New Thread for Help

[Tyler12]

Glad you had a good time at Sons game. Just a 180 thought I have and if it doesn't work for you that's fine. If you used to give her options for restaurants change that. Make the choice yourself. Say I made reservations at x for this time. You will never control her thoughts and feelings on the restaurant you chose and it eliminates conflict over deciding.

This may bring up her saying you are forcing her to go to said restaurant and you can say. I find it hard to find anyplace that we can agree on, I thought I would save us the trouble of arguing over the place and chose. If you don't feel you will enjoy x then you don't have to join us.

[CWOL]

Glad you had a good time at Sons game. Just a 180 thought I have and if it doesn't work for you that's fine. If you used to give her options for restaurants change that. Make the choice yourself. Say I made reservations at x for this time. You will never control her thoughts and feelings on the restaurant you chose and it eliminates conflict over deciding.

Actually that's what I used to do, just choose the restaurant, then I would hear about it throughout the time we are there. Never a word of appreciation. Then I went with the choice tactic, which generally works better except she would be unhappy if I offered A and B, and want an option C. In the end, it's never about the restaurant or the food, but I think it's her way of showing rebellion at what she perceives as control over her (finances, restaurants, etc.) She just wants to show that I cannot win.

There's been a few times when I told her, "Enough with the complaints already, I'm not the one cooking, let's just try to have a good time." Then she'd sit there and brood, at least stop complaining. To be honest, these are usually very meaningless arguments because we are there for an hour, 90 minutes tops. And after the meal it doesn't matter, does it? I need to pick myself up and stop accepting her doormatting. I guess it will end soon enough when she moves out!

[Tyler12]

It always [censored] when it feels like lose lose situations. All you can do is what's best for you and your children. Her attitude is her choice. Sure it effects you, only as much as you will let it though. That has been the hardest part of all of this to me. Not letting her emotions effect mine. I am detached from her choices, they are hers and mine are mine. I may not agree with hers all the time, they are hers though and she has to live with them.

If you are doing the best you can that is all you can do. The choices you make at times are what you see as the best option. It may not always work out the way you want but hind sight is 20/20.

[CWOL]

The more I think about things, the angrier I become.
For the betrayal for at least 9 years, for my wife to caught, then file for D, for her to blame ME for it, then for her to be rewarded 40+% of my current take home pay (at least temporarily until divorce is finalized). Sure I get a deduction for taxes for the alimony portion, but still...
What incentive is there for her to come back think about reconciling when she can carry on with the OM in her apartment, have my S11 for half the time, and have a big chunk of my paycheck every month?
This is a terrible situation for me, help me understand the logic in this...

[CWOL]

Filling out the state financial disclosure forms for the state made me very depressed. It's good to see how far I've come in 18 years of marriage, but sad to see it's going to broken up and my S11 is going to come from a broken home.
I'm not having fun at all, I don't want to play this game any more!
Plus I had a root canal this morning. Ouch. Didn't know I have to go back again in three weeks. Terrible pain plus hit to the wallet.

[daybyday]

Sorry man. Logic is out the window when it comes to D. Sad state of affairs our world is in.

[broke]

Sorry, CWOL, I agree, none of it is fair. Seems like the cheaters are the ones that come out on top in our situations.

I can totally understand your anger. Sometimes it's easier to be angry than sad.

[CWOL]

Sorry, CWOL, I agree, none of it is fair. Seems like the cheaters are the ones that come out on top in our situations.

I can totally understand your anger. Sometimes it's easier to be angry than sad.

Thanks guys.
I am sad too, but I try to channel my anger to push out my sadness. It's kind of choosing an emotion that is bad instead of a worse emotion.

[1313]

Sorry, CWOL, I agree, none of it is fair. Seems like the cheaters are the ones that come out on top in our situations.

I can totally understand your anger. Sometimes it's easier to be angry than sad.

Sad, but true. Each State seems to have a great way of equity for the wrong people. The "no fault" thing was the beginning of divorce mania, and rewards the wrong people too easily.

In my case - well nevermind. It's as screwy as CWOL's sitch. It's just sick and wrong. I know there's a few states left that adultery is punished to some degree - I feel it should be taken into consideration no matter where you are.

Then there's broke, who doesn't get diddly for years of loyalty and sacrifice. Did the H move her to this other state just to be able to get away with murder? It almost seems like it.

I dunno. I'm still numb after court today. It's weird talking with the L, and she's like "what is it about that dog?" and all I can say is the W's doing everything she can to twist the knife. This is one of the last things she can draw out. In spite of everything she said.

I'm not sure which takes more energy - anger or sadness. Probably anger, because my heart doesn't beat hard when I'm sad.

CWOL, all I can say is the system stinks. They could work something out - but seem to want to have some sort of blanket remedy for everything. A spouse being abused should be able to bail, take their kids and get paid. A spouse who is having an A and files for a D shouldn't get handed half of everything and get the home just for breathing.

I think I'm moving back to sad again. I can't let that happen, because that's what the W would want. Don't you do what your W wants CWOL.

[CWOL]

I think I'm moving back to sad again. I can't let that happen, because that's what the W would want. Don't you do what your W wants CWOL.

Yes, the emotional yoyo is very annoying. When I become sad, I try to focus on the anger, and think about what I found between WW and OM, their email exchanges and how they talked about me. It helps to combat the sadness and make me motivated to be proactive and do things...

Tonight WW is behaving like nothing is wrong in the family, sitting together and joking with us at dinner, watching the TV together and laughing with S11 and me, engaging in conversations. It was like old times again, she was smiling and happy. Everyone again sleeps in their own bed though.

Her L made some weird excuse that she just had surgery and won't get back to my L until week of 3/25. WTF? So WW is staying in the house until then??? Part of me wants her out of here so she won't have that family scene I just described above. The other part of me is terrified at having an empty house. (Although it won't be the first time, I lived in this same house as a bachelor for three years before marrying WW).

I talked with my sister and she is going to help me with various parts of the D and logistics around S11 if I need it. It is good to have family helping, but they don't really understand what you are going through. Everyone is so quick to offer advice but they don't really understand the dynamics of wayward/faithful spouses. But it was good to let her understand how unfair the laws are to the faithful spouse.