I hesitated to start a thread and post about this for many reasons, but you guys have been there for me before with some good advice and I know many of you are navigating the same waters as I am.
I last posted about the break up, which actually bounced back and forth for 2 weeks, neither of us wanted to completely let go. Last Thursday, we had a 3 hour conversation which ended in me saying either he has to commit to making this work and incorporate himself into my life a little, or we need to go our separate ways. I gave him the weekend, he didn't really want to deal with it as he is very conflict avoidant. In the end he said he doesn't like ultimatums, he is in a selfish phase and he cannot give me what I need right now. Maybe in a month, maybe in a year, maybe in 5, he just doesn't know. I explained I need to cut off all contact, because I'll never move on. He wanted to still stay connected. I explained it was not to punish him,it was because I would not be able to move on. And I will not be just a place of comfort when he gets lonely. I am worth the full deal.
I have been going through all the emotions. Anger, heartbreak, sadness. I really stink at breakups. The truth is I loved him and I let myself see a future. His words and actions were all over the place. He told me there is not one person he has ever enjoyed spending more time with, I am different, I am special, he liked everything about me, could not concentrate at work because I was all he thought of.
I understand he needs to walk his path. He is going through a bit of an MLC. He might regret being with me without being alone for a while. But I am all sorts of hurt. Part of me honestly wanted to reach out and tell him I would just take what he was willing to give me. That's what he wanted, but I couldn't do it to myself. Another part of me wishes he would show up at my door and tell me he made mistake and he wants to make it work. These are my raw honest feelings and I know it isn't going either way. D8 was super sad and she said she loved him. She cried for his D6. It was very upsetting. But I know unless he was 100% in, I couldn't let them get any closer.
Any ways, I am in the obsessing and crying stage. Hopefully I will exit that stage soon. All I want to do is sleep, and that's not an option for me, luckily. Else it's probably what I would do for a little while. My life is crazy hectic right now and I'm just trying to get in a pattern with everything going on.
While this is happening my cousin who hasn't spoken to me in two months texts me with "so, I'm guessing from FB, you and your man are over?" My cousin and I have had a very volatile sister like R since we were kids. She gets off on my misery and has always been not one to walk in someone elses shoes and has always been jealous in my friendships. She goes off on me over text. She wants to be close to me and get ready......... wants us to go to counseling to get to the root of our issues. For the love of God, as if I don't have enough going on! Couples counseling with my cousin????I am ok with keeping her at a safe distance. Our kids can play, we can get together, but she wants to be very close to me and is jealous of my friendships and wants us to be that way. I can't have anymore energy drainers too close. I have no energy left! D and I are going out to dinner with her and the fam then going back to her house to "talk". I really don't want to talk. It's the same stuff every time. My emotional energy is just completely depleted lately.
So, yeah, I have been stressed, sad and in a poopy place. I'm doing the work to get myself out of it. It's tough with everything going on. The gym is my outlet, but getting there with work, school, and D8 and her school and activities, my weekly dentist appts, it happens maybe once a week, and I suffer when I take the time for myself. But there is a desperate need for self care right now. Emotional and physical. I had a nervous breakdown on the phone with my dad and he offered to come out next week and watch D8 so I can go to yoga or get a massage.
I feel a little better letting that out. I just finally found love after 8 years and it was not the right time for him. Everything was from us to the kids went as one can only imagine, but there is commitment and work that needed to be done and its just not a time in his life for that. This one is going to take a while. but as always, I'll be ok and a tad stronger in the end.
If you made it to the end of this craziness, I thank you,
