Rednail- Me, Myself, and I

[1313]

Rednail,
one thing I've noticed on this thread is that as soon as you practice your DBing, gain strength, GAL, are self-assured, set your boundaries, detach etc. your H pursues you. It's textbook classic. He can't stand it.

I know it's hard - but IMO you've got to double down on this. I'm not sure if telling him he's hovering is covered by DB, but I don't know why not! It's a boundary. Draw an invisible line around your space, and enforce it. You've got to get really serious, and you've got to detach even further. Keep at arms length and then add a few feet to that.

Letting him lie on the bed next to you allowed him to be the one to declare he was leaving, not you. You shouldn't have been there, or hopped up as soon as he did that. I would think if you're ignoring him - it shouldn't be so he can be so close.

You're right in avoiding days like today - it's too easy for you to fall off the wagon and your H is going to play you like a fiddle if you do. However, it can't always be avoided. You need to operate on your schedule at your convenience.

You can use days like today to your advantage as well. Sit and read a book and ignore him. Do some prep work in the kitchen. Something that will tell him he's in the way - but he can observe from a distance. Continue ignoring. Try cutting texts in half. Distance.

You're feeling better about yourself and it shows. It's attracting him. You're detaching and he can't stand it. Keep it up, you're marvelous!

[Rednail]

I literally think the ONLY place I can be without him being able to bug me is the recliner next to the couch. Maybe that will be my new seat..just plant myself there and not move.

In my head though, if he is watching tv or playing a game in the living room,I should go into another room so it's not like we are hanging out..but maybe just sitting in the one spot will work better?

[Rednail]

Oh and I agree 1313 with everything you said. Since my baby isn't sick this week, I have no reason to answer every call or text. Back to more distance! It should be really easy this week. It is his long week with only 1-2 days off instead of 4-5.

[broke]

Great advice from 1313. I completely agree that your H really starts paying attention when you create distance and detach from him. You sound so much more confident - build on that and start DBing even harder. Reread your boundaries and sandi's rules and grade yourself. That's my homework tonight too. Makes it easier to focus on what we need to. Keep it up! Glad yesterday's shower was fun and you bailed on the date! You are strong - keep it up, Red!

[Rednail]

Broke- I'm glad I bailed too..my "friend" called my bff who he knows to talk about how horrible I am because I only want to be friends! He said I have too many boundaries! I'm glad I'm upfront and setting them.

I'm really glad I have you guys. I'm using boundaries on my friends, validation, feeling confident. It is so much more then my idiot H. You guys help me all around in life.

That is good homework. Maybe it should be our Sunday home work every week. Look over how we did for the week, judge our progress, adjust where needed =D

[Sparkls]

It'd be interesting for all of us to grade ourselves. Maybe a separate thread for it? :-p Our own weekly homework assignment.

[Rednail]

Sparkls- yes lol. I'm giving myself a 76-C.. This week improving on distance all over. Physically, emotionally, mentally.. Distance.

[Rednail]

All my hard work just went down the drain.. All of it. Gone.

H came over and wanted an US talk. I couldn't take it..after like an hour..I ended up running away to my room ballin my eyes out.

It was too much for me.

It was just bad.

I feel like a failure.

[Sparkls]

Talk to us when you feel more up to it.
Remember though, nothing is forever, nothing is permanent.
Deep breaths.
Hot showers help too (at least me).

[TimR]

Reds don't beat yourself up over one talk. First he initiated which is a good thing? No? Look at the positive. So what you cried, you didn't do it in front of him and YOU ended the conversation, albeit not in the best way. So what you may have taken a couple steps back... you got time to rebound. Just climb back up on that horse and keep DBing.