It has been 2.5 months now since I started really letting go and detaching from my W while trying to work on myself. That was after giving my W multiple chances to end her EA and go NC with OM. About 1 month into the process of working on myself (around Feb 1st) my W started to come around, saying that things were shifting and she was losing interest in the OM, seeing that it was just a fantasy. Since then, we have continued MC sessions which have become increasingly positive and helpful. My W and I are both learning a lot about ourselves. We are realizing what the unhealthy patterns of our R were. Things are changing. We are treating each other with more respect. When we do have conflicts, I am finding that we are able to approach it in a new way.
My W is now say that the OM is very distant and although she didn't make any hard commitment to go NC, the interest has naturally faded and they have not been in touch for awhile. She is saying that she is feeling moments of attraction to me again, here and there, although there is still a lot she needs to work through to feel close to me again. She has initiated kisses and cuddles a few times in the past month. This has prompted me to think harder about what I want, what my boundaries are, and whether I really am ready to accept her back as she is, at this time.
A few weeks ago I was presented with the opportunity to start my own EA but I handled it by being transparent with my W, honest about the attraction that I felt. The OW and I agreed to play it safe and we took space from each other. My W is friends with the OW and they had a good talk that helped, but I kept a distance from the OW anyways.
These past two weeks have seen a much more intense transformation taking place inside of me. I have been feeling very detached but also loving toward my W. Seeing her as she really is. I am approaching my W very differently with less expectations and more curiosity about who she is, who I am, and whether we are really right for each other. I can say that I'm genuinely OK with whatever happens. I am still very uncertain about whether we are a good fit. As I heal myself and the old patterns fall away, what's left is two people who are really quite different and don't actually have all that much in common.
I am looking for something new that could draw us together and provide a foundation for a new R, but so far I have not seen that. Despite the positive changes in my W's sentiment about me, I still feel like we are simply not on the same wavelength. When I am true to myself, she naturally withdraws and we have trouble finding flow together. I am an Aries and she is a Pisces. My fire boils her water and her water puts out my fire... Or something like that. Who knows!
After taking things slow for awhile now, I have been increasingly doubtful about whether saving my M and staying with my W is really something that would be fulfilling for us both. I do love her, and I feel very detached now, even like I have forgiven her. But strangely, I can see this going in a direction where we lovingly and mutually accept that ending the M may be the most exciting and happy way forward for us both. We would remain close friends and co-parents. I am maintaining a curious stance, for now, as I am open to being surprised as we continue to work on ourselves. Perhaps the "something new that could draw us together" piece just hasn't revealed itself yet. Either way I feel happy and excited. I am beginning to really enjoy the limbo now as it feels full of possibility, and I get to decide where I go from here.
I have been seeing a new IC (3rd one) who I really like a lot. He is male and I feel very aligned with his approach. Last week I had a session with him where he told me that given my situation, my patterns, and how I'm feeling, he thinks that it will actually be good for me to embrace the exciting feelings of being open to possibilities of meeting other women. He believes that I can do this without acting in any ways that would be permanently damaging to the possibility of saving my M, should that be in the cards. He thinks that it may actually help to catalyze things, pull me out of my comfortable patterns, and bring back my W's attraction to me.
This has me second guessing my decision to maintain a distance from the OW. Fundamentally, I don't think that rebound relationships are ever a good idea, so I wouldn't want to start anything new right now. If something did start to grow between me and the OW, I think it would actually be good for me to set that boundary and insist that I am not in a place to go there at this time. If my M did come to its own natural end in the months ahead, and I was able to maintain the focus on myself until I solidify this new sense of self, then perhaps the time could come when I would be ready for a new R. I can see my own patterns clearly enough now that I realize how I give too much of myself away in relationships because of my fear of aloneness. I feel like I'm on the right track to remedying that, but I'm still vulnerable and I could easily slip into projecting all my happiness on another person. It really is true what they say about how the biggest life problems arise when you betray yourself. I can see how it's all about that for me, at this stage.
As for GALing, I have been enjoying a new drop-in volleyball group at the local community center. I have been playing guitar with friends, skiing and mountain biking. I also started taking a course at a local center for psychic studies called "self healing 101". I am meeting new friends there. I am feeling more alive and moved by an adventurous sense of wonder these days!
Me: 39 W: 36 M: 8 yrs T: 10 yrs S: 7 W started coming out with the truth: 9/26/15 W finished coming out with the truth: 11/12/15 W started sleeping in guest BR: 11/13/2015
