I Still Think It's Too Late (pt 2)

[1313]

You know what's weird (I know, none of what they say, half of what they do) is that she says that the L's are delaying things for their own benefit, and that things could happen faster and be resolved in a better way by doing something different.

Huh?

I mean, 2 months and we had our first court date. Resolution could be had in another month or less. Dissolution in 6 months from start to finish.

That seems pretty fast to me. Too fast.

I think she saw an end to the knife twisting?

[Vanilla]

Sit on the files until Tuesday.

Observe, detach.

Smile a half secret smile as if you understand.

Then go scratch your head.

If you want D then file, if not then her monkeys.

V

[1313]

Thanks V.
You know what's crazy is that I've not done a thing. I've filed the standard paperwork. She's the one that came out with her response document making crazy and hurtful claims against me. I haven't even responded to that.

So getting her email this morning saying she really meant something totally different than "stop the divorce", asking to stop all the misunderstanding and torment... I mean, huh? It sounds like there's a battle going on in her head. I think I want to stay away from that.

Like I said - I'm fine not moving forward to a court date on Tuesday - but at the same time I'm going to use this time not only for reconciliation work (practice my DBing), but also to get ducks in a row if things begin to move forward in court again.

She had a head start on me going back months, and I'd be crazy to not continue making sure I protect myself and my assets.

I think I was right though - this friend had a chat with her, and they discussed several options. For a moment, the W changed her mind but an evening with the OM got her back in her fantasy again. She wants to move forward, but somehow feels she'll be taking a higher road if she goes with some mediation process.
Unfortunately for her, she already showed me all of her cards.

[TimR]

Wow I feel so bad 1313. I actually feel let down and angry myself with your WW. How crazy is that, I really am emotionally invested with all the friends I made here. Trying to figure out what the precipitated the twists and turns is too mind reading and speculation. I will say maybe her attorney had a 'come to Jesus moment' with her telling her she was not going to get everything she wanted and that is the sudden change of heart. I am just sorry for you cause I can just imagine how excited you were and how that must have ripped your heart out.

[1313]

Tim, yeah you pegged it. As I mentioned way above, I was suspicious and trying not to be excited - but the very way she worded it "stop the divorce", well it's kind of hard do read vagaries into that. But that's just what it was.

I could try to figure out what was behind it, if she changed her mind yet again or just what. To try to blame the lawyers - saying it's to their advantage to prolong the process, or that we've both done things to make matters worth is - well I don't know what to call it.

Regardless, here I am where I was 2 days ago. Except maybe buying some time - completely the opposite of what she's saying. This thing was pretty close to being over from what I could see. We were about to submit our docs to the court, and agree on division.

Maybe you're completely right, her L told her the facts as presented. Is she afraid of not getting everything she wants? Does she think mediation is going to get her these things? Like I said, by showing me what she wanted and how she felt I'm too leery to go down the pathway of working things out like that now.

I've only been on defensive, and she has not seen or heard anything from me regarding any of this other than my email denying her accusations and her trying to turn the tables on me.

To say "stop the divorce", but really mean "continue the divorce, just a different way" are 2 different things. She could have told the lawyer that - pretty easily in fact. Something like "I want to try a mediator". 6 words, pretty easy stuff.

If I get a chance to talk to her parents at Church tomorrow (I've sort of avoided it), I'm going to let them know about this development. I've not told them about all the accusations she made, nor her identity theft. But perhaps if she had a moment of weakness and considered reconciliation, they might convince her to at least consider it.

Buying time will at the very least allow me what the rest of you guys here have had - the ability to even practice DBing. The WW might get a chance to see me GAL, detaching, doing 180's, etc. Even this is an answer to my prayers - so I'm not going to push it. It's something even if it's a sick roundabout way of getting it.

I'm going dark again - I won't answer her at all. This doesn't warrant that. She'll get what she wants no matter what I answer. She wants to see the bug twitch, and I'm not going to give her that satisfaction.

