REALLY trying to detach...but GALing regardless!#5

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Thank you to everyone that took the time to write to me about my anniversary. It has come and gone. I've tried really hard not to think about it since it passed but it's been hard. I had made up my mind that I was going to go over there on that day. I decided that weeks ago. Then, with my son being in the hospital and H ignoring me when I tried to tell him, I was so mad that I really wasn't sure what to do anymore. I was still on the fence about it right up to the night of.

That afternoon I had lunch with my mom and one of my daughters. Around 5 I fixed my makeup and took my D to work. My plan was to go to see H on my way back home. My plans all changed when I found out that my D called H and asked him if she should try to dissuade me from going over there. OMG! Are you kidding me!!!? I know her heart was in the right place as she was just trying to protect my feelings, but I could have just died! I know he must have thought I put her up to making that call. I never even told her that I was going over there. UGH! In that one 2 minute phone call she completely ruined any chance of me being able to go over there. I looked like a fool! I asked her what he said when she asked him that. She said that he told her YES. So, basically I got the knife in the heart without the benefit of getting to see him. Happy anniversary to me! And for anyone that's not clear on it, I did NOT go over there.

I have found myself in a bit of a weird place since then. Not really sure what to make of it. I don't know if it's because I'm just SO hurt by him right now. Or, if it's because of how long this has been going on. Or maybe it's just the stress of my son's accident. Not sure. I just find that I'm not really sure how I feel about H any more. I mean, it's been 5 months now. I have sat over here by myself and he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. When something happens, he doesn't care. If I need to talk to someone, he doesn't want it to be him. He is completely unavalable to me. I have had him hurt me over and over by refusing to see me, not answering my phone calls and texts, rolling his eyes when I go over there, and he has chosen her over me not once but twice. He would rather listen to her stories than mine. Comfort her instead of me. Confide in her while not giving me the time of day. I reach out to him and when I leave, he calls her after sitting there and ignoring me. I don't know if I'm just numb from being hurt so much by him, or if I'm actually starting to detach, or what the deal is. I just find myself not caring as much as I once did. It actually makes me sad. Sad that this might be the beginning of me letting go. The beginning of me moving on and leaving him behind as he has done to me. The beginning of the end of us.

I just said that it makes me sad, but I'm not even sure that's true. I guess I do feel numb to it right now. I just wonder if being kicked so many times when I was just trying to hold on to my H has finally shifted things even if only a little. I'm thinking the rope feels a little lighter right now than it ever has. It makes me feel incredibly lonely. Of all the feelings I have, that is the none that I hate the most.

I don't really know what I want anymore, but I do know that I'm tired of being married to someone that would rather talk to ANYONE other than me. I guess this hurts so much because I KNOW that I was not the problem. I bent over backwards trying to make him happy. Trying to be what he wanted while he constantly changed the rules. I took all the blame for his bad behaviors. Let him criticize and put me down for things that weren't even true about me. He really has no reason to treat me badly at all. I should be the one throwing him away, but instead I have been desperately trying to convince myself that he would come back. I just don't believe it anymore and I'm tired of him constantly choosing ow over me.

I guess I'm just venting here. I don't have anywhere else to do it. He was the only person I ever talked to. I guess I'm just trying to understand how I feel. It's like up to my anniversary I was trying so hard to hold onto hope, and now it's just gone. One day I had hope, the next day it was just not there. Maybe that's how he felt. One day he loved me, the very next day he just didn't. Simple as that. Just hard to believe but I really don't have any choice.

I know from 5 months worth of experience that my moods cycle without warning. I wonder, if I ever get to sleep, how I will feel when I wake up. Surely this resigned feeling won't stick permanently just yet. Or, maybe it will. I prefer the anger. I wish it would come back around and stay for a while.

If anyone is still reading this, thanks. I really do appreciate it.