I have been faking detaching. Gave up on that husband verbalization regarding reconciliation. Went back to how I was acting in the fall. letting him initiate everything now. Been pretty good for past 3 weeks, but Definatly still depressed. I don't feel the desire to do much. (Feeling a little better, but still some remnants of a month long virus. I am very out of breath so going to dr next week) Husband is friendly. I can tell he likes the space.
Was trying to find a document I needed and came across some old emails husband and I sent each other regarding our wedding plans. It was sad for me to be reminded of how much he loved me a long time ago. It just went so bad and I really do understand why. So sadness instead of anger. Frusturated too, because I feel like our issues are fixable and he does not. It's so annoying when he says stuff to me like "I already tried".
That's like me (I have no knowledge and no interest in electronic goods) trying to fix a very expensive tv that was never set up correctly, without researching it or discussing it with anyone that actually is knowledgeable about fixing tvs. I convince to get rid of the tv but give it one more chance by going to the worlds cheapest TV fixer to get help. Then I throw out the tv.
Regardless, I tell myself I have no choice in the situation. I cannot make him want to reconcile if he does not. All I can do is live my life. He has to figure it out on his own. He might not, or it might be too late by the time he does. Or maybe he is right.
It [censored], not really being in control of your life. I get all that Philosophy that no one is in control and we have to let go, but I get so jealous when I see so many peers that get everything they want in life. I also know that things can always be worse and I need to appreciate what I do have... And I do but only at times.
I am noticing how much my friends complain of the little things regarding their spouses and situations. I did this too, but I don't think I ever will again with whoever I end up with in the future.
JuJuB - so glad you posted, I was wondering how you were feeling.
Originally Posted By: JujuB
So sadness instead of anger. Frusturated too, because I feel like our issues are fixable and he does not. It's so annoying when he says stuff to me like "I already tried".
I couldn't agree more with the above statement. More than anything, I would like to go back and "fix" the issues that were in my M before the bomb dropped and the "path was D". But, even if we (as the LBS) did everything right, there is still no guarantee that our H's would have done everything right. They still might have left.
And, I also feel like I am faking the detaching, too. But, what else can we do? Pursuing, begging, trying to reason with a WH doesn't work. So, I figure we have nothing left to lose. I am hoping that the more we can detach, the more we will let go and move toward acceptance. I also hope the more all us DB'ers like the new version of ourselves, the more confident we become in our next relationship with or without our H's.
I know it is hard. Every day it is a struggle at least some of the time. This morning, I could feel myself slipping into sadness. I had to consciously say no I am not going there today. While it wasn't my best day it wasn't my worst one either.
I am so sorry that you are still ill and feeling hurt and sad. Can you do something that makes you feel better tomorrow? Something that is a treat for a SAHM like a manicure or massage? Be gentle with yourself because you deserve it and your kiddos need you, too.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Thanks for responding. For me it's really just a matter of getting back to exercise and having my energy back. Then it won't be as bad. Just need to get better!! I have been treating myself a little too much lately. More then ever. I used to go without quite a bit in order to save. That kind of went out the window now. But I need to get back to being more financially responsible.
Right now I work part time. I am going to try to add some more hours of work by changing up my skill set a bit. Learning something new, will take away focus from my situation and provide me with some extra cash. Added skill set can be applied to my very meager pension and will give me lots of security in any way my future goes. It's not advised legally though, but I am still trying to get it going.
we Definatly have to fake it till we make it. It really does work too. In every aspect of life. We have to be patient. I keep telling myself. My coach once said, "if patience is not your virtue, it certainly will be after this process"
I hope you get better soon JujuB. This whole thing can really take a toll on you physically as well as mentally. I have never in my life had a panic attack but swear I was on the verge the last couple days. I found it happens now when I need to contact her or respond to something. Who ever say you stop walking on eggshells when they leave. I don't just walk on them, I tap dance. But I will not let her see or know that, point being I am also faking it to until I actually do detach.
Get well JujuB and take care of you.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Also ^^^ the part about how other married people complain about the littlest things in their M. I used to like that too. Now I have the repress the urge to tell them, "At least you're married and your S didnt leave you." Not exactly validating and definitely not something you would say if you want to keep your friends.
Glad that emotionally you're getting to a better place of having no expectations. Take care of yourself and your little ones!
(((( Julie ))))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I will say it is nice to know I am not the only one that feels like I am "faking it" until I really detach.
JujuB - I hope you start feeling better very soon, so you can get back to working out and GAL'ing. And, I love the idea of learning a new skill and pushing yourself in your work. Good for you!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Remember detachment is as much a day-by-day...and sometimes moment-by-moment...choice we are constantly faced with. The more we make that choice, the better chance we have to make it the next time.
Challenges can seem to appear out of nowhere. Sometimes it can seem daunting to try and achieve a 'state of detachment' so don't get too discouraged or overconfident.
Just realize that you'll be faced with an opportunity in a small moment to make the choice for that moment. If you can make the choice to Not.Go.There in that moment, you're on your way. And you will know how to make that choice in the next moment that presents you with that opportunity to do something great for yourself.
Yeah.. I am Definatly not detached. But at least I'm not pursuing. What I would love to be is indifferent.
I am now becoming aware of how this all feels like one of those bad dreams you have, that you are just so happy to wake up from... So I guess reality is setting in. I am not as mad. But really depressed lately. I was actually thinking of researching anti depressants. I just want to go back to real exercise. Then maybe I wouldn't need something like that. I am afraid of those types of medicines. Husband is a constant thought, except when I am at work.
For a while and yes, even now I keep thinking that husband will see the light. He will come around. the fact that he has not yet asked for divorce is really messing with me.
He asked me to talk tomorrow to "catch up" and discuss weekend schedules of kids. I Don't have hope that talk will be positive. I don't think it will be filled with arguments though (that only happens when I ask about reconciliation). Our last conversation and dinner out was not combative at all.
I am just envisioning him saying something like "it's not fair for me to lead you on...no way our marriage is salvageable at this point" or "we can't prolong this anymore. It's not fair to either of us. Let's figure out mediation" etc.
Or maybe it really is just to catch up and be friendly which is a good sign...this time I am letting him initiate and not bringing up relationship and ending things first.
I know it's hard but stop thinking about the what is going to happen. Just go into it without any preconceived notion of what could or could not happen.
As far as the antidepressants: I don't think you should be scared of them. Yes exercise releases endorphins which are mood elevators but this only works to some extent. Antidepressants are incredibly good things! Take it from someone who has said since I was 16 that I will never take them. Have been on one for a little over a month and it's amazing how much better I feel even with the world crumbling around me. The important thing to remember is that it's not a sign of weakness to take them. And it's not forever. You can take them to get you through the worst of this and then try (with a doctors guidance) to wean off them. Plus, if you want to lose a bit more weight (as I did) there are ones that are also off label for weight loss. Its obviously up to you but I just wanted to encourage you to talk to your doctor about them.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
I'm not trying to be a hero, I just worry about side effects. I Definatly would not want to take something that would cause weight gain! And that's the least scary of the side effects. Wellbutrin sounds good because it might help me with adhd as well? But then again, I worry it might cause me to become even more anxious. ( I don't even take over the counter allergy medications because I hate the side effects lol!).
I will have to discuss with my doctor. And making a point of it just being for short term would be important as well. I actually have a close family member I can discuss this with. She is used to me driving her crazy for medical advice. I only just thought of it now. (Hope you don't have any hypochondriacs in your family. They will be harassing you when you graduate! Trust me )
