Lol - the awkward hug is the perfect analogy for our phone call this morning! I was trying not to be too chatty, to validate, DB, be light and breezy, while trying to end the conversation first and just be civil. There was the occasional empty pause (that I jumped in to fill, of course!). So, I definitely have some work to do in this area….
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
At least he is the one initiating and progressing with contact. Friend zone is a hard one, I look at it two ways and that is how can you reunite without being friends first but not get stuck as being just a friend. I just don't know. But know we are always here for you!
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
The nerve of them to want to be friends. Like they are throwing us a bone or something. Friends with someone who broke our hearts? Naaah. I want a friend who is there for me in hard times, not someone who bails when its rough. Let me have your "friend" resume so I can wad it up and sink it for two points.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
Thanks for being there - I don't know what I would do without this forum. I do know that I wouldn't have been able to stick to DB'ing without all the help and support!
Unlike your W, Tim, my H hasn't really been angry during all of this drama (except when I told the OW's H - that made him mad - filed for D and bought house shortly thereafter). He has been saying since the beginning that he wanted to "be better friends than we ever had before". One of the reasons he said he wanted a D was because we weren't really friends. I told him exactly what daybyday said "I have plenty of friends that don't bail on me when things get rough". So, I don't necessarily think this initiating of contact is anything more than him wanting to be friends. But, I just want to be civil coparents. Also, he told me that he was being nice to me back in the Fall because he wanted to use collaborative divorce, so I am pretty suspicious of this new contact. Maybe he wants to offer me a settlement or something. I don't really trust him…..not sure if I ever will trust him again come to think of it.
Last text was an hour ago (he is on 8-hour car ride to golf with S15, so he may be bored):
H: R u and S12 going to bball game? Did you sell your tickets?
Me: Headed to watch now with friend (S12 had 2 tests at school). Yes, I sold other tickets.
H: Bummer. Enjoy
By the way, I am not going out to watch, sitting here on my couch cheering on my team. But he doesn't have to know that :-).
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
By the way, I am not going out to watch, sitting here on my couch cheering on my team. But he doesn't have to know that :-).
He does not lol! You go girl.
My H said the same, about wanting an easy "no lawyers" divorce and to be best friends after this because we never were friends. No lol NOOOOO. They are crazy.
Hope you had a good night broke. S does not need updates on what your doing with your life. Keep it up.
As for the friends thing. I see it like this. If I had a friend that hurt and treated me the way S did/does. Would I be friends with them? Ummmm no. Wanting to be friends is their way of either stringing you along or making themselves feel better about what they are doing.
I am happy for the board too, I'm pretty sure the board is happy to have you as well
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Wanting to be friends is their way of either stringing you along or making themselves feel better about what they are doing.
Tyler - you nailed it….and neither reason works for me. I am sorry I don't want to be your friend because you are throwing me a bone out of pity (as daybyday so eloquently put it) or because I am your Plan B.
However, I don't think that H is stringing me along. Or, at least, he doesn't think so because he has repeatedly told me not to have "false" hope and that we were headed for D - even from the start of this fiasco. I think it has been his intention from the very beginning that we are going to be BFF's based on emails and conversations we have had throughout the last 8 months. He went so far as to say we could have breakfasts together with the kids, etc, before we took them to school….
He's living in a dream world though because I have no intention of being anything other than H/W or civil co-parents. I have plenty of friends that would never treat me the way that he did. I just have to make sure my actions are within my boundaries and that those actions are getting my point across….
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
When he suggests these things have you told him your boundaries? Maybe, "I don't want you to get any false hope that we are going to be friends...." IMO, being civil coparents is one thing but being BFFs is another and that is your H's cake eating. A vet could chime in on this but I don't see saying something (not in a hostile or cold tone) about what your boundaries are being a bad thing. You should write out your boundaries and the consequences to have a better guide to stick to.
I hope you have a great day Broke. I am going for a run after I drop S off. Hopefully that will keep me from getting sad in the afterward.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
He hasn't mentioned being friends in a long time - we don't talk about our M or R. When he did say it back in the Fall, I told him absolutely not. That I had no desire to be his friend - civil coparents, yes, friends, not happening.
I do have boundaries written out and I feel like I stick to them for the most part. But, like Red, sometimes I think I make small blunders because we have to talk about the kids. I never initiate a text or email now unless I absolutely have to, I respond very civilly and short to his texts (try to validate if necessary) and I try to end all conversations first. But I am a people pleaser by trait, so sometimes I fill in lulls in the conversations and I need to stop that.
It is just tricky I guess because we haven't been civil since around Thanksgiving. So, the past 5 weeks of civility is new and I just don't know if it crosses the line to "friends". I don't think so because I don't want to be his friend and I am trying to show that with my actions. However, does he think we are friends because I am being civil, which is a huge change from my raging anger in December and January…..just tough to know what he is thinking, which is mind reading anyway.
So, I guess I just have to reread my boundaries, reread any communication we are having and make sure that I am comfortable with what I am doing. I have to remind myself I can only control myself and my actions.
Have "fun" on your run - I know how much you love to do it, but great idea to GAL to avoid the sadness of dropping off S13. I am so glad you got to spend that time with him. You two needed it!
S12 and I are headed to bball games today. Very disappointed our fav team lost in first round, but thought it would be fun anyway. Looking forward to spending one-on-one time with him. He is a sports nut!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
That sounds like a good idea to evaluate how you are doing. I go through WW texts to see how I am doing to. Also to see what I say that seems to trigger her anger. They were certainly right when they say this will be a lot of work.
Have fun at the ball game. I agree one on one time is great. I just wish I could get some one on one time with S16 but who knows he may come around. Another thing I cannot control so I need to just focus on S13 and enjoy our time.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
