KGirl - new life, new stuff

[SunnyB]

KGirl, it sounds like you are doing ok. You are taking care of the basics, eating, cleaning, working. Your goals are reasonable and reachable. Hang in there, get your professional help and keep posting.

Do you have a clear picture of what it is you want in a relationship? Not necessarily a list, although some people find that helpful, but a vision. A mental image of a great day with someone. Find a quiet place, spend some time on this, let your mind drift to where ever it does, there's no right or wrong here. Imagine your perfect day, where are you, who are you with? Hold on to small details, he opens the door for you, puts his hand in the small of your back. Are you cooking together? At a street fair? What does he say? Spend some time on this and come back and tell me what you found out.

[SunnyB]

KGirl, how are you today?

[Mozza]

Yes, I want to hear about the IC visit! Sometimes our support network put too much hope into these 45-minute conversations, but they can give us food for thought. I hope it went well.

[KGirl]

I'm here, I'm here!

The IC visit was today - since it was a first one/evaluation it was an hour and a half long. It was exhausting - spent most of it in tears and then still went to work in the afternoon. We went over my background w/ XH and the divorce, meeting XBF, some of the issues that I encountered with him, the breakup, and then how I've been feeling since then and my thoughts.

She basically said that she didn't see anything pathological or "wrong" for me to be beating myself up over in terms of it being my fault for things ending... "now, if you had ten relationships where people kept breaking up with you, perhaps there's an issue. You've had TWO." But acknowledged that there are always things to learn and take away from a break up, and perhaps in this case it's more about patterns of getting involved with certain types of people than anything about my behavior or actions. She said it seemed like I did a good job of indicating when I was unhappy, expressing my feelings, asking for what I wanted... but then the issue was when I didn't get those things, I stuck around and kept pushing for more (out of my control), instead of making a decision to either let the issue go or let HIM go (within my control). And, that I could have very well been secure/not codependent at the beginning but when people start distancing and paying less attention, it's natural for anyone to start to get more clingy/anxious/insecure in response. She noted that XBF and I seemed to be at very different scales of how much companionship/closeness we wanted - and mentioned that his history of only internet relationships was indicative of how he likes distance and independence. And, she affirmed that asking about people's days, what they're up to, etc. is a normal part of being in relationships and wanting to know more about them and how they "are" in their life.

So, my homework until we meet next (which won't be until March 31 because she's gone during spring break) is:
-not letting myself go down the path of blaming myself, it's all my fault, etc. - we'll figure that out later on and what is actually reasonable to learn and change from this. She encouraged me to focus on staying busy and whatnot rather than try and "figure stuff out" - ? not sure about this but maybe it's what I need right now until I'm in a processing sort of place.
-get a sleep aid because sleep is important to feeling better (picked some up today)
-try to work out every day
-get outside
-journal
-read a book for fun - not for self-help or work
-try something new
-give myself permission to not go above and beyond. I mentioned that I felt like my chores and household stuff was not going well and I just felt like watching my fav TV shows a lot of the time and she said "So why not do that? Can you give yourself permission to do things you enjoy and that make you feel comfortable and not be hard on yourself about things you feel like you 'should' be doing?"

Re: depression, we did an inventory and she felt like my symptoms were within the normal range of grief for being 6 weeks post-breakup, especially considering how I serious I thought the relationship was, and some of the grief that is coming up from XH, too. So she did not refer me to a psychiatrist/for medication at this time but gave me her direct line # in case things changed and said we'll keep an eye on things.

I really like this IC and think she will challenge me. She said she was excited to work with me because she felt like I was in a really good place to be successful and motivated to get help - that when people are in a painful place it tends to be more effective. And, that she had a lot of ideas of things we can talk about next time... particularly getting more into my parents and immediate family issues.

Sunny, I'll have to think more about your question, I haven't really yet. I do know that some of the happiest days I had w/ XBF were days where we went out and did something interesting besides just go out to eat (like go to the zoo, or an event at a park), and then when we were snuggled up later just talked about anything and everything that popped into our heads and asked each other things, it felt like we were both being very vulnerable and open with each other - I would call it "serious question time"!

