Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[melweb]

So-- just came back from a great GAL thing. Went to a little restaurant/ bar to have a drink amd listen to music by myself . H said "that was quick, did I have a good time?" I said yes. Told him I had a beer, but it wasn't the music I liked. Then he comes up to my room , and says " do you want another beer?" I say sure.
He sits kinda far away from me, but we talk about his day. He is very very stressed about work. Like "fight or flight" kind of stressed which has happened to him before. I ask if wants to move ( back to state we just came from), he says no, and that won't fix us. I ask "what will?" He says "nothing- he's done( or dead, I can't remember). I say "its hard to fix an M with 3 people. He says "what do you mean?" I give him some of the info I know. I am calm, cool, collected. I do not cry. He admits to affair. She is married with 3 kids. Lives 3 hours away. He is leaving in June( we cannot financially do anything before) , he will do his own laundry and meals in the meantime. And he walks out of my room

I am surprisingly ok at the moment. I mean, I already knew.

I guess I don't know what to do now. This A is not a deal breaker for me, but definitely new territory. How do I DB now? Are there new "rules?"

Ugghhh. Help

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, well it is good he has at least admitted the PA and it is good that you managed to remain so calm. It sounds like the A is a bit of non-starter....M with 3 kids and 3 hours away?? Presumably her H is unaware at this point? All sounds like a volatile situation and who knows how things will play out.

For you, I would re-read MWD's info on last resort technique as I think this is the approach you need to be taking at this point.

If he is active in an A, the infatuation hormones are likely to be running high and he is likely to be 'out' of the M for some time. I think the best thing you can do is step back and let things run their course with the A. I would consider your own boundaries here and strongly maintain them.

For me, I told my H - while there is an ongoing R with OW, there will be no R with me. I suggest you stop with any kind of R talks at this point. If he chooses to end things with OW, then there could be some R talk again. Also, if you haven't done so already, I would start taking due steps to protect your interests in the event that he does leave in June.

I'm sorry all this is happening and I hope he wakes up, but if he is in MLC it tends to take a good while, so it is best to let him go for now. Time will tell and it will be best spent focusing on you, whilst he pursues this (frankly doomed from the start) R with OW.

Take care, you're doing really well under tough circumstances xx

[melweb]

Thanks Sotto for the supprt. Ya know, I was just going to let this A die a very natural death. As you say, its a non starter and doomed from the start. But I just felt he needed to know that I knew. I knew he was not going to end A just because I outed it.. He clearly wants out of this M. I do not know if her H knows. Actually, I asked that, and he said "why, are you going to tell him?" I just said maybe.

I am already employing LRT. So I will continue that route. Should I let him do his own laundry and meals, as it was his suggestion? Part of me says yes, its a consequence, but part of me says no, be the bigger person. Idk

Surprisingly, I am ok. I cannot even cry at the moment. Shock?

[ciluzen]

Hi Melweb. Sending you some (((hugs))).

It could be a little shock and a little bit that you had already played the confrontation scene in your head enough that, on some level, you had accepted it as a reality already.

Its interesting looking back on it, but before my H BDed, he had started doing his own laundry and sleeping downstairs. Its almost like they see that (and cooking) as a primary function that we do for them, so taking that responsibility away from us both is a way of asserting their independence and is a statement that they don't need us.

Funny thing is, I now know that in a healthy relationship, you DON'T need the other person. You simply WANT to be with them because you CHOOSE to be with them. NEEDS will change or be fulfilled and be done with. You were chosen by H at some point.
Remember that. MLC causes him to question everything in his life including the R with you. I guess this is why we focus on us...try to get our lives back to when WE didn't think we needed our H. Then the hope is that we find the strength to either wait out their MLC or realization that they still want us, or the strength and peace to move on even though we want them.

I believe that you granting him his wish to do his is own laundry and meals is a consequence to his actions, but also falls into the realm of you being the bigger person because you are not fighting his request.

[melweb]

H comes into my bedroom this morning to talk. How am I suppose to avoid R talks, if he keeps bringing it up? Anyhow, I can 't remember the whole conversation, but basically, he is done. Its over. Has been for awhile. It hurt him to see how much I cared and how commited I was to saving the M. He cries.

I am calm, and rational and NOT crying. . He wants me not to say anything to her H cuz she has three young girls. Her marriage was miserable and shes been trying to get out of her M too. He wants to know what I expect from him til June when he leaves. I say if I could kick you out now I would, but I ask for consideration . He agrees. Says he still loves me.

Then he askes me how work is going. Do I like it? ( i just started). He asks if I still want to go to Mexico with him in April? I really do,( call me crazy) but tell him I need to think about it and get back to him. Several of his close friends who know of A will be there and I might be embarrassed. Any thoughts? Should I do this trip or not?

[job]

If he brings up R talks, you can listen, be honest w/him if he asks your opinions, etc. If you don't want to discuss the relationship, you can always tell him "I don't feel up to discussing this w/you right now. We can talk later on if you still feel the need to discuss it." Or...you can change the subject on him. However, you do not need to listen over and over again about how he is done. What I see is that he is trying to not only convince himself it is over, but also to convince you as well. It's his mantra.

