WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[Tyler12]

Hey trumpet. WAnted to stop by and see how you'd doing. I hope you are finding the new job satisfying and able to appreciate all the good that is in your life, like your kids.

[25yearsmlc]

Georgia, Mowgli, broke - thank you all. It's been a tough few days.

We had an irate customer tonight, she was super emotionally charged. Was crying, then laughing, then angry... all because she herself didn't commit to a vehicle, and it sold today, before she could buy it.

Much of her behavior was just like my wifes. I felt very sad for her, and stayed calm.

I'm the new sheriff in town, and the salesperson, who is a vet, told me I should go into therapy, as I knew what to do with her, to de-escalate the sitch, and actually produce the option for a sale with her tomorrow.

The wonderful good news here^^ is that you are identifying new found behaviors in yourself, that you welcome. And to that, I say "Bravo". May as well get something good out of all these ordeals and to be clear, that IS a good thing that can come of these tribulations. The folks who work it out within, grow and become better, more loving and more content people.

For those of us who feel this way, I can also say most of the remaining relationships we have, are enhanced and more valued by us. That is no small thing.;

But be vigilant, & beware... I say this from personal experience, that we must beware of false humility and self righteousness that benefits, truly, no one.

So, I have a bit of hope that I've changed.

It seems like it, and hope isn't dangerous IF it's not accompanied by "expectation" which is where we tend to go...and that's what bites us in the rear if we are not careful.

It's my hope that your hope can exist without the next sentence extending into an expectation AND OR a judgement on your wife...which unfortunately it does in the next sentence...

Still have no hope in wife coming around. She is not one to admit that she's wrong, well... ever.

I urge you to reflect on the "value" of this^^ sentence. Is there a point? I'm asking sincerely.

My main concern is that It could keep you stuck in victimhood and blame, which absolutely DEcreases the chance of reconciliation, AND detracts from your own path of growth. Plus I believe the taint of hypocrisy will occur to her.

Don't get me wrong Trump, I hate her behavior.

I hated choices my h made, too. Back then, I completely believed - that my h's choices were wrong and mostly selfish. I can still say that for the most part, I still think that's true.

Which leaves me with this: "so what?"

I mean, so what if my h made some selfish decisions? MUST this belief lead me, inevitably to divorce him b/c he made some lousy mistakes?

Obviously I don't think so. We all have to decide what our limits are.

I learned that making him wrong, even if that was knowable and true, did nothing FOR ME --AND OR our marital situation, except that it made it harder on everyone involved. Seriously, it worsened things to focus on HIS wrongness or on HIS choices. It hurt my kids and made me feel like a victim which led me to other non productive things.

Looking back, I think I must have believed, perhaps at some subconscious level, that being "right" in my marital woes, actually had value. That was a mistake of large proportion and delayed my growth by a solid year.

All that mattered, in reality, was for me to make sound choices motivated SOLELY by the desire to do the loving, healthy thing. NOT "teaching" h a lesson or "winning" the battle, or "showing him the consequences of his bad choices", OR being declared right, etc.

Just consistently trying to do the right thing was literally all that matters and it was always the only thing I could control.

ALL other efforts at changing or judging our spouses are wasted & often destructive

Similarly, those comments about the "wayward spouse", being wrong, but not knowing it, noting that the spouse is "not going to church anymore", (hard not to sound smug) and noting that "now the Spouse is justifying his/her behavior"---well, newsflash, they always justify their behavior - or they wouldn't engage in it--- ETC

These^^ comments and criticisms are really just more attempts at controlling or changing our spouses.

However, In fact, our spiritual and emotional paths involve zero judgement of our spouses.
food for thought and NOT meant to blame you. Just wanting to keep you on track on your own path.

This must & will get better.

I think there are a couple condos up the street that look interesting. Anyone have a condo here? If so, will a condo association let me turn a 2 bedroom into a 3 bedroom?

This is totally dependent on the specific condo association. Just as their dues vary, so do their rules.

[trumpet]

25yrsmlc,

Thank you for posting and your comments. They made me think! That is always the goal, right?

I do believe in right and wrong, based on Biblical values. Emotional affairs are wrong. My pornography was wrong. I didn't see how much it hurt my wife until I was able to objectively look at my actions, after the fact, from a '100 ft' perspective. I think my W will have the same revelations, after the divorce. Maybe she finds true love with her affair partner - it might happen. Maybe she just exchanges one set of problems for another, which I am inclined to believe.

