Still moving in a new direction

[mleigh4]

Thanks Tfish. I did the same, asked H if we are filing like normal. He said he guesses, whatever is financially better. Honestly, I'm not sure if it is for me. He makes twice as much as me, it throws us into a high income bracket.....it's a month from filing, so I will just do like normal, but it may be something for me to look into this year. He wants to be on his own, right? He should be doing his own taxes! I wouldn't mind having our finances completely separated.

While we were talking taxes, I told him I had been thinking, and in regards to the boat and RV, all I ask is to get back what I put in, which was 5k each. I told him he could keep them, sell them, up to him. We were going to sell the RV and split, but I don't feel right about that. H dad owned it and sold it to us for 10k, at least 30k less than what it was worth. He did that with the intention for us to enjoy it as a family. To sell it and keep the money isn't the right thing to do, in fact I would just keep my 5k and give the rest back to his dad if anything. H responded we should talk about that more.

Anyway, H came by last night to visit with S. Got here at 8:30 and hung out for about an hour. The house must have smelled wonderful, I made a delicious pasta dish with grilled veggies before he came. He had his sparkly pocket jeans on again. Lol.

He was searching all over the house for caulk, because when I asked him for it, like he told me to, he said shoot, I put it in my work truck. WHY I thought??? He doesn't come here in his work truck!!?? OMG that mush brain. While he was searching, he found a long lost camera that has been missing and I really had thought he had taken it. Right away, H hooked it up to be charged and starting looking through the pictures. Looked to be pics from 3 to 4 years ago. He was shouting out to S and I to look at this one, oh look at this one. He then asked if he could take the memory card home to download the pics to his computer.

I wanted to say, why? You were miserable during this time, remember?? Lol. I wonder what it will be like for him to look through these?

S and I had a wonderful rainy Sunday today. I hope you all had a good weekend.

Our first counseling session is on Wed.

[job]

When we filed taxes, we filed jointly the first year and after that separately, even though we were still married for two more years until the divorce was final. But, in my case, I was making the mortgage payment even though the house was in both names.

I would see which way is better for you and go from there. Sometimes it's worth the extra time to see if it's better to file jointing or separately.

[2Times2Many]

Do you also see your H easily overwhelmed?

Absolutely! Sometimes the drama over some small thing is way out of proportion. But he's not as bad as he used to be. To his credit, he recognized that as something he was not happy with in himself (along with his anger) and has been trying very hard to change it. I've seen a difference. The drama factor over insignificant stuff and the inability to kind of take things in stride has come way down. His recent move was overwhelming to him and he remarked that he had to just go sit down and breathe a couple of times.

I'm not around him all that much, but when I am and I see him becoming overwhelmed by or frustrated with some issue, I try to come up with something to say that puts whatever he's dealing with in a different light. That would be subtly trying get him to do what my IC preaches to me ... change the way you think about things and it will change the way you feel about them. Kind of like leading his mind in a different direction, I guess?? The trick is to do it as a friend and not sound like a parent.

[CaliGuy]

M
Ok I laughed .... Just hearing you ask H for the caulk... Ok ok I'm 15 sometimes

About the taxes, we file separate and haves once BD, so 2-3 years now. What threw me was W claimed S the first year and I wasn't prepared nor did I change anything, not that I could as I was scrapping for dimes... I ended up with a nice $6500 fed tax bill that I'm still paying off. This yeah I'm claiming him so we will see how that balances out. She makes more but I'm still paying half and was ok with it just knowing this would only last a few months.... 28 months later I'm curious to see if financially I'll be better off after D

[mleigh4]

Well Cali, H gave me his caulk tonight when I dropped off S with him. LOL, Sorry, I couldn't resist

So today my mom was back in action. Only a few weeks after unblocking her, she is beating me up again. She had asked what to get S for his birthday, I was honest and told her your guess is as good as mine, I struggle with ideas myself because he doesn't want anything! So she decided to get him an alarm clock and a portable radio and had them shipped to the house. He opened the box, then called and thanked her. She keeps asking if he has them out yet, if he has used them. She asked again today. I suppose I need to learn how to lie in these situations? I told her not quite yet, but he will. I got back an email at work that I am rude and ungrateful for her gift to her grandson.