Sigh.. thinking about that makes me miss him so much. There really were a lot of good times... when we were together and he actually wanted to talk to me! IC said it seemed like I was putting in a LOT of effort into the relationship to keep it afloat, him not so much. I find myself daydreaming sometimes about what if he figures out he made a big mistake, shows up at my door or at my work and begs me to come back, how would I respond, etc. I think in reality he's not thinking much about that at all and is instead spending a lot of time working on stuff for work/on his computer.

[Mozza]

I'm impressed with all that you've accomplished with your IC. It looks very promising. I especially like that she brought up the concept of "permission". There's a lot there. A permission is for something that you've long desired but didn't act on.

[KGirl]

I'm feeling better on the "it's all my fault, I did something wrong to ruin this relationship and make him leave" front, so that's good. The question of "would you have actually married/been with this guy long term?" gave me some pause. My gut reaction is to say "YES... but..." followed by things I would have wanted him to change (be more open, tell me more things, want to spend more time with me, etc.) so basically only under conditions that didn't exist. Which means unless some miracle happened and he woke up and magically decided to be what I wanted him to be, it wasn't going to happen anyway. I was happy with how things were in the beginning but as time progressed, I wanted the relationship to be more involved and progress, and he was content to keep it the same.. I'm envisioning a graph where my line goes diagonally up (where I was more distant at first but got more invested as time went on) and his just stayed flat.

But... doesn't stop me from missing him. Today I'm feeling particularly overwhelmed by those grief thoughts. I don't know if that means I need to be more careful in the future not to get too involved with someone right away, or if it's just what's going to happen as you're dating and getting into relationships with people. I don't want to hold back but when I get comfortable and vulnerable it's going to hurt if it doesn't work out. Time to go do some journaling I guess..

[Ginger1]

I'm sorry you are sad, and missing him. I do think it is a part of dating and relationships. When you do let someone in beyond a superficial level, it's pretty normal to miss them and grieve for them. You with your ex since you were kids. This seems to be your first dating/adult relationship since the D and as an adult. So, it's going to sting a bit and maybe a little longer. Don't let this hold you back from letting anyone else in a again. I think sometimes we just need to be aware this a normal part of the process, even if it stinks.

[KGirl]

Yes, my XH and I started dating when we were 17, and this was my first relationship post-D (I went on first/sometimes second dates with 4 guys before I met XBF so not even that much dating experience!), so yep, only my second adult relationship. It [censored]. But, I've noticed I'm not thinking about it as much and not thinking so much about it being my fault, so I think that's good. It is somewhat daunting to think about how many more people I may have to let in before I find "the one" (or "the next one" after XH, I guess!)

[KGirl]

Bah.. I don't know what it is about today but I feel like I'm backsliding and wanting to cry at work again, and I had a bunch of days where I wasn't crying at all! Is it the weather (rainy and windy and gross here) or not getting enough sleep or something else in my brain? I'm frustrated that for a 2nd time I got into a situation where I believed that someone was more invested in me/the R than they actually were, and rather than talk about what was bothering them or the issues they were able to just walk away, leaving me wondering what the heck happened. How do I break out of this pattern?? Am I doomed to keep getting overly invested and interested in people when they don't feel the same way about me? How come I'm not recognizing that they don't feel similarly or as into it as I am? &$*#@&!*$! I hate that I invested this time and energy with this person and I'm having trouble getting him out of my head today. So many random things remind me of him and times we had together, even at work. We'd sometimes meet up at the student union for drinks/hanging out and I go there regularly for events and it S*CKS. I keep wondering what he's up to, if he misses me as much as I miss him (probably not because wouldn't he do something about it if he did?), if he's seeing someone or dating already, if he's happier without me, etc. I feel like *I* wasn't done with the relationship yet even if perhaps I would have gotten there on my own eventually.

[kml]

Am I doomed to keep getting overly invested and interested in people when they don't feel the same way about me? How come I'm not recognizing that they don't feel similarly or as into it as I am? &$*#@&!*$!

The answer to this probably lies in your childhood. Did someone abandon you or die on you? Is there some reason why you don't think you "deserve" someone who adores you? Did you have a parent who was difficult to please? Are you an adult child of an alcoholic?

Unravel the source and you will start to learn not to keep making the same mistake.