Job- thank you. It took me a long time in my life to realize I was worth the whole enchilada. I went through the phase of asking myself what is wrong with me, why aren't I worth it to him? I have realized I am worth it to me, and I cannot let his decision define my self worth. D8 is doing good, she is still as sassy as ever, but overall a happy kid, doing well in school and enjoying life. I do have to put us first, and a part of my decision not to accept any less than what I asked for was for us. If things didn't work out with him all in, that would have been ok. If things didn't work out and we all got closer but he wasn't in it, I wouldn't be ok with that.
Cadet- sticking to my boundaries is proving to be difficult, but I am doing it. Mindreading, but from what he says it seems like he wants to be with me, but has this other part tugging at him mind he has to do his own thing for a while. It wouldn't be something I want him to regret not doing down the road.
Sunny- leading up to this, I was doing exactly what you were doing, taking what he was giving but I saw it as a relaxing and seeing how it develops. Things were good, I was really enjoying myself. But the more I enjoyed myself, the more I wanted to bring him into my life as well I was brought into his. I loved being a part of his, and I wanted him to be a part of mine. I wanted effort and I wanted to feel like I was worth it. When that wasn't happening, I became unsettled. I do believe you will know when that will happe for you. It's a feeling you really can't ignore.
Bets- I feel so emotionally unhealthy right now with all the crying, lol. But I know what I did was the the emotionally healthy thing. And perhaps what he did was the emotionally healthy thing for him where he is at in his life. It sure is hard to be a single parent working full time and incorporating some time for the gym. I've done ok, until my school started. My dad IS great. I would like for the day to come in his life where he stops worrying about me so much. He wants my life settled as much as I do.
It's weird being in a place where I know what I want. I missed out on the other things I wanted, like maybe getting married again and having another child. That ship has sailed for me. I'll be 36 in June and no, I do not want to start all over with a newborn at 40. But really what I want is simple. A life with a guy who I connect with well, enjoy spending time with, and just do the mundane things in life with together. I had that for a brief period, and it was honestly magical. Better than anything I could have imagined.
As far as my cousin, our dinenr went fine, it was nice to see the cousins play again. They had a ball. We didn't get to deep, she did ask what happened with NG, I told the story. I am good not rehashing our childhood and our relationship and just spending some time together. I just don't feel the need to get so close and personal. She does because she doesn't have many close friends, just one who lives like 2 hours away.
We shall see how things go. Just taking them day by day now. Beautiful day here. I actually got the house clean this morning and D8's friend is coming over for a playdate. I've got schoolwork to do, and they play nicely and let me work. Thing I'm going to grill some lunch for all of us.
Thank you all for reading and responding. I'm glad I posted, it helped a lot.
