Someone please help me with a plan of action!

[1313]

rustbkt,
I'm in the 30+ year club as well.
I understand not being able to write your feelings easily but have to ask. In this 18 months you've known this - you say you've been DBing - did you ever try getting a coach? Was she ever open to counseling?

Without knowing the specifics it's hard to say if DBing worked or not. At least with counseling you might have learned something, even if it were all bad.

My WW started an A, and at least at first I'll even buy it was an EA - allowing her to deny any A at all. I could see her logic believing if there was nothing physical, it wouldn't really be an affair. Sort of like what your definition of "is" is. As soon as she filed she told me she was free - and then it was Katy bar the door.

In this 18 months you've had the luxury of time - lots of it. You should have learned something, gotten some sort of movement one way or the other.

Now that you're this close to it all being gone - well just exactly where are you in the D process? Are you still only separated? Who's agreement to sell the home? Lots of questions, so little info.

While I can't tell you what your outlook is - I can tell you mine. I found the W was about to drop the bomb at the same moment I verified the A. I moved out. I thought that was a really bad idea because all communication ended. As it turned out - she had already rented a home! So it wouldn't have made any difference except I'd at least be in my own home. I thought I was still being nice and saving her money. Now I find out she had a secret bank account - which currently has $40k in it, I'd double that figure a year ago.

Anyway, being separate has made sure that nothing I do will be noticed, or I will have no way of knowing if it works. You could be different. Friends might tell you - you could learn different ways.

I got a call yesterday from my L that the W called hers and said to stop the divorce. Do I know what that means? No, this sounds odd. Then I saw he W texted me (I missed it for hours) early in the morning that "I told the lawyer to stop the divorce". I was ecstatic! I was walking on air. Then reality hit - what does this mean? I was cautiously optimistic - but couldn't help but be optimistic.

Then today I get that's not really what she meant - she just wanted to get the lawyers out of it. Because things aren't going her way I am to assume.

How ugly is that?

But you get the gist. No communication leads to even more pain. My W pretended to be nice - and we were friends as always - even though separate bedrooms. But the SECOND I was out that door, she flicked the switch. It was a different person.

All I can think is that's exactly what's going to happen to you. You need to be prepared. If you think it's bad now...

Please, if you can swing it call a DB coach. Even one session. If they can't help you with your M, they can help you prepare for the first steps of the rest of your life.

At my age - I just don't want to do it anymore. I don't see finding love - I don't see another relationship. My entire adult life has been with my W. Everything that's happened to me, what I've done, what I've become was with her. And now it's going to be gone. I feel for you, believe me.

I could pretty much bet there's somebody else, and the bedroom split was the beginning of it. An EA is every bit as bad as a PA, worse IMO. A PA can get old, and there's nothing else there. An EA will only lead to a PA.

I wish I had some good news for you, I really do. Get a coach or a counselor or therapy, and if you can - give us some sort of specifics. There's some truly amazing and empathetic people here. They have great insights. They can help if you give them that chance. But they're not mind readers.