I'm going to go hop on my bike and blow off some steam. Thanks for everything Tim, broke, V, Phoebe, Painter, NYGal, CWOL, Uphill, Painter, Sparkls, Sandi and Thornton! What a weird couple of days.

[1313]

Ugh. My subconscious has been repressing I guess. I was in the market standing in line and looked at the magazine racks with all the tabloids etc. I scanned over and saw some greeting cards from one of my favorite companies (they do arty stuff), and just started sobbing.

Some poor gal with her baby in a harness in front of me seemed a little uncomfortable for good reason.

Tomorrow is the 35th anniversary of my first date with the W. I would have bought one of these very cards for her. I pulled myself together quickly, but it's going to be hard tomorrow.

[Sparkls]

Post here frequently! We'll all here for ya (and I have nothing planned besides a bath for the pups).

Try not to read into what she's saying. Take it as slightly good news that at least for now, the D is in a sort of limbo. She may be struggling. She may not want to come outright and say she's having doubts. We can't know. Not mind readers and whatnot.

Just take it one day at a time.

And because I'm trying to be more optimistic: remember, even if it does go through, that doesn't mean its the end. Its only the end when you say so!

[trumpet]

1313,

Thanks for sharing the blow-by-blow. It's tough to take. My sitch involved my W filing the D, then not serving me for 2 weeks, then serving me, then filing a reconciliation order 3 days later, then my having to restart the D due to wife back with OM and not working on any reconciliation. I still don't want divorce, but with the W not stopping, and from what it sounds like, you're in the same camp.

Detach, relax, and realize you're experiencing some of the most intense, uncomfortable feelings you've ever felt in your life. When someone dies, you have grief, but it's an end of a life. Your long marriage is bouncing around like a ping-pong ball, and so are your emotions. They're temporary, your beliefs are not. Zues is one that helped me with that on this board, as did Sandi.

Somehow, someway, see the sitch from the 100 ft. point of view, and realize that your wife could waffle back and forth for months, if not years. The courts, though, are on a clock, and that clock is ticking. Her full shame/guilt/regret might not hit for months, if not YEARS after the dust settles. MLC's take years, not months, as a general rule. I think you need to feel like your life is a ship that has tacked, and a different course has been charted. W's ship can tack back and follow you, but for now, you have to feel like you are captain of your own ship, with no connection to W's ship. Man up in the sense that you have YOUR feelings and emotions, and don't react to your wife's feelings and emotions. That's tough, I know. But if she's coo-coo for cocoa puffs right now, her feelings betray her (just like Luke Skywalker). My W's ship has set a very different course than my ship is now taking, and it would take some extra sails for her to catch up with me. She could, if she wanted to. But my ship is sailing straight and true, and I'm now enjoying the ride, after a hell of a beating by the waves at first. Trust the compass, trust your ship, and set course.

[TimR]

1313

Yeah time can be a blessing and a curse. A curse because your emotions will continue their ups and downs, twists and turns, and you will be stuck in purgatory even longer. A blessing because you are correct you get the time to work more on your M, by DB.

I am sure you can expect a lot more from the script from her during this additional time. More insults, more back stabbing, more attacks. You just have to stay strong and do your best detachment during all these times.

[- MB -]

1313, I am so sorry that you are hurting so much right now. And, I'm sorry that it seems your W is playing with your emotions by asking to stop the D, but not really. Not sure what her origional intention was, but either way it ended up with you getting hopeful and then being let down. It's just so cruel. Either way, I am glad that you got at least a temporary reprieve from the D. Hopefully it will last long enough for you to get to DB for a while. Hopefully your wife will wake up and realize what she's doing sooner rather than later. Post often and lean on everyone here when you need to. I have noticed that things tend to move at a turtle's pace in the fog rather than the lightning speed we would prefer. So, take a deep breath and hold on because this could be a long and bumpy ride.