I just wanted to clarify - I wasn't suggesting the whole 'single friends' thing as meaning 'closing the door.' My H is about to finalise our D sadly. I have a number of single friends now - male and female. I tell anyone up front that I accept all invites (well most) - but not dates. I already decided that I don't want to date for the whole of 2016. Then we'll see.
For me, I still haven't completely closed the door on our M. Though I have let go of the outcome and I accept we will D. And whilst I feel sad, my life is generally happy and I look forward to the future. I would only consider reconciling with H if all conditions are right, and I'm certainly not interested in a R with someone who wants to text,sext, flirt and go out with other women.
But I am further down the road than you. We also don't have kids together and were married for less time.
CWOL - detachment is more about not being so emotionally invested in a situation. It's about seeing what your WAS is doing, but not seeing it as 'being done to you.' It is about you having your life and they theirs for now. Therefore what they choose to do need not really impact on you. It is about observing as though you were a third party and having a rational insight into what is going on. There is some good content on detachment on the site, so do have a read. It takes time to feel more detached and it ebbs and flows too - sometimes I feel more so, and sometimes less so.
Hope this helps anyway xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Oh, and I also wouldn't put myself in the position of accepting one on one invites, which might lead to an uncomfortable situation with single male friends. But I'm happy to spend time with guys in a group setting...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for all your thoughts. I appreciate all views and don't take any offence. CWOL if you look back over my sitch (which is very long so don't worry!) I did everything wrong for years and certainly was a doormat at the beginning of the separation? Now I don't come running as quickly and sometimes not all. I'll certainly think over all the advice today. It is always a fine line to walk with W. I see signs in our recent dealings of someone who wants to keep me there wether as a best friend or as a backup plan who knows? I don't think she does. I deliberately avoid asking anyone about her,we have only been together as a family unit for S's birthday and I have only met up with her on her own. She always thought that S and I would be there when she wanted, even for possible holidays together. She has now realized that S and I won't join in her fantasy world of alternating between us and OM. She barely sees her own son for longer than a few minutes every now and then. She still thinks she is a great mother although her own son has said she never spent time with me before so why would I want to now? Sad but true. She has seen me twice in over two months. Her original idea was to be popping in to see us whenever OM was busy. I'll give her time to keep living her dream with him.If I do pass on the programmes she wants it'll be sometime in the future, when I get around to it, maybe after being reminded a couple of times. Thanks for your thoughts Sotto. I'm in a bit of limbo right now. I'm trying to lead a new life, people have been very kind when I reach out but it is taking time. W still has a strong pull on my emotions, appears in dreams. I'd like to get the stage where I could honestly try to establish a new R but not yet. I have friends through work, some are single and platonic but the majority at my age have their families and are busy. Need to keep trying GAL. It is a long road and I'm fortunate to have a loving S, parents ( a long way away) and some colleagues who care about me. The Mindfulness has helped although I've only scratched the surface. Thanks to everyone who posts, it really means a lot to know that people want to help. I only wish I could give better advice but I'm still trying to find the path through the woods.
Different topic :-)... I took a course on mindfulness as part of my MBA... it really is an eye opener. It lets me see things in different ways. Good luck with that!
Seems like you have gotten a lot of advice on giving the show to your W. Thought I would weigh in because I am also walking the line of trying to be civil buy not friends. IMHO, I think that you are mind reading what she would think and feel by watching that show, which is why you want to give it to her. She may just want to watch the show and asked for it because you are "friends" now. Based on everything I am reading on people's threads, I don't think you want to be her friend? I know that I don't want to be my H's friend - either H/W or civil coparents. Because this is so difficult for me, I may actually call a DB coach for the first time to get advice to see if I understand clearly. But, I think you want to aim for "polite neighbor". Anyway, just my two cents. I am still learning to DB myself, so I would love to here what happens when you do/do not give it to her. Good luck
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
CWOL - detachment is more about not being so emotionally invested in a situation. It's about seeing what your WAS is doing, but not seeing it as 'being done to you.' It is about you having your life and they theirs for now. Therefore what they choose to do need not really impact on you. It is about observing as though you were a third party and having a rational insight into what is going on. There is some good content on detachment on the site, so do have a read. It takes time to feel more detached and it ebbs and flows too - sometimes I feel more so, and sometimes less so.
Yes, I have read up on Detachment, in the DR book and also on this site. It makes sense on paper, but when I'm executing it in real life, it feels paradoxical. If you see their behavior and choose not to allow them to impact your life, aren't you effectively giving up on a relationship with them? Basically you are treating them like strangers. You basically have to give up any hopes for recovery in the future, right?
Or maybe I don't have a deep enough understanding of Detachment.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Detachment is more about the here and now I think. And I also think being detached could give you a better chance of R in the longer term, so I certainly don't see it as giving up all hope of possible R. If we think of MLC for example, the actions of the average MLCer can be incredibly upsetting and if you remained closely emotionally 'attached' to the MLCer, you would be devastated time and time again - to the extent that you would probably give up on the R out of self preservation. If we let go of that investment in someone for now and release them and ourselves to live our lives - who knows how things may turn out in the longer term? GAL helps us do this as we come to feel we have many things in our life outside of our R with the WAS.
Hope this helps...and Scrant sorry for the debate on your thread....feel free to boot us off if it's not of interest to you.... xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I didn't reply to the pen drive texts so this morning I wake up to three texts. First one saying hello, aren't you talking to me? Second advising me to wash S's coat and the third inviting me for lunch with her and S! I haven't replied, later on in the morning I'll just send back no thanks. As it happens I couldn't anyway but I feel this is the effect of dinner last Friday. W wants to feel that after me going very quiet that she has me back in the triangle. A close friend thinks she is delusional and feels guilty (sending S food etc). I'm sure OM wants nothing to do with a 15 year old teenager( especially after his own daughter has grown up and doesn't forgive him for the affair which ended his marriage the first time around! He's 57 after all) and is happy for W to do her family things at times when he is busy. I don't know when or if her R with him will change ( her psychologist said years ago that she was infatuated with him and couldn't see reality) but after 5 months trying to rebuild I'm not going back to the friend zone whenever it is convenient for her. Evenings and weekends is OM time. The first couple of months her sister and aunt told me she was finding it really hard. I don't know if that is still the case. I've stopped asking and taken everyone's advice to let her follow her own path. I'm just trying to stop her taking me with her when it suits her. When I went NC she noticed hence the Miss You messages. On with my own life for now.