Well, how big of him for not wanting you to tell her H. The rescuer wants to protect her from being outed. Her H is going to find out about the affair one way or another. Funny how her marriage is miserable and he is trying to save her from her H. I wonder if her H feels the same way, i.e., that the marriage is miserable? Time will tell on how this unfolds in that household.

As for the conversation about how work is going? He's trying to be a buddy to show interest in you in the hopes that by acting this way, you will not make demands on him or tell the H about his W. As for going to Mexico, that's up to you...but if you go, use protection, or get a separate room. I noticed he mentioned that you might now want to go in case you are embarrassed about the people knowing about the affair. Funny, how he is now concerned about how you would feel around others. He should be the one that is embarrassed about his behavior, not you.

Gosh, I'd love to throttle your H for you. Talk about a manipulator...he's a smooth operator in playing up being your buddy in the hopes that you don't get angry enough and not out him and the ow.

[melweb]

Thanks for the hugs Cil. I needed that. I could use a real one, but all family and friends are thousands miles away. I think you're right tho. I had already accepted it as reality. Funny thing, that 'womans intuition.' I am undecided about laundry at the moment. As for meals, I will cook and if he wants what I made, he is welcome to join. If not, he knows where the kitchen is.

Job-- man, I wish you could throttle my H. Hard and heavy with a 2x4. He is practicing such douchebaggery right now!! I have no intention of telling her H. Not my style and I have enough of my own problems. I am fairly certain this A is a ticking time bomb. Just gonna let it go off by itself. ( tho I have read both camps of exposing A, and do see some merits in exposing it her H) .

I am not sure why the BFF thing he is pulling right now. I know he is confused. He said he was during our 6 week reconciliation. And why he even WANTS me to stiil go to Mexico with him. Do you find that odd? And I am the one who said I would be embarrassed as all his close friends know. He replied they would know we are "separating."( H uses this word a lot, rather than 'divorce', which he said in the past he doesn't want. But that was before he admitted A) Hmmmm. I don't know what to do. I am trying not to mind read, speculate, or anything else, but if I wanted out of M and was currently in an A, not sure I'd want to go on a vacation with my H. And would you want AP to know you are off on said vacation with spouse??

Honestly, not sure if I am embarassed at all. HE is the one in A. HE is the one not trying to save M and walking out on his family.

Thanks guys for all the support. I am heading to the gym right now.

[job]

He's definitely confused and I think he wants to keep his options open, i.e., you would become Plan B if things didn't work out w/the ow. Also, they like to play nice so that you don't rock the boat and make demands on them.

I just love that word "separating". They all think that you can still be the best of buds when you separate and more so after divorce. They can't, in their little pea brains, wrap around the concept of what those two words mean. It doesn't mean that you will be there waiting for him to come home and continue to do the wifely things for him. It means that you are going on w/your life and they don't want to accept that we will not look at whatever relationship after the separation and/or divorce will be different. They tend to forget when this happens that they fired us from being their spouses and doing things for them.

Right now, he feels confident that you will not rock his boat on anything. He's counting on you to a great friend who does rat him out and also be there when the ow can't be there for him. He still wants to put up the appearance that everything is okay w/you and that you are okay w/what he's doing.

Me, personally? As much as I would want to go to Mexico, I wouldn't go w/him at this time, or if I did, I would want a separate hotel room and do my own thing. I wouldn't want to play second fiddle and help him keep up appearances to his friends that you are cool w/his behavior. But, again, that's me.

[melweb]

I hear what you're saying about Mexico, job. And I am leaning that way. Wouldn't I look like some sad sap of a desperate housewife that goes on vacation to Mexico with her H who is an affair that she and everyone else knows about? What a loser that melweb is.

Then there is a part of me that says "don't let AP win." What sort of message does H send to her when he still goes to Mexico with his wife? Won't that just burn her butt??

I am definitely NOT ok with what hes doing, nor do I want to be Plan B, but I still want to save this M. Should I rock boat?

[Sotto]

Yes, I lean towards not going to Mexice - though of course it's up to you. My problem with is is - why play 'happy partners' (ie: going on a trip together) while he is conducting a R outside of your M. I would certainly rock the boat on that one - and organise a nice trip for myself elsewhere. He can explain that to his friends.

As for OW's H. That's a tough one. I didn't know the guy in my sitch and he was abroad. However, the dynamic was similar. H told me OW was unhappy with the guy and he was controlling and a bit crazy. However, she had recently moved continents to join him, so was he really that bad?? There was a definite 'rescuing' theme there too.

I tend towards taking the higher road. OW is beneath your notice. She is your H's problem. That is his life, not yours. And while he is in a R with her, there will be no R with you. That's the road I have taken and I haven't regretted not engaging with OW at all. I did know her a little as she worked with H and had met me at a function before the A began.

Anyway, hope all of this helps a little and good luck xx