Sparkling not so bright

[Sparkls]

More journaling:
I don't think I will either. And as much as I talk about doing it, I don't actually plan to. There is a part of me that is still worried that he's gotten this impression that he's not welcome here. Hell, I told him he wasn't welcome here in the letter I left with his stuff on V-day. The week leading up to that I had told him I wanted to work on this, loved him, etc. But I didn't talk to him for 2 days, then left a letter telling him he's hurt me, that I deserve better and that for now, he wasn't welcome in my home.
The more logical part of my brain says that he knows that he can come back if he goes through the right steps. But there's still that nagging voice telling me that he believes I'm done and that is why he's running back to CO.
More useless mind reading. And its pointless to even really think about while he's still off in A land.
I've been doing a lot of reflection about my past over the last few hours. Adding to the sob story that is Spark's life: I had two older brothers who both died when I was 11. Obviously, it pretty much ruined my family. I was depressed and had massive attachment issues throughout my teenage years because I felt like anyone I loved was just going to die on me anyway. And then, when I was 16, I had a friend tell me "Sparks, you know it's very sad your brothers died. But what's worse is that you kind of did too." And for whatever reason, that really stuck with me and was a big turning point in my life. I opened up more and started to live again. Its no coincidence that I first met H the next year. He was my waiter at a restaurant. Took another 2 years before we started dating. But for me, the important thing moving forward is going to be that I don't slip back into this "everyone I love is going to leave me." I feel myself doing it at times. Hopefully knowing its a problem that I face will allow me to avoid the pitfall. But when people say I'll find the man I'm supposed to be with, I just shut down emotionally. Cause frankly, I don't really want another man. I suppose that's why I'm here instead of just moving on . Despite all the flaws and grief and pain he's put me through, its still him I picture as my future.
I'm incredibly grateful for hte people here. There's a few other forums that I've ventured over to and have gotten a lot of "you aren't married, you don't have kids, run!" Its hard to explain but in my mind, we were married. We had discussed it for years and had both decided that we wanted to do it the way we wanted and since neither of us would get help from our parents for a wedding, we were waiting until we had the funds. But when he talked about me to other people he would say "Lets call a spade a spade, she's my wife." I wonder what he says about me now. I still call him my boyfriend. I can't bring myself to call him my ex. Maybe that day will come. I hope not.

Anyway, I"m rambling at this point. Lots of thoughts up in the old noggin this evening.