How do you want to do this? It's kind of gross, do you want me to wash it first?
H: Gross like dusty?
Me: Dusty and looks stained and icky
H; Sure. Thank you. They sent me an email about my shirt, has it arrived?
Me: not that I've seen.
H: Just wrap it up so it doesnt get wet and put it next to the door. I'll grab it later.
Me (bad DBing, I know!): Can we talk at some point? Or do you still need more time?
H: if you want. you should know I canceled the IC appointment today.
Me: That's unfortunate. I guess I just wanted to talk about CO. Namely, getting to the airport in philly.
H: I was going to take the train in on the day before and just spend the night at the airport.
Me: Okay I was just going to offer a ride but sounds like you've got a plan already.
H: Let me know when I can come by for that pillow.
Me: whenever.
2/18:
H: May I use one of the tvs there for my xbox?
Me: (the next day) Ok.
3/1: I would like to come pick up more of my things at some point today, will you be around?
Me: Sorry today and tomorrow are really busy days for me. Can we try like friday or saturday?
H: Friday I work until 3:30, saturday I'm off but busy all day.
H: we don't have to talk but I'm coming by at some point today to get my bike. If its in the garage, I will get it and ride it back.
Me: Friday should be just fine then. And yes, its in the garage assuming you left it there. I haven't touched it.
Me: oh and your shirt finally came. Its in the mailbox.
H: cool, thank you.
3/3:
Me: double checking that you're coming by tmororw at like 3:45?
H: I get of at 3:30 itll take me longer than 15 minutes to bike there.
Me: I didnt realize you were biking. Ok.
3/4:
H: Im getting off work early and one of my coworkers is offer ing to drive me out there, are you available?
Me: Yes.
- he came and got his things, couldn't look at me, awkwards as f*ck-
3/11:
Me: Hey. you probably already have taken care of it, but just in case I wanted to remind you that you need to update your address.
H: Did you get a letter about it?
Me: nope.
H: I haven't offically changed addresses yet. I was debating on not doing it at all in lieu of how soon I'm leaving.
H: also would you mind putting my drivers permit and w-2 forms in the mailbox? I can pick them up after work tonight.
Me: I don't believe either of those are here.
H: Permit should be in your glovebox. W-2 would've been on the big talbe before you cleaned the place.
Me :Ok.

Other weird thing, this is one text thread. The next set came as a different text thread (Iphones have two types of messaging).
Today:
H: did you find either of my w-2s or my drivers permit and if so can I come pick them up today?
me: I did , they've been in the mailbox since I said "Ok." sorry for the miscommunication.
H: it's alright, thanks for letting me know.


Looking back at it, todays text do have a slightly different feel to me but I"m probably reading too much into it. Not going to change anything until I have more data I suppose.

[Tyler12]

Sparkls you are doing great. I know it's hard to look at the positives. There are many you have and you just have to look for them.

H is texting a bit more. As long as you keep it comfortable for you it's a positive. You got yourself a new dress for match day. Nothing wrong with new clothes. Plus maybe you can wear it out another time and let more people see the stunning you. Yes it rained there all day, it is feeding te flowers, soon the world will be green and warm.

The rainy days don't last. But they help make beauty on the good days.

[Sparkls]

Ah, so many replies while I was typing that up!.

Thornton: Glad I could make somebody laugh today!

I actually bought 2 dresses. Which is weird. because I don't wear dresses. Like ever. I think I own like 1 other dress and I haven't worn it in years.
And thanks tyler, I'm trying to see positives but I also don't want to see false positives, ya know?

[Sparkls]

Yeah, I think I'm trying to see something that isn't there with the texts. (see above. they kinda got buried).
We will see if there's any sustained change or not. Only way to tell is to give it time and see what happens. Not going to have any expectations one way or the other (or try not to. Again, I'm not very good at this bit).

[Sparkls]

Woke up today after having a bad dream about OW and H.
For whatever reason, I'm just really angry today. Got a letter for him that he finally scheduled to take his drivers test. I've been trying to get him to do that for 3 fcuking years and one month after I kick him out, he finally effing does it. But he still isnt' responsible enough to change his address on something super important.
Bet ya he's going to put this address on his license.
This wayward bullsh*t really is getting to me. I don't know what it's going to take to snap him out of it. At this point, it doesn't seem like anything. He's living the high life. Doing whatever he pleases without any regard for the consequences. A very small part of me wants to make his world burn right now. I won't, cause high road and all that. But ugh, so much anger today.

[broke]

Sparkles,

For some reason, I missed some of your posts in the last couple days. I am so sorry by the losses that you have experienced in your life. I am sure it makes the pain of losing H even more profound, especially because he was who you opened up to after and he was there when your mom passed. You have had a really rough go of it and it makes me feel even more mad at myself for everything that I had and took for granted. Yes, I have many good qualities, but one of my 180's is to make sure I am not sweating the small stuff and recognizing how much I have to be grateful for.

I am so glad that you and your dad are closer and that you have "match" day to look forward to! I really can't wait to hear where you will be to start the next chapter of your life. You are truly going to be awesome - all of your work is going to pay off professionally. And, all of the work you are doing DB'ing will pay off personally. You truly will be prepared for such a great relationship going forward with or without your H.

I am glad you weren't home when he came to pick up his stuff - the DB'ing gods were helpful there. Keep it up, Sparkles, you are going to be a force!

[Thornton]

I don't think H is as happy as you think he is.

It's really easy to think about how happy and excited the WAS is about their new life. But I don't really think it's that easy for them.

They might look happy on the surface, but deep down, I think they are just as broken as we are.

Hang in there, Sparks.

[Sparkls]

Its just the stupid small things that I really shouldn't think about that are really starting to p*ss me off.
Like, we share a bank account and I logged in this morning and saw a charge for a dessert place right up the street from me that we went to on his birthday. He's buying f*cking cake for someone else. :LAKJ:LKJFDS:LKJ:KLJFDS:LKJ << how I'm feeling right now.
He shows no remorse, no doubt, no change. I deserve so much better from him. Why can't I just let go and move on. Why am I not one of those people who says "whop, you cheated on me. I'm outtie." It's not like he even *wants* to come home right now. Why am I sitting here begging the universe for him to change his mind? Ugh.