Sparkling not so bright

[Sparkls]

The key point is that there is choice in the statement. We can actively chose to not become our parents.
My parents divorced after 25 unhappy years (mom was never faithful to my dad their entire marriage).
H's dad abandoned his family, mom never really dated a guy again.
H has always been *terrified* of becoming his father. So it's ironic that he's now become him. I think that's going to be his ah-hah moment, when he realizes he is his dad. And he'll either decide to continue that way or he'll realize he wants more than that. He's had long talks with his aunt and uncle about being scared of that, that's why I told them about what happened in the hopes that they could be like "Hey H, you know how you were so scared of becoming your dad? You're him." But then the cousin got into the truck accident and was in the hospital and they've just been wrapped up in their own live (rightly so).

Again, or maybe I'm delusional and this is the real H. I mean, he's never been faithful to a single girlfriend.

I just keep replaying this moment where he tried to tell me this wasn't about him leaving me for OW, it was just him leaving me. And I know I shouldn't believe what he said but I can't get it off replay. I've been trying to repress all the "Why" questions since I know I'll likely never get real answers. Why didn't you just talk to me. Why did you decide it was OK to have an affair for 9 f*cking months. Why can't you see what a stupid decision you're making? Everyone else can see it, why are you so blind? And why do I still want to be with this person after *everything* he's done to me. After I showed him loyalty when most people would've walked away and now he's just turning his back and running away when things get rough. Is that really the guy I want to have a family with? But when I think about him not being the dad to my kids, when I think about growing old with someone else, I have a mini panic attack. He's all I've wanted for 10 years. He's still all I want. What does that say about me....