Thank you for taking the time to respond to several of my posts, and to take the time to be specific in your advice. Very much appreciated.
Thank you for the suggestion about the book Codependent No More. I've read about 5 chapters so far, and I see many negative traits associated with Codependency that I have and that I certainly want to get rid of, so in the spirit of the program of awareness and acknowledgement.
I am codependent.
I'll look harder at my current relationship - maybe my wife and/or I have crossed that line with our drinking. I do look back at my mother who also resembled many of those codependent traits. I'm the son of an Irish Catholic woman so I though lots of guilt was just a normal way of life. That said, she grew up around a lot of hard people (daughter an Irish pub owner in rough neighborhood), and her best friend's husband of many years was absolutely an alcoholic which ultimately killed him in his late 40's / early 50's. I believe my mom stopped drinking around that time so something changed though I've never gotten the story from her. I too certainly got caught up in my 20s around some chemically dependent folk, and thankful made the escape from those relationships. From this book, it sounds like the author is saying those situations can leave us with many scars, learned or emergent, that we need to deal with independently of getting out of the bad relationships... Both you Sandi, and Cadet, have flagged my reactions as codependent, so I'll take it as face value, and start learning and acting on that advice... Thanks!
A separate thread perhaps, but feels like for WAS if they're like mine who've been "planning" on their escape for years, that those environments of sensing a problem, and having any discussion about it actively shutdown, would lead to and/or continue codependent behavior - based on the little I've read so far about it. At least a vicious cycle happens when the R breaks down such that you can't talk through real problems, you start enabling bad behavior as it smooths over the current argument, you start trying to fix each other because you can't talk about what's wrong, ... nasty...
Having just finished The Five Love Languages, and taking their profile quiz, yes I do respond best to Words of Affirmation, with a not too close 2nd of Physical which I would have though was #1. It resonates, if I'm honest, as in my work life as a people manager I'm quick to give affirmations, and advise others to do the same - "they're quick and cheap ways to acknowledge people". Its my go-to strategy, which correlates with the 5 Love Languages premise that what we are most likely to do to show love is most likely what we want in return.
My WAS seems to be a Quality Time person, and our R started to go bad once our Quality Time reduced - had kids which caused priority time together to go to the bottom of the list. As time past and this lack of expressing love - affirmation and quality time - took its toll on our selves, it just got worse and worse till we get to my BD in Dec where I fully realize she's been wanting out for years; planning her escape and seeing me as this angry person that would just roll over when she said I should just move out as she and the kids don't see or need me... I'm thankful that I've gotten to a spot where I know her assessment of me is not true, and I've improved in a number of areas that have improved my relationships with my kids, and with her, such that they are articulating improvement. Its clear I still have a lot of work to go in terms of seeing my improvements in terms of my wanting it versus needing others to affirm it, so the improvement journey continues with a new set of action plans...
DB Coach Chuck picked up on my reactions to constructive criticisms, which I assume you meant as suggestions provided by others about changes in my behavior versus the more negative criticisms of character ("prefer that your fold the clothes this way" versus "you're such an idiot"). His advice has started to help me to see, and appreciate, the criticism for what they are, and I've been able to get through arguments with my WAS much better, that is without getting defensive and angry, and I feel better about the improvements. Its still hard, though it feels like its becoming a little more habit and helping me separate my sense of self-worth. I can't remember if its from The Art of Listening or a different book, that talks about this as well saying that understanding what our core values are - (simple paraphrase) being supportive of my loved ones versus being "right" in an argument - has helped me take my anger and frustration down several notches in these conversations as I can put them into that framework. E.g. I'm getting criticism about how I did the laundry, and I'm feeling angry about that; does that go against my core values - no; so take a breath and take the comment at face value, and appreciate that they are trying to help you even if its not exactly what you want right then...
I think of the video about "Its not about the Nail" https://youtu.be/XIJYO4u5iug that is over the top in highlighting that sometimes people just want to be *heard* and not have the problem *fixed* no matter how glaring the problem is...
Thanks again for taking the time in your thoughtful and detailed responses. A lot for me to process, and I am already seeing value in your book suggestion in particular. I'll try to act more on that, and keep reporting back about on-going improvements and how they are helping me achieve what I want.
