Sparkling not so bright

[Sparkls]

More journaling:
I don't think I will either. And as much as I talk about doing it, I don't actually plan to. There is a part of me that is still worried that he's gotten this impression that he's not welcome here. Hell, I told him he wasn't welcome here in the letter I left with his stuff on V-day. The week leading up to that I had told him I wanted to work on this, loved him, etc. But I didn't talk to him for 2 days, then left a letter telling him he's hurt me, that I deserve better and that for now, he wasn't welcome in my home.
The more logical part of my brain says that he knows that he can come back if he goes through the right steps. But there's still that nagging voice telling me that he believes I'm done and that is why he's running back to CO.
More useless mind reading. And its pointless to even really think about while he's still off in A land.
I've been doing a lot of reflection about my past over the last few hours. Adding to the sob story that is Spark's life: I had two older brothers who both died when I was 11. Obviously, it pretty much ruined my family. I was depressed and had massive attachment issues throughout my teenage years because I felt like anyone I loved was just going to die on me anyway. And then, when I was 16, I had a friend tell me "Sparks, you know it's very sad your brothers died. But what's worse is that you kind of did too." And for whatever reason, that really stuck with me and was a big turning point in my life. I opened up more and started to live again. Its no coincidence that I first met H the next year. He was my waiter at a restaurant. Took another 2 years before we started dating. But for me, the important thing moving forward is going to be that I don't slip back into this "everyone I love is going to leave me." I feel myself doing it at times. Hopefully knowing its a problem that I face will allow me to avoid the pitfall. But when people say I'll find the man I'm supposed to be with, I just shut down emotionally. Cause frankly, I don't really want another man. I suppose that's why I'm here instead of just moving on . Despite all the flaws and grief and pain he's put me through, its still him I picture as my future.
I'm incredibly grateful for hte people here. There's a few other forums that I've ventured over to and have gotten a lot of "you aren't married, you don't have kids, run!" Its hard to explain but in my mind, we were married. We had discussed it for years and had both decided that we wanted to do it the way we wanted and since neither of us would get help from our parents for a wedding, we were waiting until we had the funds. But when he talked about me to other people he would say "Lets call a spade a spade, she's my wife." I wonder what he says about me now. I still call him my boyfriend. I can't bring myself to call him my ex. Maybe that day will come. I hope not.

Anyway, I"m rambling at this point. Lots of thoughts up in the old noggin this evening.

[Thornton]

I too, lost a sibling when I was 10.

My sister was 16 and was killed instantly in a car accident. It messed me up bad. My parents were so grief stricken that I had no one.

I also developed huge fears and attachment issues. I honestly think that's where a lot of my codependency issues stemmed from. I would pick women I thought I could fix or rescue and in turn, they would see my worth and never leave me.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Broken women have hurt me because they are broken. In a sense, I'm broken as well. However, I've never had an issue admitting it and doing things to try and fix myself or my relationships.

Sparks, this isn't our life. Sure it is for right now, but I truly believe we have bigger and better things in store for us.

No one escapes this life without tragedy and heart break, it's a part of living. But we must continue to have hope that things will get better. If we don't have hope, we have nothing.

No matter what happens, Sparks, we will smile again one day. Don't forget that.

[Sparkls]

Maybe that's why I feel like I don't have anything right now. Its been very difficult for me to find any hope in this. And it's tarnished everything in my life.
Like match day is supposed to be the best day of med school: the day when all that we've gone through was *for* something. And I couldn't care less. My friends are all bringing their husbands/wives and its just another painful reminder that the person who I should be sharing this with is in someone else's bed.
A friend who is having a hard time in his marriage and I were talking and he said that I shouldn't have to wait for someone I love to do the right thing. But that's exactly what I'm doing. If only I could see the future and know that it was worth while.

[Sparkls]

Rainy day so no walks for the pups which [censored]. Woke up stupid early so I ended up laying down for an afternoon nap and woke up to a text from H:
Did you find either my W-2s or my drivers permit, and if so can I pick them up later today?
I just responded : yes, they've been in the mailbox since I said OK. Sorry for the miscommunication.

Today has been a really heavy wishing he would come home day. And he always words his texts so weird (asking permission so much). I can't help but feel like there must be a lot of shame there. Who knows.

But man, I really want him to come home. :-(

[Sparkls]

H: it's alright, thanks for letting me know.

[Sparkls]

I'm guessing it's very not DB to say something like "Anytime. stay dry." (Since it's pouring...

