Baby steps

[Painter]

Another update:

I have found a place I want to move to. Originally, I wanted H to move, but many factors make it easier/better for me to move. There are things that bother me about it (it feels like it's just being made too easy and convenient for H), but I have to look at the big picture. After initially feeling excited about looking at places and planning (trying to focus on the positives), I hit a wall today and feel very sad and defeated. I went to church but ended up feeling worse - like a total failure.

Next, it's about getting the financial situation figured out. I need another part-time job and we need to find out in two weeks if H gets to keep his job. So far, they don't seem to think he's is at risk.

We have agreed on a fair financial solutions for cash flow. We're not taking legal steps towards a formal S or D yet, I think. H will be supporting me.

H has been raging a bit, but not much at me, mostly at other situations. Today, he suddenly had an angry outburst at something and I went hot and cold with fear because I thought it was something I had done. As I try to imagine a life without H, I'm becoming more aware of the emotions I feel when I'm around him.

H still wants us to live like married while preparing to separate. He says a lot of different things that seem contradictory about it, and I told him I just can't - I have to detach emotionally in order to not hurt so much while going through with this. Every time we're together, I have to deal with the disappointment that it doesn't mean he wants to work on the M.

He says he understands, but continues to approach me. He hugs me and touches me more than before. I told him that if he wants to not S after all, I'm happy to give the M another try - but I need more than a fleeting feeling from him, an impulse that may not last more than a day or a weekend. He has to make a decision and a commitment. He doesn't give me that, and consistently pulls away when I say that. He says he thinks 'that we both need space'.

He doesn't understand why I want to stay for a year in the area, why I don't just move right away 1000 miles away to be with family. He is talking about how I could find a good job there (much better job market for me), and then he could also move there after a while if we decide to not split for good. I think it sounds really unlikely that we would ever decide to get back together if I'm that far away.

To me, this is about transitioning at a pace I'm comfortable with. I have ties here after many years, and friends I want to lean on in this situation. I could see moving in a year, but not until I am a little further along emotionally.

For those who read this and wonder if it is worth it to try to work on their M like I have done for almost 2 years if it's just going to end in an S/D anyway, I would say emphatically yes. I am at a completely different place emotionally now than I was when I first found out about the A. H is also much more present in a way that makes me think the A is over. I think it's really hitting him now what's happening, he's grieving and going through his own process. This is much, much less hurtful than when he was in the middle of the A fog and just threw me to the side. We can work on this as friends, without all the bitterness and anger I felt before. We're actually communicating better now than ever before.

Of course I'm upset and sad, but I feel that H and I are in this together and are actually supporting each other, instead of feeling completely alone and deserted, while thinking about him and OW enjoying themselves.