I think I kind of set a boundary. I said, " I am sorry that you feel like that, but I will be continuing to pick the kids up @ xx on this night as we have. If we need to make other arrangements let me know and we can look into our options."
I don't see this as a "boundary", but more like a pronouncement. But, it's fine. Everything doesn't have to be a boundary.
Quote:
I am thinking of stating a boundary of something like.
"I have stated that I will not assist in the dissolution of the covenant we made with God on our wedding day, nor do I approve of the destruction of our family. When you continue to ask me to assist by providing info or paying the fess, I feel that you do not respect my feelings. If you continue to ask or expect me to be a part of this I will not respond to anything unless directly related to the children and their needs."
Not much of a "consequence" but it is something. Thoughts on this and any changes?
I think you really need to know where you stand, before you start calling it a boundary. Just a few days ago you were going to give her a speech about hurrying up the D process, and today you want to put up boundaries. I really think you are still trying to control her, regardless of the name you pin to it.
You are swinging wildly from one thing to the other, which looks like you are wanting to do something to get a desired reaction.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are probably right in that I am swinging from side to side. I think this is mostly just internally and not something she is aware of since we really don't have much contact. Still working on detaching. I think I am making progress, I haven't logged on to her game in over a week. I just assume that she is going to be doing more of the same and I know that it doesn't help to see it. Also, doing good staying busy with other things as my idle time is the worst for thoughts.
My goal for the speech was not to say hurry up, but more along the lines of I accept your decision.
I don't want to be viewed as controlling so I am leaning towards just giving her the info and not making it a big deal where R convo's come up. Old me would say NO WAY go figure it out. 10 minutes from now I will probably be back to not wanting to give it to her....Going to read and reread my threads to center my emotions.
Speeches don't work. You are not detaching. Whatever you are doing will come across as controlling. She hates controlling right now. It will just backfire. I would just leave it alone and truly detach to get her to the place she needs to go.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I would do things like you are trying to do….anything to get a big reaction from my H. He could see the manipulation a mile away. It never worked - it just pushed him further and further away. Detaching really seems to be the only thing that works. Who knows what sitch it will work for reconciliation? But, I do know that pursuing, controlling, and begging did not work for me….and we can really only focus on ourselves here. So, why not make ourselves the best version we can for the next relationship (with or without our WAS)?
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Short but sweet and #100% real. I gave her what she wanted as to avoid dragging my feet and not try to control this sitch. i swear the closer that a WW gets to what she thinks she wants the angrier she gets. Big week for me this week...supposedly getting D papers. I accept it, I need to work on me and she needs to as you said, "get to the place she needs to go" I saw on here somewhere that if your going thru he11, you have to keep walking to get out.
I think this is fitting scripture for any DB'er
Hebrews 12:1 (NIV) Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
Any thoughts on why a WW simply gets colder and angrier? I know that me not DB'ing appropriately is the first thing that comes to mind. Assuming that DB is done correctly, what are thoughts on why this is?
My GAL'ing seems to make her angry, I give her the info she wants and she gets petty and bitchy about other things. I think she is mad that I have $$ to do things and she does not. I don't brag about what I am doing, just that I have something to do and need her to watch the kids.
I swear that she desperately wants to get a reaction out of me and my not engaging and simply validating makes her mad. "If that's what you need to do...I can see why you would feel that way, or I'm sorry you feel that way, etc" I don't even follow these up with a "But". I just leave it @ that and move on. They are not related to past unhappiness or R talks. Mostly her trying to bring up the D in some way. Typically via text as when she calls I don't answer about 75% of the time and she follows up with a text.
I haven't seen anything in threads on this topic and wanted to pose the question. I feel like a logical person would be happy they are about to enjoy this "fantasy life" they have convinced themselves is going to be soooo great. But WW are far from logical so.....
I know that it will get worse before it gets better as I have read, but curious on the psychology of a WW that drives this behavior and if it is common or due to something I am doing.
I know I am not DB'ing perfectly, but I think I am making some progress in detaching (still a ways to go but moving forwards). Haven't logged onto game or done anything to "see what she is up to" in a few weeks. I remind myself that she is going to do, what she is going to do and I cannot control or change that.
I, of course, am no expert. But I think that they externalize the anger that they really feel for themselves. Its easier to make you the villain than admit what she did and internalize that as her being the bad person in this situation.
It seems fairly common (moreso with women it seems but that's simply an observation and could very likely be entirely wrong). When I didn't kick H out after finding out about the A he tried to make me angry by telling me he never loved me, he was faking it the whole time etc. It's all bullsh*t. Keep doing what youre doing. It's likely she'll keep getting angrier until she realizes she's angry at the wrong person. Some never get to this point but I hope for your sake she does internalize it and learn to move past it.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
I would say the anger is coming from resentment she had pushed down for a long time. A WW is selfishness at its worst. Some WW's are so full of anger toward the H that she doesn't want him to enjoy anything in life. Some WW's wants the H to suffer for making her unhappy. She wants him to be sad and lonely. She wants to manipulate him. If she sees him being happy without her and GAL, or if she feels she's losing control of him....it makes her very angry.
All your questions will probably never be completely answered b/c she is a different person now and that's what you really don't understand. Nothing is logical, and you are trying to find a logical reason for her behavior.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
So is this a bad thing, or just part of the process and to be expected? I don't feel like I am doing anything blatantly wrong. No R talks and I stick to the 37 rules. I think I just need affirmation....