I understand you wanting to let go of always being right, and of always 'grinding the axe' since hurt and harm was done to you... I did the same initially, but realize always blaming my W 100% isn't correct. It took BOTH of us, and both of us messed up.

I continue to believe that marriage is the right answer. My wife does not. I can't control the D, since we're in a no-fault state. One person can decide to end a marriage. I still love my wife, just it's transforming into a different love. No physical contact, no words expressed, no actions of gratitude... it's a one-way street for my love. I will continue to be kind, but I must be distant, since showering her with love that she doesn't want, and will not reciprocate, only leads to tremendous disappointment.

The fog I was living in has cleared somewhat - I now know that I could love another person, I could make a fantastic husband for someone, and that I can handle the kids on my own. I'd love to have my own place right now - it will come in time.

I got the detailed phone bill a day ago - first time I was able to see how many texts the wife was sending, as well as what the phone numbers she was sending to. I got 20 or so texts. Her 'friend' or really affair partner in Chicago got 1,200 texts last month. Difficult to see that it's just a friend, as she's told others, including our kids.

I set the boundary that I would not live in an open marriage. Thus, my gut told me she was full-on with the guy again. The reconciliation order was a farse, and my W knew it. I started up the divorce not because I believe in it, but because we had a 90 day time table to WORK on the marriage before we BOTH had to tell the court to dissolve the divorce. That was never going to happen with my wife back in love with the OM.

I have come to accept that the marriage will dissolve and die. I have come to accept that I will move on, and most likely find someone else down the road. I still have work on myself to do, and I'm excited about that. I still have hope that someday my wife would want to work on herself to the point that she'd entertain the possibility of remarriage. I also know that I'm not going to wait around for her. I have a life to live, and I have needs and desires that need to be met, if I was to be in a relationship.

I know there are more tears ahead, and my kids will not enjoy the divorce. I keep on thinking what is best for them, as well as for me. My decisions are now based around making sure they know they're loved and cherished.

[Tyler12]

I hope you had a great weekend trumpet. I understand it's not all roses right now, the main thing is you are doing what you see is best for you and your kids.

Absolutely there will be down days. It's all part of the grieving process, and there is no visible finish line. It just stops one day. Trust me. I am still grieving my M, but i don't grieve first M. We have been apart 8 years and it took me probably 2-3 to get through that one. However I didn't DB, I drank. So I have faith this time will be quicker and better for me.

You will come out of this the best Trumpet you can be, that I do not doubt. It won't be easy, the best things usually aren't though.

[Vanilla]

Happy Birthday Trumpet

V

[trumpet]

Thanks, V.

You're an inspiration.

My 40th. Celebrated at my mom and dads. Took D7/S12 with me. Wife was with D14 at anime convention. She didn't even wish me a happy bday. She is so enveloped in the affair, she didn't even put the kids to bed.

I'll still get her a card for her bday next month. I will rise above it. I have to. My beliefs will not allow me to follow my emotions. I do hurt some days- less now than a month ago. Looking forward to my own place, and starting life out again. My kids will be there with me, half the time, but I have great plans. And they deserve a happy dad, and a happy mom. I sure hope my wife finds her happy soon. I don't think it's down the rabbit hole she's looking, but you never know.

Gotta get on the walking/running thing again this week. Still, I'm hanging about 30 lbs. less than I was when the bomb dropped in late Oct. Proud of that.

Another 25 or so lbs and I'll be at my goal weight. Need to pack a few lbs of muscle on.

[Tyler12]

Glad you had a great bday. Like you I plan on at least wishing W a happy bday next month too. The day after our anniversary.

It's awesome you have a goal for you le life planned. Once our minds start to clear we focus on the important things.

Stay strong Trumpet.

[sandi2]

I'll still get her a card for her bday next month. I will rise above it. I

I find it interesting how a LBH finds loop holes for pursuing a WW who has been completely awful to him. "Rising above it" seems to be one of the favorites. Why does rising above it require pursuit?

As a WW, she will see it as you pursuing her.

[roist]

Yes rise above the situation.Be a better man.

I would not get a card if I were you. I do not see any advantages for you to give her one and several reasons not to. Plus not receiving anything could even help your W think more. But at this stage your decisions should be ALL about YOU.

Best wishes.

[Mowgli]

You sound like you did the first time you really detached, Trump.

I can sense that in you and that is good. Maybe seeing the phone bill really put it into perspective for you?

Either way, Happy Birthday!

I know it probably doesn't seem that way, but I also know that you've got that realist mentality right now, too. You may not know what the road ahead entails, but you know that it will be hard. I think you are ready for it, though!

Keep us in the loop, ok?