KGirl - new life, new stuff

[KGirl]

I'm here, I'm here!

The IC visit was today - since it was a first one/evaluation it was an hour and a half long. It was exhausting - spent most of it in tears and then still went to work in the afternoon. We went over my background w/ XH and the divorce, meeting XBF, some of the issues that I encountered with him, the breakup, and then how I've been feeling since then and my thoughts.

She basically said that she didn't see anything pathological or "wrong" for me to be beating myself up over in terms of it being my fault for things ending... "now, if you had ten relationships where people kept breaking up with you, perhaps there's an issue. You've had TWO." But acknowledged that there are always things to learn and take away from a break up, and perhaps in this case it's more about patterns of getting involved with certain types of people than anything about my behavior or actions. She said it seemed like I did a good job of indicating when I was unhappy, expressing my feelings, asking for what I wanted... but then the issue was when I didn't get those things, I stuck around and kept pushing for more (out of my control), instead of making a decision to either let the issue go or let HIM go (within my control). And, that I could have very well been secure/not codependent at the beginning but when people start distancing and paying less attention, it's natural for anyone to start to get more clingy/anxious/insecure in response. She noted that XBF and I seemed to be at very different scales of how much companionship/closeness we wanted - and mentioned that his history of only internet relationships was indicative of how he likes distance and independence. And, she affirmed that asking about people's days, what they're up to, etc. is a normal part of being in relationships and wanting to know more about them and how they "are" in their life.

So, my homework until we meet next (which won't be until March 31 because she's gone during spring break) is:
-not letting myself go down the path of blaming myself, it's all my fault, etc. - we'll figure that out later on and what is actually reasonable to learn and change from this. She encouraged me to focus on staying busy and whatnot rather than try and "figure stuff out" - ? not sure about this but maybe it's what I need right now until I'm in a processing sort of place.
-get a sleep aid because sleep is important to feeling better (picked some up today)
-try to work out every day
-get outside
-journal
-read a book for fun - not for self-help or work
-try something new
-give myself permission to not go above and beyond. I mentioned that I felt like my chores and household stuff was not going well and I just felt like watching my fav TV shows a lot of the time and she said "So why not do that? Can you give yourself permission to do things you enjoy and that make you feel comfortable and not be hard on yourself about things you feel like you 'should' be doing?"

Re: depression, we did an inventory and she felt like my symptoms were within the normal range of grief for being 6 weeks post-breakup, especially considering how I serious I thought the relationship was, and some of the grief that is coming up from XH, too. So she did not refer me to a psychiatrist/for medication at this time but gave me her direct line # in case things changed and said we'll keep an eye on things.

I really like this IC and think she will challenge me. She said she was excited to work with me because she felt like I was in a really good place to be successful and motivated to get help - that when people are in a painful place it tends to be more effective. And, that she had a lot of ideas of things we can talk about next time... particularly getting more into my parents and immediate family issues.

Sunny, I'll have to think more about your question, I haven't really yet. I do know that some of the happiest days I had w/ XBF were days where we went out and did something interesting besides just go out to eat (like go to the zoo, or an event at a park), and then when we were snuggled up later just talked about anything and everything that popped into our heads and asked each other things, it felt like we were both being very vulnerable and open with each other - I would call it "serious question time"!

Sigh.. thinking about that makes me miss him so much. There really were a lot of good times... when we were together and he actually wanted to talk to me! IC said it seemed like I was putting in a LOT of effort into the relationship to keep it afloat, him not so much. I find myself daydreaming sometimes about what if he figures out he made a big mistake, shows up at my door or at my work and begs me to come back, how would I respond, etc. I think in reality he's not thinking much about that at all and is instead spending a lot of time working on stuff for work/on his computer.