Sparkling not so bright

[Sparkls]

That's what I did. Just sent "Ok." (Well first I sent "I don't believe i have those here, he clarified where the would be and I sent OK")

[Sparkls]

Journaling:
Hey, despite everything, I wasn't as upset about all the texting. I dunno, there's a sense of numbness that has started to set in. Maybe that's a byproduct of feeling more and more hopeless, I dunno.

It would be nice to get a good group chat with people who know what we're all going through.
I haven't scheduled another IC appointment as the last one was largely unhelpful. But he's pretty good about getting me in in the same week if I need it. It's free through the school is the advantage. But I dunno.

Trying to find some hope in the situation. I know I"m still not ready to give up on the R. But it just seems like there's such an insurmountable obsticle and I can put in all the work I want but there's gotta be someone waiting for me along the path. And then I go back and re-read the wayward fog stuff and it's just so spot on to what's been going on. Read an article that had a line saying affairs were trying to fix an inside problem with an outside thing.
And another article that points out that if we don't actively try to avoid it, we end up repeating the mistakes of our parents and that's exactly what H is doing. And I can't stop him. I can't talk sense into him. I can't make him take a long hard look in the mirror.

One positive today is that its always nice to hear from his family that they think he's making a huge mistake.
Friends came over and we watched stupid movies (bring it on). I think H came and got his sh*t out of hte mailbox at some point but I haven't looked.

[Thornton]

That's interesting, Sparks.

If it's true that we follow in our parents footsteps, then my R with W is screwed.

W's father cheated on her mother and then she had a revenge affair. They divorced and W's mother (whom she is abnormally close to) has had a string of bad relationships and is now permanently single because she hates men.

Ironically, my parents are still together after 40 years. Maybe that's why I don't give up on relationships.

[Sparkls]

The key point is that there is choice in the statement. We can actively chose to not become our parents.
My parents divorced after 25 unhappy years (mom was never faithful to my dad their entire marriage).
H's dad abandoned his family, mom never really dated a guy again.
H has always been *terrified* of becoming his father. So it's ironic that he's now become him. I think that's going to be his ah-hah moment, when he realizes he is his dad. And he'll either decide to continue that way or he'll realize he wants more than that. He's had long talks with his aunt and uncle about being scared of that, that's why I told them about what happened in the hopes that they could be like "Hey H, you know how you were so scared of becoming your dad? You're him." But then the cousin got into the truck accident and was in the hospital and they've just been wrapped up in their own live (rightly so).

Again, or maybe I'm delusional and this is the real H. I mean, he's never been faithful to a single girlfriend.

I just keep replaying this moment where he tried to tell me this wasn't about him leaving me for OW, it was just him leaving me. And I know I shouldn't believe what he said but I can't get it off replay. I've been trying to repress all the "Why" questions since I know I'll likely never get real answers. Why didn't you just talk to me. Why did you decide it was OK to have an affair for 9 f*cking months. Why can't you see what a stupid decision you're making? Everyone else can see it, why are you so blind? And why do I still want to be with this person after *everything* he's done to me. After I showed him loyalty when most people would've walked away and now he's just turning his back and running away when things get rough. Is that really the guy I want to have a family with? But when I think about him not being the dad to my kids, when I think about growing old with someone else, I have a mini panic attack. He's all I've wanted for 10 years. He's still all I want. What does that say about me....

[Phoebe]

It says you love him, pure and simple. The ability to love is humankind's most important quality, and it doesn't diminish you in any way that you love another person fully.

I feel the exact same way about my H of 25 years as you do about yours. He's all I want or have ever wanted, and I struggle to envision a life without him in it.

I want to grow old with him, but the crummy reality is that we can't make someone else want us. We have to practice loving detachment for our own preservation.

[Phoebe]

Certainly that's easier said than done.

[TimR]

I am in for the group chat sparkls.

[Sparkls]

We'll have to figure out a way for that to happen then!

I'm off to make some pottery with friends. But it's been a rough morning. Couldnt sleep past 6. Brain just immediately turned on and was all about H and feeling so hopeless in the situation. Part of me (a large part that I didn't listen to) wanted to leave a note with his forms saying please don't move back to CO.
He never came and got them last night. So weird. I wonder if him asking me to do sh*t like that is his ass backwards way of temp checking or something. Who even knows. Certainly not me.

Check in later! Enjoy the day everyone, I think a lot of you have fun things planned!

[Sparkls]

Well, its been an interesting day.
Went and painted some pottery at COlor Me Mine with my friends. It was both a lot of fun and something H would *never* do, so that was kind of nice.

Despite that though I found myself having waves of feeling overwhelmed with the idea of him never coming back. I just want so desperately to tell him not to move back to Colorado. To tell him to come home and we can move forward.
I just have a very hard time seeing a future where he comes back. As much as I want it, he's not talking to me. He's planning to move away. He won't even look at me or see me to pick up his mail. How am I supposed to work with that?
If you go by the DB rules, I'm doing what I"m supposed to but who knows if that's ever going to be enough.

Things I'm working on personally:
Not being so judgemental
Trying to see the positive side of things (really struggling here since I feel like all of the positives are stained by the negatives)
Trying to have a little more hope and a little faith that things will come together (also struggling here).

Not doing too great on those....tbh.
More mutual friends have been checking in on me to see how I"m doing. And all of them have expressed that they think he's being an idiot.
Trying to be optimistic....

[Thornton]

I'm with you, Sparks. I haven't seen W in almost 2 months.

It's ok to feel sad, this sux. Keep creating new experiences without H, you'll slowly drop the rope.

I really do not think you will get the response you want if you were to talk to H about coming home. He needs to make that decision without any influence from you. You wouldn't want him back to pity you, right?

You want him to come home on his home. And if he doesn't, you are better off anyway to meet the man you are supposed to be with.