Quick recap: D papers signed early Dec, final early Jan. Today is 9 months after BD (#3 !!!), 6 months after XW left for good, 3 months since I signed D papers, and 2 months since D was final.
I can still remember the pain of getting the first draft of the papers via email in October. I also remember how relatively unaffected I was by the time I received the final official copy of the papers from the court in the mail in mid-January. Opened the envelope, did a quick glance, tossed em on my desk where they still sit.
What I've learned ... so far
1. Tomorrow comes for us whether we want it to or not. I've learned to ask myself much more than I used to, What do I need to be doing and choosing right now so that I'm ready for whatever I need to be as the future comes at me: mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc.
2. The pain and despair and grief I felt during the early stages of this seemed unbearable at times, yet looking back I see that I bore it, occasionally alone, but most often with the help of counselors, friends, family, and just pushing forward in the moment when I could. Sometimes I just cried myself to sleep. That's ok too. Churchill said, When you're going through hell, keep going. You don't have to look good or even feel good heading for the finish line...you just want to cross it and start preparing for the next one. You'll eventually feel better if you keep moving forward. Just keep moving forward.
3. It doesn't always feel like we think it should or want it to. Sometimes when I felt the worst and weakest, looking back I see that it was simply how I felt. Maybe I was a little depressed; then again, maybe I was hypoglycemic. But overall I was doing what I needed to and didn't let my feelings of despair dissuade me. I just did it while feeling like total $hit. That's ok too. Life isn't fair but we have to adapt or die.
4. Detaching, which always seems like such a struggle, really seems like a moment by moment choice to me. The big picture and the future don't make sense to me when I'm in tremendous emotional pain. But choosing right this moment whether I want to stay in that painful room or just go find another one is a choice I can make. Sometimes I made it, sometimes I stayed in pain and obsessed and felt sorry for myself. Sometimes we just do that. But we don't have to.
5. At some point we all surrender to the reality of what's happening, even those of use who start by kicking and screaming and dragging our heels...takes some of us a lot longer to get there than others. I know it did me. Accepting what we cannot change can change us for the better if we simply accept it and learn from it and are willing to do things differently than we have in the past.
6. Detaching, GAL-ing, and all that other stuff is mainly about getting ourselves back and growing into our better selves, ready for a better life regardless of how the M goes. It's about releasing unhealthy attachments to our spouses and even our dreams while maintaining our commitment to our marriages and families while this process plays out.
It's pragmatic and it works, but only if we do it.
My M is over, my XW long gone. I've run into her a time or two...she doesn't even look like the same person, which might say even more about my own mental gymnastics undertaken over the years to cope, or maybe about how she is/lives now.
Don't know...don't really think about it. Not my circus; not my monkeys.
Looking back I've also seen that the stress of the last few years is mostly gone now. I was getting mysterious headaches which I no longer have and haven't since shortly after she left. It's nice to wake up finally and not immediately feel badly about something beyond my control anyway.
I'm still not exactly $hitting giggles, but I have been learning to make my space comfortable in this new and unexpected life, and have made new friends and both the boys (now 20 and 23) have drawn closer to me. S23 used to go a few weeks without getting in touch. He now calls me every other day about something and we get together once a week at least. It feels good to think that, despite all the spew my XW gave me about how they didn't care about the family and I was always dropping the ball, how when the $hit hit the fan with her, it was me they sought out and still seek out. I truly did drop the ball as a dad sometimes, in the past, years ago now, but I finally understand I'm not and was not the ogre she made me out to be. S23 essentially told me the same thing on his own one day shortly after she left.
Life is certainly a bit different, and feels odd at times, but still good. But it's still life, and there are still challenges and disappointments. Like they said in the 70s...just got to Keep On Truckin'.
It's a tough situation for us all and a tough part of our journey through life. But it is still only a part of the journey--albeit a big part--and the future is coming whether we want it to or not.
I really appreciate the support I've received here, and I wish everyone here nothing but peace and strength as we all continue moving through these changes.