Ok, why do I keep hearing these words? From her and H? Then it hit me. I don't see what me or my son are doing other than not living up to THEIR expectations of us. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I finally see it as their problem, not ours. I am so tired of hearing how I fail with them, so get out of my life and leave me alone already if I am so awful! What the frick do they want from me?

Instead of getting defensive, fighting back or ignoring her, I decided to handle it in a different way this time. I told her, I once again have not lived up to her expectations enough for her to bother me at work to call me rude and ungrateful. I said, I don't understand why so please tell me exactly what you want me to do?

Boy, did that shut her up. I got silence for a long time, then a reply that I am a good daughter and a good mom and let's just let this go. Needless to say, I blocked her on my work email again to avoid her bothering me at work any further.

I can't wait to try this out with H! It's total honesty and puts the ball in their court. I too think he would have no idea what to say once he realized his expectations are too ridiculous to even say. Like....you should be forcing S to shower not bathe! Or how about....force S to like short hair, not long!!

I just wish H could see the damage he is doing. S is again complaining about having to go with his dad, and it was getting so much better.

[mleigh4]

Oh, and thanks Job for the tax info.

2times, we have a board at work where we write inspirational quotes, and I used yours. You can change how you feel by changing the way you think. I just love it. I too try to calm H down by redirecting his thoughts. Sometimes it works!

[job]

You handled your situation w/your mother the right way. I wouldn't lie to her about whether your son is enjoying his gifts or not. He called her and thanked her for them and that should have been enough. Your son was doing the right thing and that is what I call a polite young man. That should have been enough for your mother. Whether he uses the items or not is none of her concern once the gift was acknowledged.

BTW, glad to hear that the caulk showed up. LOL!

Do not think for one minute that you are a bad person. You are handling the situations that come up w/grace and dignity. Continue as you have been. Don't give their "expectations" a second thought. It's what you expect of yourself that counts.

[mleigh4]

It's what you expect of yourself that counts. I like that Job, and it's exactly how I live my life these days, and probably why I am happier than I have been in a long time!

So, I talked with S more about a summer vacation together. The thought of leaving him with H, who will certainly need the help of Grammy, gives me anxiety! S didn't like the idea of that either. I know, I am a big baby, but knowing he will be miserable makes me miserable and will ruin my trip. It would work better when he is a bit older and he has his own phone!

So, he said, I hate vacations! Lol. I asked him why. He said, I like home. I said, well, what if I could find us a trip where we can bring dog with us? He thought for a moment, then said ok, as long as we don't go on an airplane or a cruise ship! I said deal! The plan? To park us in an oceanfront beach house for a few days. A perfect soul soother trip! I already have a place in mind I found in Malibu. If anyone has any ideas where to stay, let me know!

H and I have our first counseling session tomorrow. I wonder if he remembers? I wonder if he will show up? If he does, I plan on being pretty quiet. I have been wanting a peek in that mind of his for a long time. I can't wait to hear what he has to say!

[Sotto]

Hi Mleigh, it sounds like you are doing well, and hats off to you with the MIL dealings. I agree with the expectations of yourself. This is how I try to operate nowadays. Before I was often motivated by, what do I think they expect of me? Which I realise now is giving my power away - it's a work in progress, but I always try and take it back now. I had an example recently where my Dad was lecturing giving me some unwanted advice. I came away really annoyed about that. Next time I saw him I kindly told him I'm able to take care of that myself and I know he always means well and I'll ask him if I do want some advice.

Your trip plans sound lovely. Beach front house in Malibu?? I'm in!! Good luck with the counselling. I hope your H attends and participates constructively.

Take care xx

[job]

How did the counseling session go? Are you and your son okay?

As for the beach front in Malibu...that's sounds like a lot of fun. I think you and your son would enjoy that very much and if you could bring the pup along...that would be great!

Hang in there!