WW, My Addiction, Patience, and Hope - III

[25yearsmlc]

Georgia, Mowgli, broke - thank you all. It's been a tough few days.

We had an irate customer tonight, she was super emotionally charged. Was crying, then laughing, then angry... all because she herself didn't commit to a vehicle, and it sold today, before she could buy it.

Much of her behavior was just like my wifes. I felt very sad for her, and stayed calm.

I'm the new sheriff in town, and the salesperson, who is a vet, told me I should go into therapy, as I knew what to do with her, to de-escalate the sitch, and actually produce the option for a sale with her tomorrow.

The wonderful good news here^^ is that you are identifying new found behaviors in yourself, that you welcome. And to that, I say "Bravo". May as well get something good out of all these ordeals and to be clear, that IS a good thing that can come of these tribulations. The folks who work it out within, grow and become better, more loving and more content people.

For those of us who feel this way, I can also say most of the remaining relationships we have, are enhanced and more valued by us. That is no small thing.;

But be vigilant, & beware... I say this from personal experience, that we must beware of false humility and self righteousness that benefits, truly, no one.

So, I have a bit of hope that I've changed.

It seems like it, and hope isn't dangerous IF it's not accompanied by "expectation" which is where we tend to go...and that's what bites us in the rear if we are not careful.

It's my hope that your hope can exist without the next sentence extending into an expectation AND OR a judgement on your wife...which unfortunately it does in the next sentence...

Still have no hope in wife coming around. She is not one to admit that she's wrong, well... ever.

I urge you to reflect on the "value" of this^^ sentence. Is there a point? I'm asking sincerely.

My main concern is that It could keep you stuck in victimhood and blame, which absolutely DEcreases the chance of reconciliation, AND detracts from your own path of growth. Plus I believe the taint of hypocrisy will occur to her.

Don't get me wrong Trump, I hate her behavior.

I hated choices my h made, too. Back then, I completely believed - that my h's choices were wrong and mostly selfish. I can still say that for the most part, I still think that's true.

Which leaves me with this: "so what?"

I mean, so what if my h made some selfish decisions? MUST this belief lead me, inevitably to divorce him b/c he made some lousy mistakes?

Obviously I don't think so. We all have to decide what our limits are.

I learned that making him wrong, even if that was knowable and true, did nothing FOR ME --AND OR our marital situation, except that it made it harder on everyone involved. Seriously, it worsened things to focus on HIS wrongness or on HIS choices. It hurt my kids and made me feel like a victim which led me to other non productive things.

Looking back, I think I must have believed, perhaps at some subconscious level, that being "right" in my marital woes, actually had value. That was a mistake of large proportion and delayed my growth by a solid year.

All that mattered, in reality, was for me to make sound choices motivated SOLELY by the desire to do the loving, healthy thing. NOT "teaching" h a lesson or "winning" the battle, or "showing him the consequences of his bad choices", OR being declared right, etc.

Just consistently trying to do the right thing was literally all that matters and it was always the only thing I could control.

ALL other efforts at changing or judging our spouses are wasted & often destructive

Similarly, those comments about the "wayward spouse", being wrong, but not knowing it, noting that the spouse is "not going to church anymore", (hard not to sound smug) and noting that "now the Spouse is justifying his/her behavior"---well, newsflash, they always justify their behavior - or they wouldn't engage in it--- ETC

These^^ comments and criticisms are really just more attempts at controlling or changing our spouses.

However, In fact, our spiritual and emotional paths involve zero judgement of our spouses.
food for thought and NOT meant to blame you. Just wanting to keep you on track on your own path.

This must & will get better.

I think there are a couple condos up the street that look interesting. Anyone have a condo here? If so, will a condo association let me turn a 2 bedroom into a 3 bedroom?

This is totally dependent on the specific condo association. Just as their dues vary, so do their rules.