Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[ciluzen]

Quoting you,

"Also, like before his actions don't match his words. For example, (and this might seem trivial to you guys) but during reconciliation he would leave my coffee cup, spoon and creamer, and sometimes a love note, on the counter in the morning. I had told him it was those kinds of little things that meant a lot and made me feel loved. Well, he did it this morning, minus the love note. Again, NOT reading anything into this, but its the kind of mixed message he keeps sending. And I mean, why?? Why do that at all?? Guilt? Ok, but why that particular thing that he knows what it means."

Habit? Comfort? Guilt? My H has done things like that as well. Pours me a glass of wine and brings it to me (his LL is AOS), acts like everything is fine. Mixed messages because they have mixed feelings.

"As far as the dang R talks he keeps persuing, I need something that will stop my roll. Any suggestions? I start of really good DBing, validating, listening, eye contact, engaged, then I say to myself 'I'm just gonna say this ONE thing' but clearly I cannot say just ONE thing!! Ugh. I am not getting angry or hostile, but trying to be logical/ reasonable with a very illogical, unreasonable man."

When you find something that works, let me know, ok? I'm awesome until the dam breaks and I have to SAY something. I guess the point is, its all about them right now, so it does no good to say anything that isn't validating. I am reading a book right now, I Don't Want To Talk About It about male depression. Very insightful and helpful in understanding our H's situation. It might help us with the way to approach those convos.

"I know you guys are going to call me out on this, but in my heart, I feel like an S or D is not what he really wants. That he thinks he has the easy part done by telling me its over. But we have not told S15 yet, and he has not packed a bag and walked away from his family. That can't be easy."

I won't call you out on this. My H BD, moved out, and filed all within 6 months. The night I got the papers he admitted that he didn't WANT a D, that he never pictured being D, and had a hard time even saying the word. He wasn't happy, and wouldn't even say he was happier after moving out. Just felt that it was his best chance at happiness down the line . Problem is, if this is MLC (based on depression) or is just plain old male depression, then they will find out that their sadness will not go away with the bandaids they are trying to create. We can't tell them they are depressed (they won't "hear" it) and we can't tell them that they are getting rid of the one person that now understands what is going on and would love them unconditionally. They have to work it out or seek help on their own. Unfortunately, male psyche being what it is, they want to hold it in and carry on. Depression is a "wimpy man's disease" and what man wants to see himself as a wimp? Also, they don't like feeling like a failure, and getting a D is a failure. This adds to the depression. D@mned if you do, d@mned if you don't = MLC. All we can do is be the lighthouse.