[daybyday]

Yeah. No Anytime or stay dry. Sorry your day is sucking so bad Sparkls. I hurt for you. We can't see the future but we have to think towards it and if we want these type of WAS in our lives.

Even though my journey is just in phase two with the S, I don't know if it could be turned around but I am going to give it a shot. You have tried to take the high rode and do whats right.
He is just a blind immature fella it sounds to me. You deserve much better. By the way Sundays stink.

[HopeRB]

Oh Spark. Your H's texts sound like mine - asking for permission, very arm's length as if I never had his heart. Yeah, thats always jarring when it happens. There is shame there. There is guilt there. There is anger there. Playing devil's advocate for a second, the WAS tends to not get a whole lot of love from too many people (unless the sitch is extreme/abusive). He doesn't know where he should be standing, what to say, how to say it or even if he should be saying it. He's just as confused as you, but they won't show it. And I believe that is because of the thick fog they are in the midst of.

Just made me think of the time H and I were in Costa Rica. Had never been there before and rented a car to drive up north. The entire time, we were driving through serious fog - couldn't even see your hand if you put it outside the window. I was so afraid b/c we had no clue where we were and H was pissed that he had to drive. Oddly, enough H says he was trying to "break up" with me during that whole trip, which I did sense b/c we didn't have the best time. Anyway, that fog was so thick, but I just encouraged him to keep going. We made it out and drove back down south a few days later and it turned out that was a huge mountain we were driving on and we could've driven right off of either side if H wasn't so careful. But we kept going had fun with it. Don't know what that has to do with anything but I always think of that when the fog talk comes up.

Anyway, sorry to hijack. I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the whole, "everyone I love is going to eventually leave me" thing. My dad and mom had a rocky M, dad left and came back, then mom left and came back then dad left and came back then dad tricked my mom into moving out and that was the end of that. I've always had abandonment issues b/c of them. We moved alot, never had a consistent BFF but have met alot of amazing people. So when H came around (and stayed), I thought I had finally made it. I'm rambling on your board but I'll tell you what my cousin just told me on the phone a few minutes ago: let's allow this to be an awakening. Yes, it's the worst way to be woken up but, this is where we are right now. I have trouble visualizing my life without H too but what can we learn about ourselves, our relationships, our lives that we can take into our next R, with or without H?

[Sparkls]

The texts throw me because hes not really the kind of guy to say thank you so much. Like, I had to pester him to tell his boss thank you for giving him time off for my moms funeral.
I dunno, for whatever reason, they feel more like he's ashamed and trying to not piss me off anymore than he already has.
I don't know if I should be more friendly (the anytime and stay dry) or if I should keep being very business like. I feel like business like hasn't accomplished anything so is it a cheeseless tunnel? I worry that I'm appearing to be too prideful or something and he won't approach me about anything not strictly business.

I don't know. Maybe it is progress that he's now texted me twice in 3 days. Considering it was like 2 in the previous 3 weeks.
Man I wish I could afford a couch. Being broke [censored].

[Sparkls]

Journal for the day:
Well, the texting happened. I never did respond, as much as I wanted to. I guess I'll see if the trend continue (him texting more) but I kind of doubt it.
I went to Kohls and got some clothes today (a new dress for Match day on friday).
I dunno how you boys do it. I hate clothes shopping. Girls clothing sizes make no sense, I'm tall and have a rather large *ahem* top, which makes it impossible to find dresses that aren't like inappropriate.
But I found something I think. Good enough at least.
H came by and got his papers while I was out shopping. (yay, he was able to see that I wasn't home as my car is always parked right in front). I had to drive by his job on my way to the store and saw his bike so I had assumed he was working today, guess not. Or he had someone else come get his papers. Doesn't matter, just an observation.

Other weird thing that happened is I ended up posting a video to facebook of the pups howling. And H's mom liked it. I think this is the first status of mine she's *EVER* liked. We haven't always seen eye to eye but shortly after d-day, we had a long talk. I apologized for my part in our tension and we had a good talk about H. Haven't talked since and I certainly don't plan to for a while (I do at some point what to thank her for letting me live in her basement for 2 years).

I have no clue what progress with H would even look like at this point. I guess not living with OW would be a pretty great start. My IC has asked me what "done" looks like for me. Still not sure what that looks like either.

My dog is going bananas today. They didn't get 2 walks like normal thanks to rain. And he just WILL not stop whining at absolutely nothing. The time change has also messed with me more than normal. Gotta go and fix all the clocks in the house.