What the heck is this?

[2Times2Many]

Job -- thanks for checking on me.

The IC appt went well. I vented a little more about h making me feel like he thought I was some kind of idiot and would believe anything that comes out of his mouth. I think I've put that behind me but now I find that when I talk to him I don't believe a friggen thing he says. He could tell me the sky is blue and I'd take it with a grain of salt.

IC was also astonished that he apparently does nothing over there. Her question, "How on earth does he fill his time? Surely his friends work? What does he do with himself?" (By the way, she is coming around to the MLC thing even though it isn't a "defined" illness. We talked a good bit about that.)

I told her I had no earthly idea what he did over there, that I don't ask and I don't really want to get sucked into his life there.

She asked if I intended to stay on my current path (regarding not divorcing) and I said yes, but I knew I could change course any time I wanted to.

I talked to h on Friday morning (his Friday evening) and he sounded awful. He moved on Friday and was calling from his new place (with no internet and no tv). He wasn't his usual chirpy self. I think that's a mask anyway. If I contact him when he isn't expecting it (which I avoid doing), he's not at all chirpy. In fact, he's down right unpleasant until he gets his wits about him Anyway, I guess he was just exhausted from moving and that's why he sounded so bad.

I think a lot about whether I want him back in my life. I certainly don't want the man he is today, but I think about how content I am living on my own and wonder how difficult it would be to live with someone again.

We had elderly neighbors when I was young and after he died, I recall the W saying that although she missed her h, she was finally able to enjoy life the way she wanted. Being young at the time, I thought that was a little cold and unloving. But now I get it.

Sometimes I feel like I spent the first 20 years of my life trying to live up to my parents expectations, the next 20 trying to live up to my first h's expectations and the past 20 trying to live up to my current h's expectations. The last 20 with h?? The first 10 were normal give and take. The last 10, not so much - I became pretty much a doormat. This is the first time I've ever had the luxury to be selfish and do what I want. I only lived on my own for about a year and a half before moving in with h and although older, my kids were always in and out. My time now is truly my own.

It's interesting that when h and I first got to know one another, he would say, "I know there's a different 2T in there. One that has been buried." H was a great friend and did wonders in helping me regain my self-esteem and in helping me revitalize my withered personality. I blossomed. I think that's why I fell in love with him.

I feel like, with the exception of my early years with h, I've lost me (repeatedly) ... I lost who I am because I was so busy trying to be what others wanted me to be or trying to please them and make them happy ... at the expense of my own happiness and contentment.

I think that's one of the reasons I get resentful about doing stupid stuff for h, like depositing his checks. Beyond the fact that it makes his fantasy life easier, I want to rebel against trying to please others. It's like the pendulum has swung too far in the opposite direction. So, that's one of the issues I'm working on ... to find the right balance between doing for others but not losing "me" in the process.

All of that makes me believe that this MLC road wasn't for h alone ... it was for both of us. Now, I just have to work on keeping "me" front and center when the MLC monster rears it's ugly head and not do too much backsliding. I'm still baking, but I know I'll get where I want to be.

Okay ... that's enough heavy stuff.

I spent this morning at the hair salon making the grey roots disappear. I had to pass the mall on the way home and for some unknown reason, my car just turned into the mall and parked itself outside Macy's. I hadn't planned on any retail therapy, but obviously my car thought that was called for. My car is so smart!

Tomorrow is a stay home day ... laundry and such. But I only have to go into the office two days this week. My age spot treatments start on Wednesday and I'll have a few days to hide away while I recover from the treatment if I look like I'd scare small children. The first is a peel, then laser treatments after that. One every 4 weeks.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.