Oh Spark. Your H's texts sound like mine - asking for permission, very arm's length as if I never had his heart. Yeah, thats always jarring when it happens. There is shame there. There is guilt there. There is anger there. Playing devil's advocate for a second, the WAS tends to not get a whole lot of love from too many people (unless the sitch is extreme/abusive). He doesn't know where he should be standing, what to say, how to say it or even if he should be saying it. He's just as confused as you, but they won't show it. And I believe that is because of the thick fog they are in the midst of.
Just made me think of the time H and I were in Costa Rica. Had never been there before and rented a car to drive up north. The entire time, we were driving through serious fog - couldn't even see your hand if you put it outside the window. I was so afraid b/c we had no clue where we were and H was pissed that he had to drive. Oddly, enough H says he was trying to "break up" with me during that whole trip, which I did sense b/c we didn't have the best time. Anyway, that fog was so thick, but I just encouraged him to keep going. We made it out and drove back down south a few days later and it turned out that was a huge mountain we were driving on and we could've driven right off of either side if H wasn't so careful. But we kept going had fun with it. Don't know what that has to do with anything but I always think of that when the fog talk comes up.
Anyway, sorry to hijack. I guess I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in the whole, "everyone I love is going to eventually leave me" thing. My dad and mom had a rocky M, dad left and came back, then mom left and came back then dad left and came back then dad tricked my mom into moving out and that was the end of that. I've always had abandonment issues b/c of them. We moved alot, never had a consistent BFF but have met alot of amazing people. So when H came around (and stayed), I thought I had finally made it. I'm rambling on your board but I'll tell you what my cousin just told me on the phone a few minutes ago: let's allow this to be an awakening. Yes, it's the worst way to be woken up but, this is where we are right now. I have trouble visualizing my life without H too but what can we learn about ourselves, our relationships, our lives that we can take into our next R, with or without H?
"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
