My story JB910 (2)

[Vapo]

Alright on to my new concern for today. I'm back in the house and I've talked to a lawyer. I haven't retained him yet (7500.00) because of the financial part. Has anyone experienced a spouse filling for divorce and order keeping you out of the house until divorce finalized. This is a major fear of mine. We've had some heated arguments, but never anything physical or breaking stuff etc.... I don't think my wife would lie under oath an accuse of abuse, but [censored] at this point i really don't know what to expect.

Just walk away from any argument. There are no prizes to be won in an argument. Walk away. And better yet, tell your wife you will not argue with her and if she continues to disrespect you, you will be walking away and if she keeps yanking your chain, just walk away and refuse to have a conversation. Mind you, it will piss her off to no end. A voice activated recorder is a brilliant idea. Use it. Also, it could help your case if you start logging spent time with your kids and any expenses. It could prove a valuable resource...

[Jb9140]

is it just me or is this a common thing. Every time i say anything about our relationship or say I love you and want to make this work. My wife will take a poke at me ; such as bloke me on facebook, bloke me on instagram, recently take our wedding picture down from bedroom wall. Its like she retaliates because i try to tell her how I feel. it feels like she's trying to get a rise out of me when she does these things. I don't quite understand that.

[CWOL]

is it just me or is this a common thing. Every time i say anything about our relationship or say I love you and want to make this work. My wife will take a poke at me ; such as bloke me on facebook, bloke me on instagram, recently take our wedding picture down from bedroom wall. Its like she retaliates because i try to tell her how I feel. it feels like she's trying to get a rise out of me when she does these things. I don't quite understand that.

You need to stop doing that. Read the DR book and read up on DB principles. It is counterproductive and sets off your WW as it makes her feel trapped and manipulated...

All betrayed husbands start by doing that, including me. We learn it doesn't work.

[Vapo]

Jb, Yes, totally stop doing what. Why you ask?

BECAUSE SHE DOES NOT GIVE A RAT'S ASS.

Pardon my french, but it needed to be said.

[Jb9140]

Vapo, just curious. what is your story. you seem to be real hardcore, which is great. just would be interested to hear your back story.

[Jb9140]

Sandi.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
Can you expound on this rule. It feels almost like being mr nice guy.

[Vapo]

Me 38, w 35, together 15, BD June 2014, 2 kids, now 4 and 6, at BD she admitted to EA and some petting and kissing, said she was confused and needed space, a couple of months before I noticed she changed her hair and started dressing as a teenager, she started playing guitar.

I tried begging, pleading, reasoning, but nothing worked. She started rewriting history, I got the ILYBINILWY speach, first she said she has not been happy for a while, then a year, then 3 years, and soon it became she was never happy. She had these violent mood swings, her AP was (is) her coworker and he was fcucking her/their boss at the same time. That understandibly caused a lot of friction and she nearly got fired. In July she moved to an apt. less than half a mile away, we worked out a schedule and this went great. She was all over the place. She BD'd me beginning of June, moved out end of July, began fcucking OM end of August (OM married with a young daughter). She met with OM's wife end of November. By her account she has broken it off with OM 49 times, and now I just don't give a fcuk any more about her affair. I do not ask her ANY questions if they are not kids related. I do not help her out, I do not call her, I do not answer her texts (unless it's something kids related). First 6 months after BD was hell, but then things started improving and now I am doing very well, I dare say even great, when I look back where I was end of 2014.

Let me say that I did not beat her, I had an executive positition, we traveled the world together, I helped her finish her studies and her masters only to be accused by her why did I always helped her. I was like Whaaaaat?!? You are accusing me of helping you too much? Well that's a first...

Let me tell you I have never felt more disrespected in my life. When she moved out she was going room to room and picking/marking stuff she would take to her apt. I blew my lid and say this is not a fcucking department store, you can't just select what you want and I put my foot down. I still ended up helping her move and even carried a fridge 4 stories up. My life was falling apart and she was chirping like a school girl.

At first I snooped, I had her gmail password, her facebook password and access to her phone records. I was obsessed. I was thinking/hoping/praying she would get over it, obsessing and feeling her pain. I tore me when I saw her setting up dates with other men, reading her diary what she did with OM, reading personal stuff about her that nearly drove me insane...

First when she left I was dumbfounded as to what happened, she was a completely different person, manic, depressed, crying, always ill and in tears. Tehn I found MLC aricles, Mid life crisis, and then everything started to make sense.

In time I stopped snooping, I stopped asking her anything, I did not rely on her in any way, even if she said she has taken care off stuff for the kids I did not believe her and I always had a backup plan. No way I'd be caught with my pants down.

These days she seems to be doing a bit better, again, I do not ask her anything that is not related to the kids (nothing!), I do not beg, plead or anything. I do not snoop (although I could), I am in a mentally good place. I travel the world alone and love every second of it. I hike, I do stuff with the kids on my own terms, I love it! Soon after BD I tried to jump into a new relationship but it was a disaster, but also a valuable lesson, teaching me that I too need to heal and more important, that I will be OK even if I end up single. I am single, but not alone, I am never trading in my independece for an emotionall insecure person.

She sometimes bakes bread or cake for me, I am friendly towards her, but in no uncertain term I have let her know that I WILL NOT BE HER FRIEND. She honestly believed that she would be my friend. CRAZY, really.

She has her journey to finish and I have mine.

So you see that I have gone trough some crap with my wife and know A LOT. I gained an insight into other people and I do try to help. These boards were a life line for me and I am just trying to give a little back by trying to help others in similar sitches.

I do not sugar coat my words, I call it how I see it, I give straight advice, perhaps even to stern at times. I know that people need time to mature and to come to the realization of stuff by themselves, but if they manage to avoid my mistakes, I think they would arrive to a good place much sooner. Sadly I see people hearing my advice and then trying it their way and nearly always it ends up blowing up in their face. But it is their choice and I do not hold a grudge, I do try help them inspite, but if they burn by advice 3 times, I'm done helping them. There are a lot of other decent hurt people needing a friendly pat on the back or even a virtual hug. Dishing out help and advice is not easy and it does mentally wear you out.

Stay strong buddy, glad you found these boards, there are tons of wonderful people donating hours, days and months of their time to tend to the emotional wounds of LBSs.

[CWOL]

Vapo, that is fcuked up, man!

[CWOL]

JB, I just noticed your dates are almost the same as mine:

My BD November 18th, 2015, your BD - November 20th 2015
My wife filed for divorce February 8, 2016, your wife said she wants divorce Feb 7th 2016

Man, this is tough.

[Jb9140]

Good stuff. Sorry about your situation, but it sounds like you came out the other side a better man.