I have been faking detaching. Gave up on that husband verbalization regarding reconciliation. Went back to how I was acting in the fall. letting him initiate everything now. Been pretty good for past 3 weeks, but Definatly still depressed. I don't feel the desire to do much. (Feeling a little better, but still some remnants of a month long virus. I am very out of breath so going to dr next week) Husband is friendly. I can tell he likes the space.
Was trying to find a document I needed and came across some old emails husband and I sent each other regarding our wedding plans. It was sad for me to be reminded of how much he loved me a long time ago. It just went so bad and I really do understand why. So sadness instead of anger. Frusturated too, because I feel like our issues are fixable and he does not. It's so annoying when he says stuff to me like "I already tried".
That's like me (I have no knowledge and no interest in electronic goods) trying to fix a very expensive tv that was never set up correctly, without researching it or discussing it with anyone that actually is knowledgeable about fixing tvs. I convince to get rid of the tv but give it one more chance by going to the worlds cheapest TV fixer to get help. Then I throw out the tv.
Regardless, I tell myself I have no choice in the situation. I cannot make him want to reconcile if he does not. All I can do is live my life. He has to figure it out on his own. He might not, or it might be too late by the time he does. Or maybe he is right.
It [censored], not really being in control of your life. I get all that Philosophy that no one is in control and we have to let go, but I get so jealous when I see so many peers that get everything they want in life. I also know that things can always be worse and I need to appreciate what I do have... And I do but only at times.
I am noticing how much my friends complain of the little things regarding their spouses and situations. I did this too, but I don't think I ever will again with whoever I end up with in the future.
