Thanks Sandi2. I've read this before and I get something more when I read it again. Some parts are very hard to read and digest. I will strive to make detachment happen.
What's hard is my thinking it has to be one way or the other. I have these types of thoughts all day long. i.e. "if you don't want to be married to me - get out" or "If your new life is going to be so great why don't you start it and let the rest of us go on..."
Walking the line between "grace and justice" is very hard.
I would love a "playbook" saying this is when to be "detached" this is when to show "love".
I would really love to hear from people who have instituted DB and DR strategies that have worked and got their marriage back. Is there form for that?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
"She felt that I tried to control her whenever we disagreed."
"Which is not how I saw it. "
See rather than accepting that that was her perception of the situation, you CHOSE to not see it that way because you saw differently. She has a right to her opinion just as you do yours even though you don't agree with it. Stop trying to get her to see things your way.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sparkls, I'm wondering if you wouldn't mind checking out my last post on my own thread. (brand new here) I would dearly appreciate a hint or two on how to control myself better on this front.
I don't want to hijack this thread. Sorry to interrupt, bigybiz.
Sandi, thank you for posting the detachment info. It's really good and I needed to see it again.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Phoebe: Please hijack away. I learn lots from what others have said and or going through. Feel free to share. Yes, I will check out your posts too.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Thanks for your post. Sorry I guess I was not clear enough. I was trying to portray what happened in the past. Now for me things are changing. I realize (too late obviously) that because we did not have good communication skills the my way/her way did not allow us to find compromises and/or lovingly "let go" so to support the other.
Now - we are separated - She truly is a WAW and is consumed in something as damaging as an affair.
So now I realize what has happened and I've been making changes. I know that the changes will benefit me and there is a small chance she will see some benefit to her as well.
I do totally realize that by stopping bad behaviors and learning some new good behaviors will this or other relationships flourish.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
My coaching is over and I need some help. As part of GAL I need to start planning what's next for my kids, etc. The coach said don't talk about the future. Her in action shows confusion.
So what do I do? How do I start planning for my kids summer, etc. How do I plan anything financial? My eldest said she might move back in once by WAW moves out?
I would prefer they both move in (my eldest moved out because of the tension at home).
Any ideas on how to handle the every day events of life that take place - but have always been planned by us? Without triggering some kind of negative action on her part?
Thanks in advance.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Any ideas on how to handle the every day events of life that take place - but have always been planned by us? Without triggering some kind of negative action on her part?
Why are you concerned about her reactions to what you do?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My coaching is over and I need some help. As part of GAL I need to start planning what's next for my kids, etc. The coach said don't talk about the future. Her in action shows confusion.
So what do I do? How do I start planning for my kids summer, etc. How do I plan anything financial? My eldest said she might move back in once by WAW moves out?
I would prefer they both move in (my eldest moved out because of the tension at home).
Any ideas on how to handle the every day events of life that take place - but have always been planned by us? Without triggering some kind of negative action on her part?
Thanks in advance.
Your marriage/family are your team. You plan your team's events as a team. She has said she doesn't want to be part of that team anymore. As part of your 180/detaching/GAL, you go on with your life and you plan the events for your team with your team. That means you and the kiddos plan your summer and don't include her in the discussion. You see, when you announce that you want to walk away you don't get to have your cake and eat it too. She wants out, fine, she's out. That means out of everything, not just what she wants out of. She doesn't get to unilaterally decide the terms of her wanting out.
