WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[trumpet]

25yrsmlc,

Thank you for posting and your comments. They made me think! That is always the goal, right?

I do believe in right and wrong, based on Biblical values. Emotional affairs are wrong. My pornography was wrong. I didn't see how much it hurt my wife until I was able to objectively look at my actions, after the fact, from a '100 ft' perspective. I think my W will have the same revelations, after the divorce. Maybe she finds true love with her affair partner - it might happen. Maybe she just exchanges one set of problems for another, which I am inclined to believe.

I understand you wanting to let go of always being right, and of always 'grinding the axe' since hurt and harm was done to you... I did the same initially, but realize always blaming my W 100% isn't correct. It took BOTH of us, and both of us messed up.

I continue to believe that marriage is the right answer. My wife does not. I can't control the D, since we're in a no-fault state. One person can decide to end a marriage. I still love my wife, just it's transforming into a different love. No physical contact, no words expressed, no actions of gratitude... it's a one-way street for my love. I will continue to be kind, but I must be distant, since showering her with love that she doesn't want, and will not reciprocate, only leads to tremendous disappointment.

The fog I was living in has cleared somewhat - I now know that I could love another person, I could make a fantastic husband for someone, and that I can handle the kids on my own. I'd love to have my own place right now - it will come in time.

I got the detailed phone bill a day ago - first time I was able to see how many texts the wife was sending, as well as what the phone numbers she was sending to. I got 20 or so texts. Her 'friend' or really affair partner in Chicago got 1,200 texts last month. Difficult to see that it's just a friend, as she's told others, including our kids.

I set the boundary that I would not live in an open marriage. Thus, my gut told me she was full-on with the guy again. The reconciliation order was a farse, and my W knew it. I started up the divorce not because I believe in it, but because we had a 90 day time table to WORK on the marriage before we BOTH had to tell the court to dissolve the divorce. That was never going to happen with my wife back in love with the OM.

I have come to accept that the marriage will dissolve and die. I have come to accept that I will move on, and most likely find someone else down the road. I still have work on myself to do, and I'm excited about that. I still have hope that someday my wife would want to work on herself to the point that she'd entertain the possibility of remarriage. I also know that I'm not going to wait around for her. I have a life to live, and I have needs and desires that need to be met, if I was to be in a relationship.

I know there are more tears ahead, and my kids will not enjoy the divorce. I keep on thinking what is best for them, as well as for me. My decisions are now based around making sure they know they're loved and cherished.