Grading Ourselves

[TimR]

Great idea Sparkls. Here is mine.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 8 I have gotten much better at this but I bet she knows how much I want her.

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 6 I have to text about kids but I have improved and backed off considerably and now try and address any and all issues at once. I still respond too quickly.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 10 I don't talk about M at all with WW.

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 10-seperated

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 7 I have to talk to her about S wrestling and give her a monthly tournament calendar.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 6 I do vent to my mom and a mutual friend. I have backed off a bit with that but sometimes you just need to talk to someone.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 10

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 10

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 8 I do look at her mom's pintrest but she blocked me from FB and I have not really tried for a couple weeks now.

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 10

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 7 she knows I am going to the gym and jogging. She has passed me.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 9 Thornton and I are killing at this with new clothes galore! I am wearing stuff I never would have before and I feel good about it!

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 10 we don't interact that way

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. N/A

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 10 I have not asked her what she is up to at all.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 5 I don't know what she is thinking.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 8 I have done my best to be light and breezy but some of my texts have been very just business.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 6 I think at times my voice on the phone has been too happy maybe.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 10

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 7 While I have gotten better, I have also lost my cool and she could hear it in my voice. I have not said anything horrible or mean but I am sure she could hear my negative emotions. I need to improve that.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 6 again there were times I think I was too happy on the phone.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 10

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 5 I pulled back and am being as patient as possible but it is killing me inside!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 10 our few conversations my entire focus has been on her.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 7 I have boundaries but was too cold in carrying them out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 8 doing good in exercise and eating. Bad at laughing and sleep. Sleep has been improving.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 10, I have read a ton of book!

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 5 I have had some issues with not considering her in decisions. I need to improve especially since it was a big complaint of hers

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 9 I think at times we have had extended time I would start to feel needy, during those times I walk away and get some space.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 9 I do not even bring up anything about me.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 2 I over analyze everything she says.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 8 I think I am very determined but I have thoughts about dating or just saying screw it. Then my determination is renewed.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 10

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 8 I have gotten better about texting.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 7 I go out to bars but have not had any other problems arise

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 8 I think I am doing well with keeping my changes but I should be cleaning more than I am.