The begining of the rest of my new life? (3)

[Ripe]

Well, well, it didn't take long for me to start loving STBXW all over again.
After the last great weekend my mind started telling me that reconciliation was possible.
Then, during my sleep, I started imagining how wonderful that would be. I started drawing castles in the air, full of love and commitment.
I now feel like inviting STBXW this Sunday to watch with me and the kids the movie "Inside Out".
I also want to invite her to the big trip the kids and I are doing to Florida beginning of April.
I want to tell her that if she has some shred of doubt about the divorce she can come with us.

[broke]

I haven't been able to read all of your threads, but my first thought is no, no, no. Has she mentioned reconciliation? I think you need to stick with the DB plan and wait for her to come to you….I hope some vets weigh in but I wanted to dissuade you before you reached out. I am afraid any progress made by detaching and DB'ing will be undone if you push her into relationship talk. Just my opinion.

[Ripe]

Deep inside I know you're right, Broke.
And for taking the time to tell me so I thank you.
Not more than two weeks ago she said she was firm in her intention of divorcing me, so who am I to believe otherwise?
My IC says one explanation for her soft behaviour might be that she still feels guilty for the separation (it is never easy, even for the WW).
If she would manage to be in good terms with me, this would easy her mind.
It would be something like: "I did the right thing and the proof is that we can still be good friends."
Anyway, she is already invited to come tomorrow to my place to watch the movie and she has already accepted the invitation.
I will not invite her to the big trip, though.
It would be a major step for which conditions do not exist.

[Ripe]

The movie went wonderfully. STBXW came to my place and the four of us had a movie afternoon like the old times. She prepared popcorn with my help, in close physical proximity. We sat on the safe sofa with one kid in between. While eating popcorn from the same pot our hands would briefly touch on occasion. We laughed, commented and she cried.
In the end, we talked about the upcoming months, since I most probably will be returning home and end my mission in a couple of months.
What am I doing?
DR book says we should try something new if what we have been doing is not giving any results.
I think, and hope, that I am doing that.
I have been avoiding contacts and refusing all invitations by STBXW since our separation last October.
I am now trying to make her see how family life was and can be, without entering in any R talks. Doesn't she know it already? Of course, but I hope this can make her feel what she is missing.

[Ripe]

STBXW just sent me an email with a document.
On top of the document, a picture of my kids and their two friends who yesterday stayed for a sleepover at STBXW's place.
And then, some text, very well written because STBXW is a good writer.
Kids were bored and STBXW decided to make them write some post-its with happiness and loving messages.
Then they went out and delivered the post-its to strangers.
In the text STBXW describes the reactions of these strangers and the kids sense of fulfilment.
I have not replied to emails from STBXW, except if they are related to kids businesses.
But this time I did. I congratulated her for the initiative and said I was a bit jealous for not being able to see the light and smile in my kids' eyes.

[Fogg]

Hey ripe, not sure what you should do about second to last post. You could always try something new to see where it leads, it is your life. W or no W I'm sure you will be just fine as your are disobeying things sboit yourself and growing as a person. Sounds like you're doing well otherwise, keep it up.

[Ripe]

Hi, Fogg.
How are you, my friend?
How is your gym commitment?
I cannot speak for you, but separation has been my best motivation to keep in shape.
For the first time in my life I have a six pack!!
I am eager for Summer to come so that I can show it around.
if you update your thread I will read your answer there.

Well, yesterday I again did something very much anti-DB.
Against all advice and conscious about that, I went to STBXW's house and told her something along these lines:
If you feel that not all doors are closed, the kids and I would like for you to come with us to Disneyland.
I made her see, I hope, I was not blackmailing her with a trip I know she would like to take.
Then, I also told her I would not be her friend outside of the marital relationship and that I could not keep the current close emotional attachment for my own sake. She was silent. In the end she said we would still need to talk to each other because of the kids and I said obviously, but not like right now.
She then asked if that meant that the way we have been interacting lately would change. I said yes. This surprised her. I see that for her how we are right now is very pleasant and that she would like to keep this warm friendship.
Finally, finally I told her that's not going to happen.

[mutatio]

There is nothing wrong with telling her the truth about how you feel. It seems like you stated your feelings in a kind and courteous manner. Continue to treat her with compassion and respect. The ball is in her court.

[Ripe]

Yes, Mutatio, the ball was in her court and she has just returned it.
This weekend would be my turn to have the kids.
However, since I am going with them to Disneyland the week after, only returning one week later, we agreed she could have the kids most of the time.
I was invited for an official Easter this Sunday and I asked STBXW if I could take the kids with me, since they are also invited (and also her, as my spouse).
She was cold and distant.
She said since she would have the kids for the weekend and since we could not agree on sharing the kids, they would not go with me.
I replied I was not following her, since we had always agreed on all issues related to the kids.
She then said she thought we had been doing things together, like going to the opera and having lunch or going to the cinema, because that was good for the kids. And that since I was uncomfortable with that, we would need to start to be stricter and more rigid.
I just asked her then if I could have the kids during the weekend at least one day, since it is a long weekend.
She agreed.

And, well, she made me understand what was the answer to my invitation to join us for Disneyland: a big No!
Interestingly, I am only partially sad. Of course I would like her to come. This would mean she would be open to reconciliation.
But since I was the one having the initiative, I could not expect any success. She is not ready and might never be.
One thing is certain: I will not get involved in her dramas. She might be upset, but she is not understanding how uncomfortable it was for me to be such a nice friend to her.
I am not her friend, I am, or was, her husband.

[Ripe]

Uau! That was my 200th post.
Being so introverted and not a native speaker, this is some achievement.
When I found this board I thought I would only read, never post.
But here I am, one year and half and 200 posts later.